I'm so screwed (and not literally)

As to why. As I said before, the idea that my SO has made love with someone else just makes me generally uncomfortable. I have a scarce few number of female friends and some of the ones that seem to love having sex so much scare me, because I worry that all the girls who are having sex are having GREAT sex, to which I could never compare.

I worry about MY looks, and MY size. I’m almost 6 feet tall and im only 130 pounds, I know I’d feel much more comfortable being naked in front of a woman my first time if I know she’s never seen any other guy naked. And as for my…uhh…size…maybe friends exaggerate, but I’m not very comfortable in that department either. :frowning:

I worry about not being able to live up to a past lover. If I am the girl’s first, there’s nothing to live up to. I would be setting the standard. And also as I said before, if I’m not remembered as her first, or her best (which is doubtful, assuming she’s a normal person who will have numerous sexual partners throughtout her life), I won’t be remembered for anything down the line. :frowning:

I guess that’s basically it. Well…of course these days there are tons of STD’s. What if the girl had unprotected sex with one or two past partners, using nothing more than a birth control pill, and wants to use the pill with me? How do I ask her if she was tested for STD’s after her past relationships ended without it sounding like I don’t trust her?

My first and second partners were both 18-year-old virgins. In one case we went on to have all kinds of fun for the next 25 years. In the other case, it never would have worked. The difference (in the sex part) was entirely in attitude, not in experience or skill. They were both equally awkward and clueless at first.

It’s supposed to be fun. At the very least, you should wait until you think you can have some fun.

I’m older than you. And you are WAY over thinking this. You still think you’re ordering meat in a restaurant…and its not that way. You’ll meet someone…and you’ll laugh…and she’ll laugh…and there will be a connection that will blow away these clouds of pre-conditions like smoke before a fan. All will be right with the world…and you’ll see that in her eyes and in her smile.

And afterwards you’ll share the cookies you bought at the supermarket & kept in the bookcase beside your bed. You’ll kiss crumbs off each other’s faces and it will lead to you starting all over again. You’ll end up missing 2 full days of classes…and will never ever regret it.

Moderator’s Notes:

Not in this forum, chum.

As the always-wise Jodi has noted, the established precept states something akin to, “if you’re gonna swear at people, or be verbally offensive in general, take it to the Pit.” You’ve received a lot of advice in this thread. Don’t confuse this with additional advice; it’s a prerequisite to continued membership.

Pardon my language, but who gives a fuck? Your ultimate goal is not to be a shining sex beacon throughout history. Just live your life. If you have sex with someone and ten years later they can’t remember your last name, so what? Your experiences shouldn’t be defined by whether or not other people remember them fondly, but whether or not you do.
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Always use a condom with anyone you’re not in a long-term committed relationship with. Most women will be pleased, not offended. If she wants to go without, just tell her you’d be more comfortable, both as extra birth control and overall safety. If do you want to have unprotected sex with someone, suggest that you both get tested, just to be safe. It’s not a trust issue, and very few women will try to make it one.

I don’t plan on having sex at all unless it’s in the confines of a long-term committed relationship.

But why would I need to be tested if I haven’t done anything. And it’s not that I wouldn’t trust her. I just don’t trust the guy(s) she’s already been with.

Soapbox Monkey, I agree with you, but for different reasons. I’m 22 and I haven’t gone much farther than kissing. I want my first time to be special. You think that if you aren’t a girl’s first lover, she’ll compare you to the previous guy(s). Is this a guy thing? I never pictured my boyfriend making out with his ex(es), and I knew he was not a virgin (at 28, very few men are). Actually, in the circles I ran with, most girls lost their virginity in college or later. While Drexel’s guy/girl ratio is against you, there are other schools in the area.

Fair enough, that’s your choice. I did it the same way and would recommend against it, as it turns out, but everyone is different. :slight_smile:
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Trust has nothing to do with it. You can’t trust a disease away. You’re just being careful.

The “let’s both getting tested” thing is just a way to avoid sounding like you think she’s a diseased skank. Hopefully, she’ll be sensible and it won’t be necessary to do it that way, either because she’s all about safe sex or will have already been tested. But since you were worried about asking, this is just a suggestion on how to avoid any implications of judgement or negativity.

Giraffe! Language please… :stuck_out_tongue:

Actually, there are some nights I truly do hope my partner at the time has forgotten by now.

There’s the time I drank an entire bottle of Goldschlager with my date, and so I was not only too drunk to get the hint of “I want to go take a shower”, but when I DID figure it out, well, you know. Pushing a rope uphill.

There’s the time I called my long-term SO by her best friend’s name, while we were trying to be discreet. Said best friend was asleep in the bed next to ours. Not after I made that goof.

There’s the time when, during… oh, you get the idea. It’s not all glamorous. Sometimes, it’s just sticky and uncomfortable.

SOAPBOX, I find my heart going out to you. You’re so . . . well, you’re so 18.

You are bringing your own insecurities and baggage to these hypothetical relationships, and you are placing these sorts of limits on who you’re willing to be with in order to protect yourself and avoid having to take risk. Will she find you attractive? Will she enjoy herself? Will she remember you? You are trying to engineer positive responses to these questions by insisting on being with someone who’s totally clueless. Well, it’s not going to work. Sex is emotionally risky, especially when you’re young. Your partner is going to see you naked in more ways than one, and you cannot engineer away the vulnerability that goes with that. You have to trust the one you’re with, and you have to trust yourself. If you’re not ready to do that – and it’s totally okay if you’re not – then maybe you’re not ready for sex yet. Again, this is totally okay. I imagine that when you actually meet someone you want to be with and who wants to be with you, you’ll find that these questions aren’t really all that important after all.

As far as STDs are concerned – if you get to the point in a relationship where you want to begin having unprotected sex, of course you both should get tested. And that includes you, regardless of your level of experience, because you should not expect her to do something you’re not willing to do, and you should not expect her to take you at your word regarding your sexual history (or lack thereof) when you’re not willing to take her at hers.

I lost my virginity to a woman who was only marginally more experienced than I was (she had had sex only one time before, and was drunk at the time). She was both my first partner and my first long-term girlfriend, which means, basically, we “learned about sex” with each other, over the course of a few months. We were both clumsy and didn’t really know what we were doing.

My second relationship was with a considerably more experienced woman, and the sex was way better. And I learned what I was doing, whereas before, it was just random animalistic groping; in hindsight I feel bad for my first girlfriend because I was really kind of a putz between the sheets. “Learning with each other,” in my opinion, is overrated.

If you find an experienced woman, and get into a serious emotional relationship, then confess: I’m very inexperienced. Can you show me the ropes? If she’s got a good heart, she will be overjoyed to hold your hand (and other bits) and lead you gently into the Promised Land. <sexist bullshit> Chicks love that shit. :wink:

See, because this:

…concerns me. Insecurity’s a bitch, innit? But think about it: Nobody is born with the knowledge of how to have great sex. It must be learned. What’s more, every partner will be different, sometimes slightly, sometimes vastly. The advantage of learning from someone who knows what she’s doing is that you start to recognize the sheer variety of options — not to mention the reality that any given partner will enjoy only some of these options. Some women like to be spanked; some hate it. Some women like you to hum during cunnilingus because it makes the clitoris vibrate; some will tap you on the head and ask you what the hell you’re doing. Some women like sex hard and fast; some like it slow and soft; some like both or either depending on their mood. Some women like big dicks; some like small dicks; some don’t care. Some women like a quiet, closed room with music; some like the window open, the summer breeze blowing, and the city noise floating in. Some women like toys; some women want you to use only your hands and mouth and nothing else. Some women want to talk; some women want you to talk.

And you can’t know any of this until you’ve been with women who know what they want because they’ve been there. Lovemaking is a skill, and it is learned. In my opinion, men who prefer inexperienced partners usually (not always) feel inadequate about their own skills and don’t want the women to know what they’re missing. For my part, I much prefer a woman who knows what she likes and can tell me what she wants over a woman who doesn’t know what she likes and can’t help you. (Of course, that’s moot now, because I married one of the former. :D)

Look at it this way. Let’s say that all of us were required to perform brain surgery regularly. Would you feel insecure because you didn’t know what you were doing the first time, or would you feel better having someone standing next to you explaining the procedure?

See, there’s a bullshit masculine thing in the U.S. (and probably other countries, though I don’t know first-hand) that guys are supposed to be great in the sack from day one, and that women are supposed to display sweet, sensual gratitude for the male’s expertise. And it’s bullshit, pure and simple. It’s fucked up a lot of men, and it sounds like it’s got you fucked up, too. Get over it, please, for your own sake and for the sake of your future partners.

Repeat ten times, or for as long as it takes you to internalize it: Inexperience is not inadequacy.

Jodi, your last post was really, really helpful. :slight_smile:

I agree. :smiley:

Oh, go on.
No, really. Go on. :smiley:

[sub]See? I have friends! I pay them myself! The $20’s in the mail[/sub]

Umm, I don’t mean to be nit, Jodi, but I think you’ve misplaced your apostrophe. Surely you meant twenties are, not twenty is. I may be cheap, but I ain’t that cheap.

I thought the 20 was for me. :frowning:

wow! lots of good stuff said in this thread. :slight_smile:

soapbox monkey, what happens if the next guy the girl you lose your virginity with is with wants a virgin too? well, then, she’s screwed, and literally. maybe rather than looking at this from your standpoint of wanting to lose your virginity, you should look at it from the standpoint of being a complete gentleman to the women you date and thinking aobut how what you do physically with them will affect them in the future. and maybe you should treat them the way you wish the guys before you had.

that being said, personally, i have always wondered what the deal was with the damaged goods mentality. being a virgin or not being a virgin isn’t really that big of a deal. and more than being jealous about my so’s past sexual experiences, i am more jealous about his emotional connection with his past loves.

oh yeah. one last thing - you will never get over the insecurity of being naked in front of someone for the first time. at least i haven’t.

agreed. i’m happy so long as the person wants to be in a relationship with me because they like/love me rather than i have a penis, i’m pretty happy with that. soapbox, i’ve not had a proper gf in my life, and tbh it doesnt worry me that much anymore. it’ll happen someday, and the sex will be just a small part of the whole (no, i’m not saying i have a small libido…)

The $20 is for you, MONKEY, though I wouldn’t wait by the mailbox for it. UNCLEBEER gets more, because he’s a moderator and because he’s known me longer and therefore sensibly has raised his rates. :wink:

I’m raising my rates, too… but only to discourage people.
grumble grumble grumble