Infidelity experiences: ever cheat or been cheated on?

In My Humble Opinion
26

Current relationship which is still a bit under 6 months old: wouldn’t think of it.

Previous long-term relationship (1998-2005): never thought of it.

L-T relationship previous to that (1992-1998): had an affair with a married man, altho I was not married to my b/f at the time (no argument whether that “makes it ok”- not in my book.) Married man was co-worker in branch office in another city, but not very far away. He married young, to a much younger woman than he, even at the time, and altho she was stunning and shapely in a Cindy Crawford kind of way, she was no intellectual giant. She had literally no ability to converse with him in the way he wanted to converse with a woman. We simply began by conversing, and stimulating each other mentally. Other things developed. I genuinely loved him dearly, and still do. When he quit the company after a couple years, we gradually stopped seeing one another, and I was devastated by the loss of his companionship, as he was by mine. It sounds funny to say I still love him now, when I know I would never sleep with him again for any reason, but we did have such an abiding mental connection of the type that just doesn’t dissipate, even over the years. I didn’t want to hurt b/f at all, he was exceptionally good to me, and he never did find out. But like my lover’s wife, my b/f was no conversationalist, no reader, and no deep thinker. I missed that. Eventually it caused the break of our relationship entirely.

In retrospect, if I had the time to do over, I wouldn’t change a thing, for the sheer joy of married lover’s company. But I wouldn’t (and haven’t) done anything like that since, and can’t see myself indulging for any reason. My intellectual and creative needs are being more than adequately met, not to mention complete satisfaction of all other urges.

–Beck

27

We’re not married, so I suppose that’s got some bearing on my views on it. If the Tasha-boy and I were married, I think I’d be a little more stringent about my views regarding it. However, I also grew up with two parents who love each other deeply but have always had marital problems - drug abuse and alcoholism, several infidelities (one resulting in my half-sister), and on top of that just generally being poor as fuck and having two hungry children to feed. And they worked through it. I was brought up that divorce is a last-ditch option, what you do if the person is going on a suicidal bent or beating the fuck out of you. My mom has got to be the most patient and loving woman on the face of the planet (and you’d better believe it, she rocks) to have put up with all of my dad’s shit, but she did, and they’re still together, and even happy now that they’ve worked through all of that. If anyone can ever reach what my parents have achieved in life, well - that’s just fucking amazing.

~Tasha

28

I’ve neither cheated on, nor been cheated on, in any relationship that was explicitly and mutually agreed to be monogamous.

29

Excuse the double post. cacophonist, who had only posted in this thread, appears to have been banned, so there’s probably no utility in posting replies and questions to her.

30

I’ve been cheated on, twice. My husband has been cheated on, twice. Both of us knowing how it feels, neither of us ever want to put someone we love through that shit. Neither of us have ever cheated and, by the looks of it, likely never will.

I had a brush with an opportunity to cheat, after my first ex had already cheated on me. I turned it down, insisted I wanted to try to work things out with the ex, and we tried, but then he started in with the threats and the freak outs and abuse in order to “keep” me. I left and sought greener pastures. Greener pastures appeared as a rebound relationship about three months later, and the ex insisted I was a cheater and a slut, somehow. I felt awful. The new relationship suffered greatly because of it, as the new beau used that old guilt against me. Both relationships crashed and burned, burned, burned into the ground.

After all that, I didn’t want anymore drama. I turned to friend who had gone through some very similar experiences, who also wanted no more drama. We fell in love and my life has been a sweet and happy existence ever since, relationship-wise. If things go sour, it won’t be because of cheating.

31

I dated a man in college who, unknown to me, was married. When I found out, I briefly considered staying with him (he said he was getting divorced), but I decided to break it off and have no further contact with him. Of the things I’ve done in my life, that’s one of the ones I feel the worst about- that I considered continuing a relationship with a married man after I found out about it.

32

Nope, I’ve never been cheated on as far as I know. The ex-gf had the…ahem…courtesy to call me to break up a few minutes before actually fucking another guy.

Nope, I have never cheated on anyone. I’ve been single all of my life excluding July 2000-Aug 2001 and June 2002-Jan 2003 (same gf both times) so I haven’t really had much opportunity to cheat. However, I cannot imagine that I would ever cheat: I can only handle one woman at a time; there’s no way I could juggle two :eek: .

I did have a somewhat on-and-off fuck-buddy type relationship from August 2003-Feb 2005. She occasionally copulated with other fellas when I wasn’t around (we lived an hour apart), but we did not have a bf-gf type relationship so know feelings were hurt and no trust was broken. She would tell me all about each experience and compare each dick mine and whatnot. I enjoyed her company the most because I never felt like she was trying to deceive me or lie to me or cheat on me. She was so gorgeous and free spirited; it’s too bad that she moved farther away to another time zone :frowning: . I did not romantically encounter anyone else during that time nor have I done so since that time. Though, I did give a girl a backrub last weekend at a music festival…hehe, that’s most action I’ve had in a while.

33

Sure. Why not? Logically it makes perfect sense. The worst thing that can possibly happen is that a girl you’ve already had sex with a bunch of times breaks up with you freeing you to have sex with whoever you want.

I didn’t cheat on my first girlfriend in highschool when I had the opportunity. Looking back it seems stupid to not have. I wasn’t going to marry this girl or anything and we ended up breaking up weeks later (because the bitch was cheating on me!!).

I don’t in my current relationship because we live together and are “serious”. Although not wanting to come home to a bonfire of my stuff might also have something to do with it too.

I guess cheatings ok unless you are engaged or married because in those cases you have made an promise to be faithful. Anything else is just assumed.

34

::teleporting msmith537 an umbrella in the event a shitstorm ensues::

35

Probably not necessary - if the other SDMB wimins are anything like me, we’ve already crossed msmith537 off our list of potential dates anyway. :slight_smile:

36

No, the worse thing that can happen is that you’ll cause enormous heartbreak to someone you love. If you don’t understand why that’s a bad thing, I feel sorry for you.

37

I’m sort of kidding. The biggest problem with cheating is not that you might hurt the other person (you’ll do that anyway if you break up). It’s that you aren’t being true to yourself. People cheat because they aren’t happy in their relationship but feel compelled to stick with it for whatever reason - marriage, obligation, fear, whatever. There’s another thread with some guy who feels compelled to stay with a girl he hates for three years (the thread has since degeneraged into a Paul Simon song).

38

My ex in college cheated on me. I should have seen it coming, we met each other and started seeing each other during the week while his girlfriend was at school. She’d come down for the weekends and I’d make myself scarce. So why I expected thing to be different when I went to college is beyond me. Anyway, I found out he was cheating (that itself is an interesting kind of story) with a girl during the week - regularly, in front of all of our friends. I dumped him immediately, spent the next month feeling sick to my stomach and took the bastard back - but dumped him again a few months later…after I had cheated on him with a guy in front of all his friends. Then I went around and told all of his dirty secrets to everyone. Ah, love.

39

My first boyfriend (now, obviously an ex) left me for another girl, and I only found out at the very end that they’d had something going on for a while. Did I just not see it? Was it obvious and I was trying to convince myself it wasn’t happening? I don’t even know.

Not that it matters now - the past is long gone and I’ve got a great man who knows the cardinal rule of the relationship: You cheat, you die*. And it works both ways. But honestly, I can’t ever see myself wanting to cheat. Maybe everyone says that, but I’m of the opinion that cheating will only make an unhappy relationship even worse.

*[sub]I wouldn’t actually kill him. Well, probably not… [/sub] :slight_smile:

40

I hate to hijack threads, but I need some more information here…

You can RENT snakes from the zoo?!

Do they go by the hour, or by the pound?

And yes, I’ve had some cheating experiences, and I wish I didn’t.

41

Never on my husband and I would be just amazed to discover he’d cheated on me. He’s very shy, first of all and loyal I really love him and wouldn’t want to hurt him by cheating.

I cheated on the bf before him. He was 15 years older than me, an alcoholic and, pre-viagra, had erection problems. He also lived with his very needy mother, although he claimed that she was visiting from Florida and just never went home. After about a year of feeling lonely in this relationship I got a new boss, even older than bf. He was not at all attractive physically and I was sort of horrified to learn he’d been asking about me. Also he was married and his grown son worked there too. But I liked the attention and he was charming and I was a bit of a partier at the time. So, one night I got a little tipsy, let him take me home and we began a relationship that lasted until the day after I met my husband. The relationship with the bf overlapped this one for about a year and, because he was not married, he was my official bf and therefore I was cheating.

I don’t know what happened to the bf after I met Mr. Caricci, but I recently googled the other guy and learned he died about a year ago. :frowning:

42

Never cheated, have been cheated on.

In the wee hours of the morning on September 11, 2001 (so you can see why I remember what day it was), I broke up with a girl. I wasn’t feeling it anymore, and I kinda thought she wasn’t either, so I decided to just cut it off. Perhaps she still liked me more than I did her, because she apparently either decided suddenly that she wanted to hurt me, or had a guilty conscience - and she told me she’d cheated on me a while back.

Obviously it didn’t bother me that much; in fact, I wasn’t surprised to find that out at all, given her sexual tendencies.

I haven’t ever cheated, but I confess I’ve been mighty tempted to a few times. Fortunately for both me and my girlfriend, I haven’t crossed the line, and I hope I never do.

43

As for cheating – yeah, when I was in my late teens.

I really loved the girl I was with, or so it seemed to me, at least.

Then she got sick. Contagious, laid-up-in-bed-for-a-month sick. While she was sick, I met a cute punk chick at the laundromat and she came on strong to me. Being a horny teenager, I jumped at the opportunity without any hesitation or thought for my sick girlfriend. Out of sight, out of mind. I mean, this new girl was cute – and absurdly horny.

I didn’t consider my GF at all – until what I was up to got back to her, and it got back to me that it had gotten back to her. Then it hit me all at once and I was a caricature of Regret.

I walked across town to her house, in winter, without being dressed for it. The combination of the cold, a rough shirt, and brisk and determined pace chafed my nipples so badly that they actually bled. I felt this was somehow appropriate for a penitent. Surely she’d see how sorry I was for what I had done. I could make it right.

When I got there, of course, there was nothing I could say, and I will never forget the look on her face as I made my appeal. Hurt, disgusted – and totally cold. So unlike her usual self that it was incomprehensible. (I wonder how much of it was due to the fact that she was really, really sick.) I remember the way she shook her head as I spoke, moving it only about a centimeter. No, I would not be forgiven. Obviously.

Circumstances were such that I still saw her all the time, and it was really awkward for a long while. Eventually she warmed up enough that we were friendly again – but I still loved her. (Or so it seemed to me, at any rate.) I thought that if I could demonstrate to her that I was capable of being a decent guy, eventually I’d get another shot and all would be well. She saw other people (which drove me out of my skull with jealousy, which I assiduously kept hidden,) and I saw other people. Years passed. We became comfortable friends.

One of us was usually involved with someone else, or absent. The few times that we were both single, I never felt like I was in a position to try to make a move there again – although I wanted to. I dreaded judgement.

I know it sounds a bit (or extremely) creepy when spelled out in black-and-white. I still love her, to be honest. (And I’m glad that she’s found someone that seems like a perfect match for her, though I used to be as jealous as hell, when I first met him, years ago.) What I came away with, though, is a healthy regard for fidelity. Maybe just because I’m not someone who handles guilt well, at all, at all.

I don’t think I will ever cheat again. Not worth it.

Okay, at least one person on the planet would say that was a bald-faced lie, and I suppose some others will agree. Once, after I had met a new girl, the woman I had been sleeping with regularly came over to my house for a big confrontation. I didn’t really see that she had much of a case against me; she was married, with children. There were still a lot of tears and I’m ashamed to say that I was pretty cold and mean about the whole thing. Zero empathy or compassion. She was a sweet girl, too.

As for the other side…

I lived with a woman for some time. Second time setting up housekeeping with someone, so a pretty big deal. One day I waited for her to come home, with a special meal prepared, and wine, and all that good stuff – because it was her birthday. And I waited… and waited… and ran the gamut of human emotions, until she stumbled in after midnight, drunk off her ass, and announced without any preamble that her coworkers had taken her out for birthday drinks and that she’d gone home with one of them and fucked him.

I didn’t want to argue, because she was drunk – but I was furious. I don’t remember much of how it went down, but I put her to bed and left. Couldn’t even take the couch, went and woke a friend up and slept on his couch. (Tiny place, and the thought of her passed out on the other side of the door just enraged me.) I went back the next day and we talked about it – sort of. She blamed booze. She ought not to drink, she said, because she was Irish. WTF?

I moved out pretty much immediately. Stubborn bastid. I think today I would probably be a little more forgiving of something that might have been a one-time fuck-up… but I’m not sure. I wouldn’t talk to her for ages, but we eventually became good friends again. We used to screw a lot when nothing else was on the go, but I would never trust her enough to be in a “relationship” situation with her again.

44

Never cheated. Pretty sure I’ve been cheated on by both the women I’ve had truly serious romantic relationships (as opposed to summer flings, friends-with-benefits arrangemens, etc.) with. Women have cheated on their boyfriends with me. (The latter is usually how I get into dating after a long dry spell; I play around with a girl dating someone else, then it falls apart and I actually date another girl almost immediately afterward. It’s a weird pattern and I hope it’s not how the current dry spell ends.)

I’d happily go the rest of my life without another woman cheating on her SO with me. In my last relationship, with a girl who was smokin’ hot, I dealt with a misogynist “friend” who was always trying to put the moves on her, and that was when I realized what an asshole I had been to be the Other Guy. Especially the first time around; her boyfriend and I weren’t necessarily close, but we were acquaintances and we hung out with the same people. He knew what was going on at the time but couldn’t take it out on me because he didn’t have any proof; his GF and I both uncharacteristically did very well at keeping our lips sealed about it. So instead of knocking me out, he knocked holes into walls (at our high school) with door handles and beat the shit out of markerboards and trees. I didn’t feel guilty at all at the time because he had gradually turned from a totally chilled-out dude to a violent psycho before I started messing with his girlfriend, and thankfully he never got dangerously violent with her, although unfortunately he did slap her and stalk her and otherwise intimidate her. Again, he did that before she and I did anything, but even so it seems weird looking back that I was so nonchalant about what I was doing. I’ve apologized to him and he seems to have chilled back out, but things are understandably weird between him and I, and I haven’t physically seen him in a couple of years.

I got my just desserts when, after she dumped him and things were just starting to get good between me and her, she started exclusively dating my female friend while I was out of state for a week. My “friend” proceeded to treat her like a doormat; I’d seen this friend ruin people before in romantic relationships and I tried to warn the girl who was now shutting me off, but of course she wouldn’t believe me and who would? A lot of people would make up stuff like that in that kind of situation. But no, turned out my friend was really about as sweet as vinegar like I warned her, and…well. I don’t want to talk any more about this, frankly. The whole thing is pretty crazy and it basically amounted to one travesty after the other, with each person involved getting served pretty equal portions. Things are weird between her (the girl who originally cheated on her BF) and me now.

I don’t think I could ever date a girl who’d cheated on someone else with me. No offense Dung Beetle, I believe you, but generally if there’s ever a guarantee that someone will cheat on you, it’s that they’ve cheated with you, IMO. YMMV, I guess. Just seems like it’s a thrill that fundamentally either rocks some center of your brain or doesn’t. I can’t say I’ve ever thought of having sexual relations with other women during any relationship that was mutually agreed upon as monogamous, beyond idle fantasy, and frankly I don’t think I would ever find it worth pursuing. But I used to get such a kick out of women cheating on their SOs with me. Better than cocaine, and I should know. I used to love the way they’d get flustered and paranoid when their boyfriends would call while we were hanging out. I loved hearing them lie to cover hanging out with me. It was such an ego boost! But because I’d taken such pride in luring them away, the ends of those “relationships” would hurt a lot more than those of my real relationships.

:eek: Ouch! That’s fucked up beyond belief, dude. I can’t begin to imagine that.

Er, by “in front of all of our/his friends”, do you mean getting down and doing the swamp dance in the buff while the friends watched? Both of you did this?!

45

[hijack] You can at ours. We’re not strictly a zoo; we also function as an animal agent. That means that we’re the folks that provide animals for movie, TV and advertising work locally, either our own or animals that are registered with us. I also take about twenty-five animals off-site and do presentations with them in schools, at birthday parties, etc.

I got the snake wrangling gig because the boss knew I’d mutiny if I didn’t!

Oh, and it’s a flat rate. :smiley: [end hijack]