In which Sandalfeet has a breakdown

I need to vent. Dont tell me I’m an attention craving whore, I need to vent.
The past couple of months have sucked. back in august, my fiance got deployed on a friday, I started a new job on a monday, got kicked out of my parents house on a tuesday. My mom said she didnt like me anymore, yes, my mom is mentally ill.

So I temporarily moved in with my friend Casey and his parents. My Fiance, who we will refer to as D, decided it was too much strain to be engaged while he is deployed (a year) and called off the engagement. sure, I was crushed, but I understood, and I accepted it. Few nights later, my ex calls to tell me how happy he is with his new girlfriend (he broke up with me becuase he said he didnt want to be with anyone for a long time).

A month later I moved into an apartment with a friend of a friend, S. S turns out to be the roomate from hell. I get Mono right after I move in, and sustain some liver damage. Then, my friend Kevin died. That hit me really hard, and I’m still having a hard time dealing with that.

The recent saga: S invited her friend to live with us. Didnt ask me, didnt ask the landlady. She wrote the landlady a fucking letter so she would find out after the fact. I’m worried we might all get kicked out, so I go see the landlady. I tell her I wasnt asked about the friend, so the landlady says in that case, the friend shouldnt be there. So she called S and told her her friend needed to be out by Monday. So S and her friend ask me to lie to the landlady, and pretend that S’s friend only sleeps over. I say no way in hell. So tonight my lovely roomate decided to inform me she is moving out by January. Fuck. I have NO money saved up. My job pays $5.50/hr, and my rent is $550 a month. Thank god I qualify for food stamps, or I wouldnt be eating. So I’m paniking as to what I’m going to do for housing.

Next topic: Since I was 11 (I am now 18) I’ve had my battles with depression, panic disorder, drug abuse, suicide attempts and the like. I was hospitalized in febuary for drug abuse/detox. I’ve been feeling pretty good since then. But last month I went thru the worst depression I ever have, but for the first time, I made it thru without doing drugs, or harming myself. Big accomplishment for me. But it was still really bad. I did not tell D about the depression last month, becuase I didnt want to worry him. But he knew something was up, and begged me tonight to tell him, so I did. Now he’s saying he has to think it over, he’s not sure if this is a deal-breaker or not. And the worst part is that he’s coming home for leave mid November for 2 weeks, and I’m afraid this will put a damper on it. A few days ago I was so excited for him to come home. Now I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I’m hoping all the shit has kind of reached it’s peak. it just seems like it’s one thing after another. Ahhhh, feels good to vent. Been keeping all that in since september.

My sympathies on all the troubles and tragedies you’ve experienced. Now, do I understand correctly…your fiance is saying that your depression might be a “dealbreaker”? If that’s what he meant, that is an outrageous thing to say, and I don’t think he is the one to marry. Hasn’t he ever heard of “In sickness and in health”?

Yeah, i don’t quite understand it either. He knew I was depressed in the past, and he was fine with that, untill he had to deal with it now. I’m trying to keep in mind what he’s doing right now. While I cant say what he does where he’s deployed to, it does involve an insane amount of stress, not much sleep. So I think maybe it’s just too hard for him to deal with in his current situation. And plus, he tends to be a bit emotional.

It’s not “outrageous” at all. Being temporarily depressed because of circumstances, and being chronically depressed etc. are two very different animals. For a potential SO to take on the informed burden of dealing with these very difficult problems in a potential spouse is one thing, but to hide the fact that you are chronically depressive from the man you would be marrying is not fair to him or to your future relationship. It’s a huge breach of trust.

With all of these happening to you – one after the other – it’s a bad time to make big decisions anyway. Geez, anybody would feel awful with all of that happening.

Consider this “Be Kind to Sandalfeet” Month. Take it easy and be patient with yourself. Eat well, get plenty of sleep and some exercise.

Later you might want to look for a room in someone’s home rather than a roommate right now. Just a thought.

sandalfeet, I know what you’re going through, been there more times than I care to think about.

For your ex to call you up just to tell you how happy he is, is his way at hurting you, which proves that he’s not worth your tears. If he’s willing to do that to an ex, there’s really no telling what he’d do to someone he loved if he got angry with them. (Cold comfort, I know, but it’s the truth.)

For your current SO to call off your engagement because he’s being deployed and then to say that he has doubts about the relationship because you were depressed tells me that he was having cold feet and has been looking for an excuse to worm his way out of the situation. I know that may sound harsh, but it’s true. According to a piece I heard on NPR, the majority of women in WW II waited for their men to come home from the war. The “Dear John” letter is a bit over-blown in popular imagination. Were your SO seriously commited to you, he’d not have broken off the engagement simply because he was being deployed (tons of folks have pushed up their wedding dates because of deployment). Frankly, the fact that he’s not willing to help you out with the rent speaks volumes to me.

As for what you’re going to do for the rent money, that’s a toughie, but not impossible to fix. First thing you should do is to talk to the landlord, you might be able to work something out (possibly not, but you never know until you try). The next thing that you need to do is look at trying to find a second job or one that pays better or both. (Difficult in this crappy economy, I admit.) Also see if anyone you know is willing to move in with you to help out, or if they’ve got a place available for you to stay at a lower rent than what you’re paying now. Since you’re already on food stamps, you might be able to qualify for other government assistance, so you should look into that as well.

And hell, if all else fails, drop me an e-mail, and I’ll let you stay on my couch rent-free until you can get on your feet. (Yeah, I know, I’m a thousand miles away from where you are and the place is a wreck at the moment, but it beats being homeless by a long shot, believe me.)

Have you considered enlisting?

Considering that he “temporarily” broke off their engagement due merely to the stress of being deployed, only to call a couple nights later talking about his new girlfriend, I would seriously question whether they have a future relationship that would be worth pursuing, based on that alone and not on whether or not she should have told him about her depression.

Perhaps I mis-read, but I got the impression that the ex-boyfriend who called, and the deployed-on-hold-fiance are two different people, and the ex-boyfriend is from a before the deployed-on hold-fiance relationship.

Hmm, maybe you’re right, astro. That’s not clear.

Still, the way I read the part about depression was that she hadn’t told him about the episode of last month, rather than the history of ongoing problems. If so, I can understand her reluctance to not tell him just then out of concern, if their separation alone causes him this much anxiety and leads him to break off the engagement for now.

I personally can’t understand how “temporarily” breaking an engagement can relieve stress in this situation, but maybe it’s just me.

sandal, if I may…
18 is way too young to be engaged. You still have a lot of growing up to do. I don’t say this to be mean, but I was married in my early 20s and although I love Ivylad, we were both very young.

One thing at a time…get your housing situation straightened out. For Deployed Boyfriend to consider your illness a dealbreaker should be a dealbreaker for you. How dare he! I wouldn’t even see him when he comes home.

Go see your doctor about your depression. Let us know how it goes.

I have some experience with the effect of chronic depression on a marriage. The following is totally IMHO, and should not be mistaken for actual advice:

1: Ok, I lied, this is advice. If you are suffering from chronic depression you should consider medical consultation about SSRI therapy. The state of the art in treatment of chronic depression has advanced rapidly in recent years. Ask a doctor if this is right for you.

2: Living with some-one suffering from chronic depression is draining, bleak, and quite literally depressing. I don’t have the stats handy, but some incredibly high proportion of spouses of depression sufferers become depressed themselves. It takes a strong, committed relationship to stand the strain. It takes a lot of love. There is very little room in such a relationship for romance.

3: That said, what you need right now is support. Nearly unconditional support. You do not need some-one who isn’t sure if he can provide that.

4: Find yourself a support network of frends, support groups, fellow sufferers, students, co-workers, whatever. Your location isn’t very specific, but in most of New England hospital- and community-based support groups for depression are available and accesible. Failing that, there are online communities.

5: Don’t let anyone disparage whatever triggers your depression. Example: One sufferer I know is a middle-class, well-educated, European citizen in good physical health who has no great monetary worries. His father grew up in Germany during and after WWII and one of his grandfathers served on the other side in the same war. Neither can understand why their descendant has a “problem”. In point of fact, neither needs to understand why. Depression is a disorder, and it is a disorder of an organ as physical as the spleen. It is real, and has real effects. The people who can’t understand that maybe can’t help you as much as you need right now.

6: Best of luck. We’re all pulling for you.

astro- He’s known about my past depressions. I didnt tell him about the one last month becuase I didnt want him to worry.

Tuckerfan- He called off the engagement after he was deployed for a month. part of it was cold feet. Another part was that he thought it was making him miss me more, he had a really really hard time at first being away. He is helping me with rent here and there, and he made the deposit on the apartment for me.

ferret herder- It was my ex who called about his girlfriend
for all those suggesting medical advice:

For years I have been in and out of treatment, on many different meds, and mis-diagnosed many many times. I recieved a new diagnosis and treatment plan in march, and since then have been doing much better.

My SO said he would try to call tonight, so hopefully we’ll get some stuff straightened out. now that I think about it, I dont think he was all that seroiuse about the whole “deal breaker” thing. When he gets upset, he really overreacts. I think he was hurt by our conversation, and was trying to make me feel bad too. This deployment has been so hard. He has such a short temper, and my nerves are shot from spending our conversations defending myself as he twists my words around. It’s gotten better in the past few weeks, but I feel like we are starting to slip into the pattern again.

sigh I hate deployments :frowning:

Boy, is this a bad sign. He’ll end up training/molding you to be his puppet… someone who will do anything to keep him from “losing his temper.” You won’t listen, but I say run the other way. Disappear. Chances are very good he’ll follow after you, but if you do forgive him, chances are much greater that he’ll continue to be manipulative and eventually you’ll be really sorry you gave him another chance. Especially with depression problems, you need somebody bigger and stronger than this.

I realize that you will read this and defend him, but - as the old folks say - mark my words…

BooksWoods is dead on, sandalfeet, and I hope you realize it.

As for him helping you “here and there,” that’s simply not good enough. If you’re to be his wife (and potentially the mother of his children), then he should be making damn sure that you’re okay. That’s why you two should have gotten hitched before his latest deployment. He could be bounced to some ugly part of the world and get killed, were you his wife, you’d be entitled to survivors benefits, as his SO, you get nothing. So obviously he doesn’t give a shit about what happens to you after he dies. So why should you give a shit about him while he’s alive?

I’ve been right where you have. Seriously. Except I was 19 and there was no fiance. Roommate moved out, lost my job, depressed, so on so forth except I also had awful panic attacks and university to deal with.

It does get better, honey. I’m 26 now and my life couldn’t be better.

Do me a favor, though. Follow these other posters’ advice. Get rid of this moron who is just holding on to you as a security blanket while he’s going through a rough time. It doesn’t sound like he really cares about you, and as someone who has been dumped hard by a “fiance,” listen to those warning signs and find yourself a new man who will TREASURE YOU and SUPPORT YOU and HELP YOU.

Not a little whiny “Our engagement is stressing me out” little mama’s boy!

You all have a point. But I remember how it was when he was here. It was a fairy tale. And you also have to consider what he is going thru on this deployment: hell. But it wasnt always like this, and if he’s willing to work on it, which he says he is, I know we can get back what we had. I just dont want to needlessly throw in the towel. And once more, I need to clarify. I am totally to blame for him not financially suporting me. I’ve always had this thing about excepting money from people, it makes me feel akward. When I told him how much the deposit was on my apartment, he said right away that he was going to pay for it, and I said no. He kept trying to get me to agree to let him wire the money to me, but I didnt want him to. So he sent his dad over to where i was staying to hand me cash, LOL. And somewhere in every conversation theres the money conversation:
Him: how about finances, you ok there?
Me: yeah, tight, but ok.
Him: well, let me send you some money.
Me: no, it’s ok.
Him:Please?
me: no.
Him: well, ok. If you need it, ask.

But, quite honestly, unless you’ve been through an SO being deployed, especially in the situation he is, it’s hard to understand. I’m in a support group for the wives and girlfriends of his group, and pretty much all of them are having similar issues.

I can’t imagine being mature enough at 18 to have survived half of what you’ve gone thru in such a short time. Congratulate yourself on keeping going despite the odds. Well done!

Considering that your family doesn’t qualify as a support system, and probably half your friends are still living at home/in university and have no real conception of what worrying about the rent is like, you might be hanging on to the SO out of plain ol’ lonliness. Understandable, especially in your situation, but if you heard some of the phrases you’ve posted here coming out of a gf’s mouth, what conclusions might you draw?

Lots of good advice so far, Ivylass was dead on with the bit about waiting awhile, and Zoe’s idea of renting a room seems to be a very good housing solution. It’s much easier to find something like that in a college town, in my experience, is that a possibility for you?

Depression, dealing with a friends death, deployment, shitty relatives, low-paying job, cruel ex and hellacious roommates, you certainly have had more than your fair share of crud. Just keep going, no matter how much you want to lay down and stop, it’s bound to change soon.

As someone who is married to a chronic depressive, this is dead on. I didn’t know about it when we got together, and it got worse after our second child. It’s very hard to comfort someone when they themselves don’t know what’s wrong with them. Even if I’m part of her being depressed, saying I’m sorry doesn’t always make things any better; in fact it can sometimes get worse. Sometimes I can hold her and talk softly, sometimes she doesn’t want me near her. It’s very hard to deal with as I have never had depression myself. I don’t even have anything to help me get a grasp on why she feels like this. Meds have helped her out in the past, as well as therapy, but there are always relapses. It has stressed our marriage to the breaking point, which of course seems to trigger another bout.

Lately all she does is stay in bed all day and weep off and on. I don’t know why and she says she doesn’t either. I was so desperate to see her smile the other day, I bought her a bunch of daisies (her favorite) and wrote on the card: “Smile. Each day brings with it a chance at peace and happiness. Take it whenever and wherever you can.” She managed a half-hearted smile, then cried a few minutes later. The flowers still sit on a counter, and I don’t think she’s looked at them since. I was hoping at least that she would take heart that tomorrow just might be the day when this all ends, and she’ll smile for real again.

Okay, the fact that you’re not willing to accept him helping you out financially means that you’re not ready to be married. You shouldn’t be thinking of it as “his money” but as “our money.” By rejecting his offers of help, you’re subconsciously rejecting him.

As for the hell of what you’re going through, I haven’t been through that, but I’ll tell you what I have been through:

When I was your age, I was dating a girl slightly younger than myself. She was bulimic, anorexic, depressed, suicidal, not on any medication (or in therapy) and her parents did everything they could to prevent us from having contact with one another since I came “from the wrong side of the tracks.” Weeks would go by without us ever having any contact with one another ([geezer comment]This was before e-mail and cellphones.[/gc]), and I had no way of finding out how she was doing. Nor did her parents bother to inform me that she’d tried to kill herself by slashing her wrists. I only found out after she missed one of our rare, scheduled meetings what had happened. Even then, her parents didn’t see the need to put her into therapy!

She did get therapy, but only after her elder sister spent a year pleading with their parents to send her to a psychitrist. She ended up spending a month in a mental institution before it was all over with (and let me tell you, the letters she sent me from there were filled with horror stories), and still her parents never once changed their minds about the two of us dating or having any contact with one another.

This went on for over 2 1/2 years before she broke things off, because she just couldn’t put up with the shit her parents were giving her over seeing me. (And they had no evidence that we were still together, they just assumed that everytime she went out, she was going to see me.)

So, I may not know what the hell of deployment’s like, but I’ve seen enough of hell to have a damned good idea of what it’s like.