I’m new to actually writing on the boards, but I’ve been reading them for a while. The most interesting thing that I can contribute to the boards is that I’m dating a new guy, and it turns out that he is a rock star…
Well, he is a dj, but he travels all over the world doing raves and parties. He has CDs out, and when we go places, people come up to him and ask him for his autograph. The funny thing is is that I have known him for months (we rendevous at the same Starbucks) and he has always wanted to date me, he just felt that I was out of his league
We have a lot of fun, and he is a lot of what I am looking for in a significant other, but at the same time, the largest problem is that his money flow here where we live is low (he has lived in Chicago for the past couple years, and he missed it here because this is where he grew up so he came back to live and go on tours from here). If he moved back to Chicago or somewhere with nightlife, he would be fine. So it kind of bothers me since I am the one who has saved and really holds the cash right now. He has blown most of his money since he started working, and now he is getting used to not having money. I don’t mind it so much, but I also wonder what it would be like later down the road. I want my relationship to be equal, not me supporting him the whole time.
I don’t think you are being selfish. I think you are wise to examine this now, before you get too serious. Only you can decide if you will mind later, but it seems to me that you will and you should think carefully before you procede.
Hi Me_Love_Coffee!
As you can tell I’m new, too. This is my first message board and I’m testing the waters to see if I want to stay. I do believe I will, though.
Anyway.
I supported a guy for four years and I hated it. We argued a lot about him getting a job. Sometimes his mother would give him money and sometimes he had a job, but for no longer than a month. I was the only source of stable income. I really resented it. Eventually (after 4 years, apparently!) we broke up. But not until he spent 4 years lying to me and cheating on me. I learned that he was a very selfish person and did not have a problem hurting people to make himself happy. So I have a lot of anger and you can tell my opinion is tainted by personal trauma.
Based on my experiences, I would say you should not deal with supporting someone. And it may be a sign of other personality problems. If you want to be with this guy, that is fine - and you can probably have a lot of fun with him. But keep your finances separate. When it gets to him mooching too much, let him know you don’t appreciate it. If you live together, split the rent and bills down the middle, and avoid “loaning” him money - because you won’t get it back.
Hopefully you’re a smarter, more stable person than I was (am). But just be sure you don’t let him manipulate you. Be solid in what you know you want and when you know you’re right.
Different people will answer differently. Money in a relationship is a big hot button for me. I just can’t bear it being an issue. If someone shows concern about who makes how much money, who is supporting the other, who has been spending what, I immediatly label it “greediness”, and greediness is a major turn off for me. In my mind relationships should be above petty money issue. A person concerned with the income of his/her SO or potential SO plainly appears as shallow to me.
That said, I perfectly know that most people don’t share my views (or rather my feelings, since it’s essentially a gut reaction) , and think it’s perfectly sensible to feel at least somewhat concerned about the financial aspect of a relationship.
Besides, there are certainly cases where even from my point of view, it could be a problem, because it could point to other issues, like lack of maturity, unability to act in a responsible way, or even precisely greediness. If for instance I happened to be involved with someone who really loves what she’s doing, but happens to make precious little money, I couldn’t care less if I had to foot the bills and downsize my standart of living. On the other hand, if I were involved with someone who just is lazy and irresponsible and fully expect to take advantage of me, runs me into debts, etc…then it would definitely become an issue.
So, from my point of view, the problem isn’t really whether A is supporting B or not, but why B needs (or feel the need) to be supported by A.
Finally I would say that no one can advise you on the better course of action because we aren’t in your shoes. You could find yourself in a situation where I personnaly would feel comfortable, and resent it. Regardless of my opinion and feelings, if you’re already concerned with having to support him, I doubt that thinking “I shouldn’t feel that way, I’m just too selfish” will change a thing. Right or wrong, you’re going to resent the situation, and sooner or later it will mess up with your relationship.
So, just ask yourself, given his personnality, behavior, lifestyle and habbits, what kind of situation you’re likely to end up in with him and whether you’d be comfortable or not with it. IMO, wondering if the way you’re feeling is “ethical” or not won’t change a thing, and will lead you nowhere.
This is the same argument the guy I was with gave me. He would always make me feel bad because I didn’t want to support him.
I totally agree with clairobscur here. If you KNOW you’re man is not needing your support because he’s lazy AND you repect his work/ambition, then that’s great! It would be ridiculous to expect 2 people in a relationship to make EXACTLY the same amount of money.
However, in my case this was the fact. He was just lazy. It was hard for me to tell the difference (at the time). I was really nieve. Hopefully you won’t suffer from this.
Thank you all for your welcome and input. Today ended up being the last day I ever talk to him again. A friend of mine was worried about me getting taken advantage of by this guy because we didn’t really know if he has a job, so they ran a background check on him. Turns out he isn’t what I thought he was at all: a few aliases, no cars (he told me he had 6), no apartments (he told me he had 2), a couple social security numbers, etc. Really freaky how you don’t know anyone.
I’ve been lurking for about a month, and I absolutely loved the way that you can see how strange life can be for anyone at times.
I like most any coffee, from a flavored coffee to straight ethiopian coffees. I like to keep expanding my coffee horizons
Wow. Sounds like you dodged a HUGE bullet there, my dear. There’s having no common sense with money, but sounds like he’s running something you probably wouldn’t want to get mixed up in.
When I was 20, I dated a guy for a few months that I supported almost entirely–he was essentially homeless, going from couch to couch while he kept saying that he was “trying to get on his feet again.” By trying to deal drugs.
Welcome Me_Love_Coffee! Just remember, all experience is good for you, even when its bad for you. At least it is if you learn from it.
You’ll find a better rock star.!
Welcome aboard! I love your screen name, coffee is sort of an addiction er… hobby of mine. As to the OP no you don’t sound selfish at all, sounds to me like you’re thinking ahead.
Damn, so my ex DID finally escape that island I stranded him on, then?
But seriously, some people have no problem using other people’s money. Some people have no concept of saving, or of reasonable spending. “Well, the rent’s due soon, but I really want that iPod Mini…” And no matter how much energy you want to put into trying to change them, they’ll never really learn.
I don’t think you’re being selfish at all, Me_Love_Coffee. Better to look at it now, and not from the bottom of a deep hole of debt.
