I'm Starting to Worry About My Life at My Age--and It's All My Parents' Fault!

Well, let me explain. First off, it’s not like they’re giving me any of that pressure you often think of–no “when are you going to find a nice girl” type stuff. If anything, I’m getting the opposite. It’s more along the lines of “don’t even think about getting married until you’re at least 25.” However, I’m still starting to worry about where I am in my life. I think a bit of background is in order.

First, my family isn’t all that big. Nor is my extended family. My father has one brother, my mother one sister, and I have one first cousin (from my uncle’s family.) I now have a first cousin once-removed as well–cute kid (still an infant or toddler, not quite sure of her age), though I’ve never seen her in person. For that matter, I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve seen my cousin and I haven’t seen my uncle in about a decade for reasons I’m not going to go into here. There is a huge group of people from my paternal grandmother’s family (I’ve been to a couple of those reunions, but I never really knew anyone or felt like I fit in), but I’ve never really thought of them as family. I do have a–well, I believe they are my mother’s aunt and uncle, so whatever that makes them to me (great aunt and uncle?)–not so far away in Altoona, but the only time I’ve seen them that I can actually remember was four years ago. My maternal grandfather’s past family is truncated fairly quickly, at least anyone we know about. I probably have some other distant relations in Pennsylvania as well, as well as in South Carolina and Georgia, but I’ve never really thought about it. Anyway, my point is, my family as I think of it is small.

Now, the reason why I don’t think much of my more extended family and rarely see my closer extended family is because my little branch of the family (parents, me, and my brother) is the only part of the family west of the Mississippi that I know of. Not much of a story there, I guess–they all found work in that part of the country and Dad took a job in Albuquerque. Simple as that. If he hadn’t, I guess I would’ve been raised in the DC area–northern Virginia, to be more accurate, depending on whether or not they ever looked to move out of that apartment.

Anyway, my parents married young in the early 70s. Dad was 23 and just had finished his Masters, Mom was 20 and still an undergrad. I believe they met on a blind or semi-blind date. For various reasons, they didn’t have any kids for another decade (I’m the first child.) Mom had to finish school and then pay off her debt to Uncle Sam. Dad went back to school to get his Ph. D. in an unrelated field. So they really weren’t in a good position to have kids until the very late 70s or early 80s anyway.

So there it is. I’m 22 years old, and I know I’m too young to really be worrying about those sorts of things, but still, I can’t help it. Plus, I’m expecting to go to grad school this fall, which will be another major change. For whatever reason, I keep comparing where I am to where my parents were. I think the perceived small family is a factor as well–makes for a deeper feeling of needing to pass along the old genes and the like, even though I never conciously think about it. I also think there’s also some first child (not to mention first son) feelings going on as well. And, not helping matters, spring is almost here, and we all know the old cliche for that one.

I just can’t shake this feeling that I should be settled down in a year or two, with some kids in a few years once I could support them properly. And the thing is, I’d be perfectly happy to do so if I found the right woman. Of course, I’m not quite in the right possible line of work for that kind of thing. I want to do the whole “put in your 8 hours, then go home to the family” kind of thing (perferably with good pay and a nice bennies package, or at least good insurance), not the “in lab all the time doing research” type thing or the “trying to make it in the academic world” thing. Problem is, that makes jobs kind of hard to find, even if ACS has a tech division. Not to mention the pay isn’t as good and the job can be kinda repetitive. And, of course, there’s the whole problem of finding the right woman in the first place. That isn’t helping either.

I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. It’s not really the kind of thing I talk about with my parents. (My parents, in a conversation once: Dad: “I may have been only 23, but I already had my Masters.” Mom: “I was a Southern girl, so it was expected.” Something along those lines, I believe.) It’s frustrating, and somewhat stupid, but still, it’s there; no matter how much I try to not worry about it, at times it sneaks back in. (Last time it hit me was when I was watching The Incredibles in a theatre; I only wish I was kidding. Not quite what I needed while trying to enjoy the movie. Stupid bloody psyche.)

So it’s your parents’ fault that you’re the sort of person who worries he’ll die alone at the ripe old age of 22? That’s pretty much the gist of it, right? You’re scared that you won’t be able to find someone, and if you ever do find someone it will be too late for you to have the sort of life you want.

I’m not really seeing how your fears are your parents’ fault. Sure, they got married pretty young, but so what? They’re not pushing you to do what they did. They’re not doing the hideously irritation “tick-tock, tick-tock” horseshit about your biological clock. Them doing what worked for them is not an indictment of you not doing the same.

You really need to chill out, 'cause if life is a race then the finish line is a coffin.

Why do you say that? You’re now legally an adult, at the age when you’re having to make major decisions concerning your career direction, and at the age when marrying and starting a family IS a viable option. The decisions you make now regarding your career and family will affect you for the rest of your life. It’s perfectly reasonable to be concerned about them!

All you can do is ask yourself what you REALLY want out of your life, do your best to achieve that, and remind yourself that since there’s no guarantee that any decision you make will be the “right” one, there’s no sense in beating yourself up if things turn out differently than you’d planned.

What you’re experiencing now is just the downside of adulthood.

Can’t relate to the marriage thing. I married at 25 and quite honestly, I could have waited (the marriage is great, just not terribly interested in the paperwork). I never felt in a rush to couple, despite my parents marrying very young.

I can relate to having a nagging internal dialogue that wonders why I have accomplished none of the things my parents had at my age. I don’t think I’ll ever own a house, or a new car (or a second old car). I’ve never had a job that was 9 - 5 or worked for an employer for more than 3 years. The job market has changed radically since the 70s. The game isn’t the same.

I can only conclude that we’re not meant to use other people’s accomplishments as a yardstick for our own. We’re not all headed the same place, and we all have our own timeline.

The title was meant to be a joke. You know, a twist on the “hideously irritation ‘tick-tock, tick-tock’ horseshit.” Just because I intellectually know all that doesn’t mean that the other parts of my mind don’t pop it up occasionally. And today, for some reason, it popped up again and I, for some reason against my normal judgment, decided to put it all on the net.

I’d just like to pipe in and say that I’m 22 also and I’m having the exact same debate with myself. Only difference is that I think I’ve found the right girl to settle down with and she doesn’t want to go down that road for another 5-7 years.

Be sure to keep us posted on what you end up doing, I know that I for one will be interested.

My father was 37 when I was born. His father was 61 when Dad was born! You lucky guys don’t have to worry about scheduling your life if you choose not to.

Aren’t there things you want to do before you settle down? Bum around Europe a little? Have an adventure? Find the absolute perfect place to live? Do some things you are a little afraid of doing? This would be a good time in your life to do that – while you have no obligations to anyone other than yourself.

Times are changing with careers now anyway. You may not stay in the same profession forever. Be open to change.

Who can relieve you from your self-imposed sense of obligation?