Incubus is douchebag

The BBQ Pit
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I’m back. An explanation:

Yesterday the weight of all the criticism of all the dopers really pushed down on me. I fully admit I was an asshole. Yes it was out of line, and yes it was uncharacteristic of me. There was a lot of talk about how I took this sudden change in tone and I really thought about it. Part of those initial comments made me start to feel very ashamed of how I was acting. Of course, to own up to my behavior and apologize was to reflect on all the stupid stuff I have said for a long time.

This pit thread has dissected every embarassing thing I have ever said and done. And in a way it is a breath of fresh air. To be perfectly honest, I do not give my previous decade plus years of posts nearly as much scrunity as people have given them in the past few days. It has been very embarassing to click the links and read the quotes of things I had said with such convinction years prior.

The previous post was actually my wife. Starting on Sunday, and continuing onto Monday with this pit thread I felt angrier and more unstable. Dopers, intelligent as ever, unraveled many of my lies and bragging. Like many other fools before me, I only saw fit to double down on my stupidity. Perhaps I wanted to be punished for all the irrational anger that had been brewing the past year. I’m still not sure. But yesterday afternoon I texted my wife and told her I was upset, that I had messed up a lot of things, and was feeling down.

Over dinner my wife was very concerned what was bothering me. And I told her everything. All the fat bashing, all the mean-spirited things I said. She rightfully chewed me out, called me a bully, and like many people here said I had no reason to act so superior to others. She was particularly angry about how much I talked about her. My wife is an extremely private person, and I violated a great deal of trust by over elaborating and embellishing a lot about her to make myself look better. She asked that I stop talking about her as she is not interested in any drama, good or bad, that happens on this messageboard.

The truth is I’m just an extremely average guy, my mom paid for my college education but I was only a C student. I got really hung up on being so mediocre since even back then I knew a lot of stuff was being handed to me. When you live life on Easy Mode, struggling with it becomes very embarassing. What followed was a series of dysfunctional relationships due to my own low opinion of myself and low standards. Around 2003 I really started trying to grow up, move out, and act like a regular human being instead of a whiny douchebag. From 2003-2008 I steadily got my act together like many other late bloomers before and after me did, realized all the stupid stuff I had done and resented it.

When my wife and I met it seemed like my life was really moving forward. She was the only person in my life patient enough to deal with my bullshit but assertive enough to call me out on all of it. She carried all the qualities I wished I could be. Someone had told me “to be what you wish to be, emulate that and you will become it”. Since my wife was much more self actualized than myself I really took her attitudes to heart.

Then I descended back into douchebaggery because I had gotten to the point where it seemed like everybody that hadn’t gotten to the point I had was lazy or an idiot. The more self-aware of my own faults I became the more I resented it in every form I saw. Since the internet allows people to share very strident opinions with little reprecussions, it was easy for this messageboard to be my punching bag.

Many people will probably go on to not believe I am married, and my wife is too private for me to bother proving her existence to anyone. I fully admit I have hurt her feelings in many ways and the best thing I probably did the past few days was be forward to her about how much of an asshole I had been acting online.

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Incubus, I’m glad you came back and I take you at your word. Like I said upthread, I don’t think you’re a permanent jerk. Show that you’ve grown from this through your future postings and I won’t hold it against you. (This being the Dope, some people will, of course.)

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And…?

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Well now I don’t feel so jealous about her appearance.

:frowning:

I for one am a fan of your salary though.

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You know, in my opinion this post makes you one of the most respectable members of this message board.

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That was insightful, self-aware, humble and honest. Some might say courageous.

…Who is this really now??

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I’ll give the benefit of the doubt. Good on you, Incubus. Self-improvement can be tough, but it’s worth it.

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Incubus, I’m going to assume that your post is sincere and that your wife actually did post here. I’m a little skeptical of both, but it’s just easier to take everything at face value.

I am perfectly willing to downgrade your douchebag title to something else. But a heartfelt post isn’t enough, not for me. I’m going to be looking for real change going forward. These are the things I will be looking for as evidence that you have really matured:

  1. You stop this “hugbox” nonsense. Assuming your come-to-Jesus moment is real, do you now see why this macho posturing is potentially damaging? The internet fails if we’re all hiding our feelings behind tough-guy personas. You’re lucky that you have a wife to turn to when you’re sad and angry. Not everyone is so fortunate. Perhaps if you had made yourself vulnerable here earlier and let people know that you’re dealing with insecurities, we would have been able to give you the love and the assurances that you obviously need (and there is nothing wrong with having this need. We ALL have needs).

So if you make one more disparaging reference to the internet “hugbox”, I’m going to conclude you’re yanking our chains right now.

  1. You stop this “spergy” nonsense. Maybe you know a lot of people who are “spergy”, so you feel you have unique insight into this. But the word is a horrible insult. A few years ago I got my diagnosis when I wasn’t even looking for it. I’ve rejected it, though. Mainly because of the stigma. For 30-something years, my identity was constructed on being a strong black woman of the same ilk as Claire Huxtable and Serena from “28 Days Later”. And that label threatened to take all of that away from me. But you know what? I can afford to be so cavalier about a diagnostic label because I really am more quirky than handicapped. Other people aren’t so fortunate. When you denigrate the “spergs” and other people dealing with social difficulties, you keep these people from getting the help they need. You keep them isolated and depressed. And you suck for doing this.

So if you don’t stop doing this, I’m going to conclude you’re yanking our chains right now.

  1. You stop with the fat-bashing nonsense. I don’t even have to tell you why, because I think you already get it. Just stay away from all fat-related threads for awhile.

If you make one more snide remark about a fat person, I’m going to conclude you’re yanking our chains right now.

Finally, instead of telling us how interesting your life is, show us. Why not start a “Ask the Transit Bus Driver” thread? I know I have some questions I’d ask. (Like where do ya’ll go to the bathroom!!!) And when you post in IMHO, try not to mention what your wife thinks. Doing so will make you seem less like a character and more like a real person.

Anyway, I hope you aren’t yanking our chains and that this isn’t some elaborate stunt.

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monstro said it beautifully, as usual.

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This place is getting more and more like 4chan…

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Good! Hopefully some people will start taking it a little less seriously.

This thread is pathetic on about a thousand different levels.

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I’ve found it mildly entertaining, in an unpleasant sort of way.

But I’d be interested to hear all about its patheticness, especially if you’re pitting a pit.

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This little comedy has followed one of the standard trolling story arcs. Many are the trolls who simply switched tactics and not only continued to play people, but actually started collecting compliments for “honesty” and “integrity.”
I do not buy one bit of this story.

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Incubus, I can identify with you. IRL I’m nothing like my online identity. Here, I’m more brash, daring, goofy and vulgar. I’ve had my comeuppances too. I used to be a real terror on LiveJournal, and it led to me getting fired. I vented about my supervisors and one of our biggest clients from work. I got called into a meeting with the VP and head of HR. They showed me a printout of my rant and asked “Is this you?” okthxbye

In this internet age, everything you say can be used against you. As a consequence of my past disasters with the WWW, I’m the most boring person ever on FB. I don’t dare say anything controversial, and I certainly don’t talk about work. SDMB is the only place I can let my freak flag fly to some degree. There’s so many exceptional people here, I feel like I have to exhibit some sort of atypical character flaw to stand out.

I can understand why you spewed your dislike of fat girls among other things. Not because it’s a major issue with you, but because you enjoyed seeing the reaction you got, and pushing buttons is thrilling. Sometimes it’s fun to drop a live grenade in the middle of a crowded room.

So, even though you’re aware of your douchebaggery and you’ve resolved to improve yourself, I hope you don’t improve too much. I didn’t come here to read the posts of the perfectly behaved. I’m partial to the misfits.

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Normally, I would agree with you. But since Incubus is a long-time poster here and hasn’t always acted like an ass, I think it’s fair to give him a shot. Monstro nailed it as usual in her most recent post.

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Oh, it’s nothing really. It just boggles my mind how seriously some people take all this stuff.

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I’m skeptical too. But I guess I don’t mind being a gullible fool. I’m just here to be entertained. Not to take anyone or anything too seriously.

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If it’s a stunt, it’s not that elaborate…

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Like others, I’m not sure what to believe anymore. But it is easier for my wee brain to take what I see at face value. In the oft chance that things actually happen to be as they appear, I’ll comment.

This strikes me as a very insightful self-assessment. If your life truly is going well right now, then you need to figure out where all this anger is coming from. In my experience, happy people tend to be the least judgemental; not because they are morally superior, but because they have too many other interests to bother with the distraction of other people’s foilbles.

It’s possible you are still trying to figure out who you are, just as you did when you were younger. You seem caught up in being seen as “the guy who transformed himself into hot shit and therefore is wise beyond his years”, but deep down, you know are still very much the same person you used to be. The desire to live up to all these standards that you impose on yourself (but somehow can never really meet) is probably why you harp on your wife’s high standards. You want to meet her standards and you want to convince yourself that you do, but I don’t think you really believe you do, and it’s making you act out in frustration. This is my armchair diagnosis.

Whatever is going on, you’re certainly not alone in your issues. So don’t beat yourself up too bad.

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:confused: There are just under 50 levels of pathos, though.