In which Eve dances on the grave of her enemy . . .

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Someone just sent me the new Delaney Report Quarterly Awards, in which Movieline is named as “Worst Publication—For a poor ad-page performance that is resulting in a 25.9% plunge in pages. For a weak circulation picture . . . For editorial that is still unarresting. Blame falls on publisher Audrey Arnold and editor-in-chief Heidi Parker.”

Hee! You may recall, I wrote for Movieline from 1992–2000, under founder and editor-in-chief Ed Margulies. I should’ve left when Ed died and was replaced by several not-very-well-trained chimps, but I finally did quit two years ago when my stuff was being rewritten w/o my input. Nice to see the ship continues to sink!

2

Woo-freakin’-hoo! I love when people get their just desserts. Since you’re the brain around here when it comes to movies, and speaking of editorials and such, let me ask you this…

Why to the promoters and the guys who put the trailers together misjudge the gist of the movie ALMOST ALL THE TIME???!!! For instance, “War of the Roses” was billed as a comedy. I think NOT! They used words like “hilarious” and “amusing” to describe what I considered to be a black comedy at best. It seems like no one thinks anyone will go to a movie unless it’s supposed to be funny. Why would a writer/director allow this to happen? And how the heck is anyone supposed to know if they want to go see the movie?

3

Woo-freakin’-hoo! I love when people get their just desserts. Since you’re the brain around here when it comes to movies, and speaking of editorials and such, let me ask you this…

Why do the promoters and the guys who put the trailers together misjudge the gist of the movie ALMOST ALL THE TIME???!!! For instance, “War of the Roses” was billed as a comedy. I think NOT! They used words like “hilarious” and “amusing” to describe what I considered to be a black comedy at best. It seems like no one thinks anyone will go to a movie unless it’s supposed to be funny. Why would a writer/director allow this to happen? And how the heck is anyone supposed to know if they want to go see the movie?

4

Hee! I’ll join in on your schadenfreude, Eve!

:::dances though thread:::

5

Damn…and here I thought you were going to tell me Cindy Adams got hit by a bus.

6

That one’s easy: a huge committee of spineless yes-men who are afraid to have an actual idea and stand firm on it, fearing they’ll lose their jobs (and you know, they probably would, at that).

When I started at Movieline, it was a great, snarky mag, thanks to Ed Margulies. He loved movies, but made sure the magazine made fun of bad performers and bad movies, which no one else was doing. Almost a movie version of Spy. Then Ed left due to illness in the late '90s, and it all went to hell. They started censoring me (killing two pieces I did on Demi Moore and Oliver Stone for being “too mean”), and soon Movieline was just like Premiere or Entertainment Weekly—dull. Poor Ed must be spinning in his grave—they should just pull the plug on the magazine now.

7

It really was kick-ass when I last read it, which would have been late nineties…

Hey, don’t wear yourself out with that dancing, Eve. Never know when more of your enemies will pass. :wink:

8

stop by their offices. Gloat. Be a little “catty”.

All in good fun, of course. :wink: :smiley:

And dress to the 9s, if you do.

9

Good news, Eve!

I was wondering about their recent change to a more Hollywood-centered magazine. Less about movies, more about celebrity? Cheesy. If I wanted to read People, I’d buy it.

10

That’s what they get for not hiring me as a publisher.

Silly them.

11

Well, of course, that’s why I used to be a subscriber. Reading the Hollywood Kids and Joe Queenan, and our beloved Eve naturellement, showed a side of showbiz you just don’t get in he more sycophantic publications.

12

And I thought this was going to be about the passing of Pwincess Pwecious…

Still, sweet news!

13

Awesome news, Eve! I remember your threads about how pissed off you were with the whole thing, just before you quit. The general consensus was that it was most certainly Movieline’ loss, and damn, was that ever right!

I think the best part is that not only does the magazine get slammed, but the half-trained monkey editors get called out by name. That oughta humble them just a bit…

14

What a shame, though (she says in the midst of her gloating) that there is no decent movie mag these days—and there’s not likely to be one, what with the terrible economy and magazine after magazine going under . . . I guess the future is in on-line magazines.

15

Nah, because you can’t fold a computer in half as you read it on the can, and you can’t tear up a LCD monitor if you run out of TP.

16

Eve addressed this briefly; I’ll expand.

Basically, it’s about sticking with a known quantity. As I’ve mentioned in previous threads, movie suits go crazy trying to reduce something as ephemeral as movie storytelling to a business-friendly formula. All movies are reduced to their lowest common denominator in order to make them marketable to the widest possible demographic. War of the Roses is a dark comedy with sexual overtones and a bleak ending. In the average multiplex in Dubuque, that gets you a handful of good reviews and a whole lot of empty seats. But call it a comedy, and people will say, “Uh. Comedy. Laugh. Buy ticket.” Nothing succeeds like past success; why do you think you hear “Walking on Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves in so many goddamn advertisements? Because it’s worked before, that’s why.

This past spring, Changing Lanes was marketed as a testosterone-charged action thriller, which, if you’ve seen it, is decidedly not the case. However, it’s the simplistic genre definition the movie suits have decided best fits the movie and is most likely to result in box-office gold. It doesn’t matter at all whether it’s an appropriate category. Hollywood marketers have no compunctions whatsoever about lying to you if it makes you want to buy a ticket. If deception is what it takes to fill the seats, well, that’s what they do. Remember David Manning?

The current campaign for Punch-Drunk Love, though, breaks with this tradition. It stars Adam Sandler, but it isn’t really an Adam Sandler movie. Any halfwit editor could make a trailer that resembles Happy Gilmore in order to draw the drunken fratboy audience; note they haven’t done it. Also, the genre it apparently fits best is “romantic comedy,” but its commercials look nothing like Two to Tango or Sweet Home Alabama or any of the other completely generic formula romcoms that set the standard for this sort of ad campaign. The key phrase from the ad, in fact, is shockingly appropriate – a quote from the LA Times review: “As beautiful as it is strange,” or something like that.

Anyway, that’s why the marketing frequently gets the movie wrong: Because they’re not trying to sell the actual movie, and, in fact, they may do everything they can not to sell the actual movie. (How many people went to Eyes Wide Shut expecting a typical erotic thriller, and were disappointed as a result?) They’re trying to sell a familiar emotional experience, whether or not it has anything to do with the actual film.

Eve, I think you should send the folks at Movieline a resume. In the “objective” section at top, you should say, “I want to be offered a job so I can spit in your eye as I refuse it and walk out laughing.”

17

It’s a Paul Thomas Anderson movie, which is, IMO, all you need to say to sell me a ticket. The man is a frickin’ genius.

18

You’ve never heard of printers? :smiley:

19

I’ll second that Hee motion, Eve. It does seem sad though, that there’s no current outlet for your talent in the columnar sense. What about Salon? Or, The Oxford American. The OA is kinda a Southern Lit publication, but well respected, and I know the editor is open to cutting edge writers like yourself. All your fine books take time, but it’s a shame that the movie industry has lost your much-needed wit and commentary on a monthly basis.

Well, in linking to the OA site, I see they’ve been under magazine duress, and are making changes. Still, some little bird is tweeting in my ear to send you to them. I’ve done work for them, and would be glad to put in a good word—like ya need it:rolleyes: Anyhoo, it’s a thought, ain’t it?

20

Karma, Eve my darling. As I see it, you have two roads you could take. There’s the high road, where you smugly admit that they got what’s coming. This road is morally superiour, but far less satisfying then heading down to the convience store, picking up the cheapest, ugliest, cheesest condolence card you can find, taping the clipping into the card and signing it. This would be the route I would be most apt to take. But then again, I burn bridges like they’re kindling, so maybe my advise isn’t the wisest.