In which I blandly pit whoever opened my FedEx package

I am too tired to work up some creatively frothy rant, but yesterday I came home from school as usual. I drive into the garage and come in that way, bypassing the front door, so I typically don’t notice that I’ve gotten a delivery unless the box is really big and obvious from the street. So about 20 minutes later, Dominic gets home from school. He does come in the front door, so he’s my little mailman. He comes in saying “there was an open box on the porch”.

I had ordered some software a couple of days ago. Paid $150 for it, and had it shipped FedEx 2nd day (it was only $1.99 for shipping). The FedEx people, rather than getting my signature, left the package on the porch. This happens often, and has never been a problem.

Well, this package was open. The tape had very clearly been cut with a sharp object. The box was empty except for styrofoam peanuts and a packing slip. The software had been removed.

I called the police and they sent an officer out. Dominic and I gave our report and got a report number. Contacted the company I ordered it from, gave them the police report number. They said they will file a claim with FedEx that could take 4-6 weeks. In the meantime I don’t have my software.

I emailed them asking what was going to happen next… were they going to send me a new one, or should I dispute the charge with my credit card company and re-order the software? I haven’t heard back yet.

But anyway, fuck you, anonymous person who stole my stuff. You suck. :frowning:

Maybe there were like extenuating circumstances. Perhaps some guy had kidnapped the thief’s daughter and going to kill her if this guy didn’t bring the kidnapper some stolen software.

Yeah, that’s totally plausible.

Or else they stole it to buy weed.

:open_mouth: Now I feel horrible for having said “fuck you” :frowning: That poor guy! I hope his daughter is ok…


I hate to break it to you, but the girl was in on it from the git-go, she thinks the guy who blackmailed her dad into stealing the software is in love with her and wants to run away to Vegas with her so they can get married, little dreaming that he’s actually got a wife and three kids and he’s just using her to get the software so he can hock it and pay off his gambling debts before the mob enforcer catches up with him.


Maybe there was a male bomb inside the package. The Fed-Ex man heard the ticking, drove to Blockbuster, rented Ten Things I Hate About You, drove home, and successfully deactivated the bomb; thus saving the day once again!

I prefer female bombs, myself. :slight_smile:

So what was the software? We need this information so we can make better and more lucid jokes about the thief.

I hate it when a package is rammed through a just too small letterbox or left on a street side front door :rolleyes:

Even if a signature isn’t required, if a postman/woman in the UK can’t put a package through the letterbox or get someone to open the door they should leave a slip that says so and return the package to the sorting office. Do they do this? Not always…

I had not known that explosive devices were sexually differentiated, but this does explain a lot: the common analogy of an orgasm to an explosion, for example, and in particular the 50s tendency to speak of a starlet as a “blonde bombshell.” Now I know why; thanks, Sunspace! :slight_smile:

“You want a toe? I can get you a toe.” -Walter Sobchak

Male bombs explode in you? Female bombs explode around you…? Even Grisom would shake his head at that one.

…but the OP would still be confetti-o’s. :frowning:

Sounds like you have the makings of some role playing porn here. :wink:

Q: How can you tell it’s a male bomb?
A: By the little balls.
(or something like that… it’s been a long while since I watched The Three Amigos)

With her son???!??? :eek:

Pushkin, I’d rather they leave it on the doorstep; I can’t always get to the delivery office to pick up from there.

By the mid-1960s (if not sooner) some of them were referred to as “sex bombs.” If one exploded, would everyone in the blast range get sex? I’m not sure how that would work, but what a concept, huh? :smiley:

[Ed Rooney (asst principal from Ferris Beuller)]
So THAT’s how it is in their family…
[/Ed Rooney]

Better than a fembot I suppose. Those things are evil!

ooops. I was reading that as a SO coming home. Sorry OC. :frowning:

I’m not buying it, why would some thief waste the time to cut open the package at your door and remove the contents when they could have just walked away with the entire Fedex box.

Something is not right about it.