In a pinch (Snort!!) what have you used instead of T.P.?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Well?

Only a moment ago, here at my home, I was typing at the computer and had a sudden urge to number two. I went to the bathroom and planted my fanny on the porcelain throne. Trying to kill some time, I aimlessly started looking around the room. I soon found myself staring blankly at the empty roll of toilet paper on the spool in front of me. Uh oh.

In my seated position, I began a hurried search in my immediate vicinity for a spare roll of T.P… Nada.

Tiny beads of sweat begin to form on my forehead now, and not because I ate a ‘Snickers’ for breakfast this morning, if ya know what I mean.

Crud. I’m completely out.

The focus of my attention immediately turned to a resonable alternative to my ‘Tender Touch Charmin’. Hmmm. Nothing in my bathroom. I wonder about the living room. Nope. How about the kitchen? Hmmm. Oh! Hey! Wait a minute. I keep my phone books in the kitchen. That has the same consistency as T.P… Why not?

So, I scamper out and make a run accross the living room towards the kitchen to retrieve the Minneapolis White Pages. Paydirt!!! Mission safely accomplished.
For those who really want to know- It was the Metrodome seating schematic page followed by the Orpheum Theatre seating schematic.

So. How about you!?!

2

My grandmother’s arm.

–Tim

3

I once went through a period in college where everybody in my apartment refused to buy anything, using the argument that “Hey, I’m always buying TP, soap, beer, etc.; I’m not gonna do it anymore!” So we went about two weeks without any toilet paper in the apartment at all. We didn’t dare buy any and hide it since we would search the whole apartment (and each other’s rooms) looking to see if anyone had broken down and bought some. I know, I know, it’s childish, but the rent was something like 90 bucks a month once we split it up.

Anyway, during the course of that pissing contest I used: paper towels, napkins, stolen TP from a building on campus, the phone book, notebook paper (once you crinkle it up, flatten it out, and crinkle it back up again about fifty times it actually gets pretty soft), and a towel (I used it, stuck it in a trash bag, and threw it in the dumpster outside). Eventually one of my roommates gave up and bought some, and the rest of us declared victory. It’s a sad comment on my mental health, I guess, but it was a long time ago.

4

Probably the worst thing I’ve ever used was part of a paper grocery bag. You know, the kind made of brown kraft paper.

I’ll probably get ass cancer from it or something like that…

5

I was once in the same situation as headshok; I had a hidden stash, but my roomate resorted to using coffee filters.

6

Stranded, stranded on the toilet bowl
What do you do when you’re stranded and you haven’t got a roll?
To prove you’re a man, you must wipe it with your haaaand!

7

You asked for it.

When I was a student at Virginia Tech, I had this fairly cool arrangement where six guys shared two three-bedroom apartments, one above the other. That way, we could party constantly while still having a quiet place for the poor saps who actually had to study.

It also made for quite a lot of space and a large circle of friends, so we threw some fairly serious bashes practically every weekend. This particular weekend, we started a day early.

So we threw a fairly large party Thursday night, a pretty good one. A few things got broken, and some girl lost her new white VT sweatshirt in my bathroom–mine now, I thought.

Someone had thrown up all over the upstairs bathroom and nobody was in any mood to clean it up the next day. At first, I thought that was the reason why everyone was using my bathroom on Friday afternoon to take a shit. Later, I discovered the real reason: I had the last roll of toilet paper in the two apartments.

We’d been through this sort of Mexican Standoff before. The first poor bastard to buy a roll would get hit up for TP for all four bathrooms. This time, I wasn’t giving in, dammit.

So I did the sensible thing. I wandered off to my bathroom, took a massive, and luxuriously caressed my buttocks with every last inch of toilet paper, save about a foot so that it appeared as if there was some left. That oughta teach 'em, I thought. Then I took off for my girlfriend’s place.

Sunday night, I returned, and of course I had to take a crap. I asked, “so who lost the TP war?”

The five hung-over Neanderthals sitting on my couch looked over at me and smiled.

“You did.”

I ran into the kitchen. No more paper towels, no napkins. I checked the recycling. No newspaper. Nothing left. Those five crap factories had used every conceivable excuse for toilet paper they could find. I ran into the bathroom and discovered that they had one recourse left.

Someone had started by turning the white sweatshirt inside out and using one of the arms. Then, someone else used the other arm. Then the front, then the back. There was a pair of Channel Locks on the floor where someone had carefully pulled the shirt back outside in. The front and back of that side were also used.

BUT! Nobody had yet pulled out the sleeves. Triumphantly, I teased out one unsoiled (on the outside) sleeve, did my business, and wiped away. Then, just to end the matter, I used the other sleeve, too.

I came back out into the living room. Very carefully, I explained that there was no clean space left on the sweatshirt, and that if we all didn’t cough up some damned money for some toilet paper, I was going to start using bedsheets–their bedsheets. Still on the fucking bed. Eventually, we reached a compromise.

We broke into the dorms and stole their toilet paper.

8

Thankfully I’ve never been caught short of TP in the home; I always keep at least three spare rolls in the bathroom, and another dozen in the utility closet (I kid you not). But I’ve had to go in the woods before without having any tp or kleenex on hand, and in that case I used lots and lots of leaves (checking first to make sure they weren’t of the poison ivy variety! Oooohh can you imagine, UGH!)

9

In one of my more resourceful moments, i was on the toilet and well into my business befor i realized there was no TP left on the roll. With nothing in sight in the bathroom, i got the idea to tear the roll itself up into small sheets. It worked pretty well, except for that bad case of chapped ass i got from it.

10

I was going to say baby wipes, but that just sounds boring compared to y’all. I’m not sure, but I’m thinking this is directly related to being female and using so much more of the stuff, but I love toilet paper and keep a goodly supply on hand at all times. At least 24 spare rolls, usually more.

Then again, MisterTot carries his own toilet paper to work with him, as theirs doesn’t meet his exacting standards, so maybe tp love isn’t just a girl thing after all.

11

I once sprayed my ass squeaky-clean with a Super-Soaker. Man, that felt great, even if it were awkward as hell (I had to lean one end against the wall, and then bend over so I could aim).

Many instances of TP-shortage has led me to ALWAYS check 'fore I take a crap.

12

I’m almost afraid to ask…

Alive or dead?

13

I was traveling in Kenya a few years ago. On my second day, I forgot the first rule of traveling in Kenya–take your own TP to the choo. Oops. And of course I had Dehli Belly by then, too. Luckily, I had money in my skirt pocket, so I sacrificied a shillingi. Not bad value for 50 cents.

14

Naked and asleep.

–Tim

15

Once after running out, my roommate comandeered a box of Kleenex (from where I have no idea). After a couple days I bought more tp, so we put the Kleenex to work…get this…blowing our noses with it!

16

When I’m out, I usually take the empty roll and scrape the mess off with it.

And no, I don’t put the roll back. :stuck_out_tongue:

17

We really don’t want to know any more, now.

18

**Sofa King ** confessed:
“Someone had started by turning the white sweatshirt inside out and using one of the arms. Then, someone else used the other arm. Then the front, then the back. There was a pair of Channel Locks on the floor where someone had carefully pulled the shirt back outside in. The front and back of that side were also used.”

That, my friend, is so totally disgusting. Is this how your mothers raised you? Good gawd almighty.

…so who did the laundry?

19

“For those who really want to know- It was the Metrodome seating schematic page followed by the Orpheum Theatre seating schematic.”

Jeez, what a disappointment. With a name like “CnoteChris” I thought for sure you were gonna tell us you ended up having to use the $100 bill in your wallet!!

20

While on vacation, as we were driving away from a convience store where we had stopped for a bathroom break, my stepson announced that there had been no tp in the mens room so he had used the roll towel.I couldn’t decide which was more disturbing, the fact that he had done it or that he felt the need to announce that he had. I try to avoid roll towels anymore.