In this situation would you have confessed your feelings or no?

In My Humble Opinion
1

There is a guy I know who identifies as straight (or rather, leaves his sexuality ambiguous) but it is well known, and assumed by most, that he is at least bisexual. I’ve more or less had some attraction toward him for a year, but just recently it turned into actual feelings.

He is a co-worker of mine. We don’t see one another often because we work in different departments, but when we see one another in passing we usually acknowledge one another and make intense eye contact. We have had lengthy conversations, but generally we revolve in different circles.

Recently, we got to talking more just by circumstance, during which one of the conversations was that I have trouble finding boyfriends because I have very high standards, and most of the other gay men in my town are not attractive to me and many of them are ridiculously promiscuous and wouldn’t know a committed relationship, and I think I can do better (I know, I sound like a conceited ass but you should move to my town and see what the options are). He agreed with my assertion and told me he thought I was attractive.

Now, the problem. He is involved with a woman right now, but they are nothing serious and she knows how I feel about him and actually has encouraged me to pursue him. He sends so many mixed signals that last night, after a couple of drinks, I decided that it was in my best interest to tell him directly that I have feelings for him, but would understand if they weren’t reciprocated. Since I didn’t have the courage to do it in person, I sent a message online. He hasn’t read it yet.

I just can’t deal with not knowing, and not being able to move on until I know. At this point, being rejected would almost be better than wondering if I have a chance and being unable to read all the signs. I have heard him discussing men he is attracted to. I have seen him being physically affectionate with other men. I would be very surprised if he is not into other men, but he doesn’t seem open about his sexuality and as if he likes to leave it ambiguous. So it makes me wonder if I’ve been wasting my time.

2

I don’t think you were wrong to express your feelings, the apples fell, but my gut tells me that you’ve been wasting your time. Sorry, not trying to rain on your parade, but you did ask. I think that, if he was attracted to you that way (beyond chatting and intense gazes), he would have said or done something more clearly by now. I am also bothered by his ambiguity. In my experience, ambiguity in a major part of your life, like your sexuality, can spill over into ambiguity with regard to commitment in a relationship. If he likes both men and women, can he make a commitment to be with just one person, meaning just one sex? He may very well be able to – I’m sure many bisexual people have done it – but he also may not. If the relationship grows, please keep your eyes open.

By the way: Your standards are NOT too high. You do not sound like a conceited ass. You sound to me like a man who knows his own worth and what he wants (and doesn’t want) in his life. Apply those standard to this man, as you would to any other. From the little bit that you’ve shared, I’m not sure he meets them.

I’m a woman, but I have learned from hard, painful experience to follow an important rule in new relationships: I will not waste my time and energy and feelings on a man I’m attracted to if he does not want me, respect me, and seek me out.

Good luck and keep us posted.

3

I received a reply. He is not interested in being more than friends, and he is not, at this point, interested in men at all.

As I said he identifies as straight, so for all intents and purposes that’s what he is, I guess.

4

I’m a big believer in telling people if I like them, ASAP. I am not (sexually or romantically) interested in many people, so I find it all too easy to pine over the rare person I feel a connection with. Best to be direct, and know for sure, rather than wasting time.

Now you know for sure he doesn’t reciprocate, so it’s good you put yourself out there. I’m sure it’s a disappointment, but there are certainly men out there you are compatible with - I hope you find one soon.

5

I vote it’s a good thing you told him! :slight_smile: Now you don’t have to go around wondering and hoping forever, and you can move on. It’s over, he’s not into you. It sucks. Keep your standards high.

I’m a gay male too, for what it’s worth. Good luck to you!