You also have a girlfriend who was accused of being abusive?
Is she black?
Whoa dude - are you under my bed or something? 
No, it turned out that she was actually my long-lost sister, separated at birth when space aliens from Zarkon invaded our peaceful mountain village looking for the rare element tweenium oxide and slaves for their mines on the planet Bleen.
I was kidnapped and sent to the mines, where I spent years toiling under the triple suns of that system. It gave me thighs like watermelons - to this day, I can’t find pants that fit me, and my uniform has to be double-knit or it wears out in a month. Later I escaped, and found refuge with a band of mutated mountain goats, where I finally hit puberty (although it messed up my sexual preferences like you wouldn’t believe) and learned the deadly arts of combat from a passing hermit.
Meanwhile, she was taken as a body slave to the palace of Captain Evil’s somewhat-less-evil-but-still-pretty-unpleasant daughter Princess Calgon, where she secretly aided the rebel insurrection by passing along information she gleaned while cleaning out the wastebaskets in the Council Room. She would incorporate this information into the choreography of the ritual mating dance of the Giant Hairless Sloth, which they held every second Thursday as part of their pagan religion. The simple peasants of the area, who were allowed to view the dance as part of their subjugation, could derive valuable insights into the battle plan of Captain Evil from the metric structure of the dance.
Finally, when suspicion began to center around her, she managed to escape disguised as an itinerant tampon salesman, and made her way to the home planet. After a tearful reunion with her father, Captain Evil recaptured her, and used her to force him to turn his peaceful inventions into mind-warping Porno Projectors and distract the rebel liberators with naughty thoughts involving Jell-O, underage ruminants in lacy undergarments, and the Cirque du Soleil.
I then fought my way across the galaxy with my faithful broadsword Shep, broke in at the last minute, and defeated Captain Evil in so spectacular a way as to practically guarantee a sequel, my picture on every lunch box in America, and action figures given away free with Happy Meals.
Remind me someday to tell you of my adventures among the mutated Ketchup Trees of Revlon IV.
Regards,
Shodan
D’oh. :smack: No…no abusive girlfriend. That should say “to talk about my abusive *boyfriend”
I’m now going to wander off and confusedly mumble about the keyboard gremlins. And how Shodan ruined the onset of a perfectly grumpy mood by causing hysterical laughter.
Sooo…Shodan…
Just who separated your long lost sister at birth, and why?
And with what? The standard meat cleaver? Or the cliched chainsaw?
I trust the evil fiend separated her at the joints…
(As an aside, I hope you never looked at your sister’s supple heaving bosom, once you discovered her split personality. :D)
Wow. So you were fighting with your boyfriend and he hit you?. That is so sick.
After I get the time to read the rest of this thread I’ll come over and beat him up for you.
Dang. I was kinda hoping that you and your (nonabusive) boyfriend and (nonexistent) girlfriend were a crime-fightin’ martial arts team, you know? Kicking criminals’ butts by day, engaging in lusty three-ways by night. Gotta admit, has the makings of a great comic book or HBO series.
It was a tragic accident at the cloning vats.
Captain Evil was attempting to fix the Olympic synchronized swimming event of 2204 with evil genetic experiments. His idea was to cross DNA gleaned from the June Taylor dancers with dolphin genes. He then would raise the clones in a controlled environment where Esther Williams films are on continuous loop, order up a dozen cases of water-proof Max Factor make-up, and figure he had the gold medal sewn up.
His earlier plan to bribe the French judge fell thru when the Russians sued him for copyright violations.
Anyway, the Green Party was staging an anti-genetic engineering protest at the clone factory where we were born. Then Captain Evil showed the protestors brochures which presented his evil scheme as an attempt to create a dolphin that fed only on tuna nets. This caused the protestors’ brains to freeze up and explode, a flying Birkenstock smashed the glass of our vat, and one of the villagers scooped us up and took us back to her home, where she raised us as her own.
Incidentally, don’t worry about any interest of mine in the heaving bosoms. Under the Auto-Erotic Liberation Act of 2021, sex with a clone counts as masturbation, not as incest. We would actually qualify for subsidies, if it weren’t for the fact that I can only be sexually interested in a woman if she dresses up as Mother Hubbard and reads to me from “The Three Billy Goats Gruff”. I told you I was sexually screwed up.
Regards,
Shodan
Wow, combo of a crazy good rant combined with this absolutely hilarious nonsense… If only I had an imagination. Only thing that gets me is this whole mini-thread about the showing off of tae kwon do fighting prowess (an oxymoron if you ask me)… Who cares if you know a martial art, that doesnt automatically earn you respect with the uninitiated, or at least in the way you may wish… and any demonstrations will only lose you respect with those who do actually know/care. Punching a notebook… silly. Jujitsu’s where its at, why punch them with your fist when you can punch them with the floor. Hope I dont piss off all the fifteenth degree grandmasters, or maybe I hope I do…
Or you can learn both. I am studying both Kenpo and BJJ, and I guarantee you that if you know a striking art and a grappling art, you have a huge advantage over someone that only knows one or the other.
Of course, the fighter matters far more than the system, or didn’t you know that?
Coupla things.
Ninja Chick–Third degree in six years? Jesus Christ on a friggin’ stick (I realized the pun shortly after I started using the phrase, nothing meant by it) you’re crazy. I have written a note to myself never to piss you off.
I forget who asked way way up the thread, but generally (at least, in the styles I practice) punches from horse stance are directed to what would be the solar plexus on an imaginary opponent with exactly your same height and build.
And Demise, while I wholeheartedly agree with you (which is why I began learning Judo and later on Aikido) in my experience all but three fights I’ve seen or participated in outside of an Ultimate Fighting ring either end up one of two ways–either a) after the first hit the reciever hits the deck, runs away, or gives up or b) it degrades to a crude wrestling match on the floor, so regardless of one’s various advantages (and of course knowing how to lock up someone’s arm and break it in three places, my personal favorite, in combination with being able to hit their vital points applies to both situations) tend not to make too much of a difference in the average defense of one-self.
btw, those three fights were
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a friend of mine was fighting a kid sucker-punched him and basically stood there with his fists up. My friend was just using basic taekwondo, as this kid was a druggie who really didn’t know how to fight, and accordingly was waiting for him to make another hit. It got to the point where he watched him from a back stance, and after almost 10 seconds of nothing going by, gave him what was quite possibly the crudest back-kick I’ve ever seen. That was the second time he said he gave up after that, and delivered another sucker punch right after.
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Two kids I didn’t know hit each other a couple times then were kind of going up and down the parking lot rolling around before the cop assigned to the school was informed and came outside
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Back before I straightened myself out (November 3rd, 2002 was my “quitting” date. I’m happy to say I’ve had no lapses since) I was at a friend’s house and a fight broke out. A dude built like a brick wall singled me out, and we exchanged a few hits, but that was mostly cuz he and I both knew he could waste me in a second but neither of us really considered it (the reasons for which I won’t go into detail with, to keep from angering a mod). Eventually he picked me up and tossed me toward a wall. I think the only reason I survived was because I played dead.
I still imagine to this day that it had to be rather comedic, tho. A big ol’ taekwondo red belt (at the school he and I incidentally both went to, for those studying different styles, red is two grades below black, leaving in between high red, or 2nd degree) just picking me up and tossing me like in a movie.
I think I was in high school with Blondie’s older sister. Holy crap, she’s beyond stupid. She is the reason for blonde jokes.
I’ve gotten the same, NinjaChick. I had a friend who couldn’t fathom that I was bisexual, but dating a guy. “Aren’t you supposed to date girls?” I tried several times to explain to her that I was interested in people for their personalities, not their gender, and that meant I was attracted to, and could date, both men and women. Long pause. “But every bisexual I’ve ever known just dates girls. I don’t think you’re really bisexual if you date men, too.”
As my favorite quote reads: Stupid should hurt.
Ava
I wish. I’m first degree, been training for six years. THe NinjaGuy is a 3rd dan (maybe fourth, soon!) and has been training for more like ten years.
Of course, I recently saw a website from a dojang somewhere out west, and their big advertising point was that a black belt can take many years at other schools, but at X’s school, you WILL get your black belt in 2 years or less! That’s a pit thread in and of itself…:rolleyes:
“In summary: You a stupid, slutty, horribly ignorant, repungant, disgusting excuse for the union of a sperm and an egg.”
I’ve found my new sig!
Patty
And here I am in my fourth (fifth, maybe?) week of karate class.
Darn, I wish I was cool like NinjaGirl.
But I am only a Little Plastic Ninja.
And I’ve had to deal with bimbettes before too, Ninj. Flaky little things that will never really know how profoundly stupid they are…
NinjaGirl you are a ninja. You have real ultimate power. I suggest you use it on the Blonde Bimbo from Beyond. Why not just freak out and like cut her head off. That would be cool. And by cool, I mean totally sweet.
You too can learn more about Real Ultimate Power here:
http://www.realultimatepower.net/