In the NSFW pic threadHazle Weatherfield asked the participants:
This got me thinking how I would feel if my S.O. had asked to post in the thread, or I found she had done so without my knowledge. Then I read pbbth’s post in which she states:
This got me really thinking. Speaking just for myself (were my S.O. to do the same), I would be more upset that my S.O. chose to send the picture to a select few individuals rather than post them to the thread. Keeping the images private somewhat defeats the point of participating, unless I am misunderstanding the thread (if there is even a point). Additionally, it sort of signifies an emotional intimacy with those few posters my S.O. chose to send them to; the pictures don’t exist for the public to view them (as a liberating thing or what have you), they exist only for those she felt close enough to. The emotional aspect would bother me far more than the revealing of her body. Perhaps my impression of pbbth’s choice speaks only to my character and not anything else, but it made me wonder how other people feel about the whole situation.
Instead of interrupting the parade of human flesh, I thought it would be best to create a new thread. How would y’all feel if your S.O. asked to participate in the thread? What if they did so without mentioning it to you? How would you feel if they sent pictures to only a select few, and how would that compare to them asking to send pictures to only a couple of people? Do you think my reaction is strange?
**pbbth **has chosen to send her pictures to only those that will respect her body. I understand where she is coming from. She may not mind being naked on camera, but does not want to get attacked for not looking like Paris Hilton.
It is liberating to post photos of yourself and I only wish I could do it here. But think of her case as a woman thinking of doing topless shots. She may want to try it out to a few friends before she goes out and tries for a Playmate photospread.
Anyway, pbbth, if you are reading this, you have an awesome body and should not be embarrassed to show it off.
If my wife joined the board, which would itself be a feat (as I said in another thread, she doesn’t need the drama), I’d just want to know she’d posted nekkid stuff, just as I’d make sure she knew I was posting nekkid stuff. (I don’t think she’d mind.)
The reason I only sent the photo to a couple of people was mentioned earlier in that thread.
Honestly I really don’t think my boyfriend would care. I’ll ask him about it next time I talk to him and see what he says, but since we are exhibitionists something tells me he doesn’t give a goddamn about who sees my tits as long as he is the only one with any physical access to them. I haven’t mentioned it to him only because I really don’t think about it when he and I are together. If I remember it I’ll be glad to pull up the thread and the picture in question and let him make whatever judgement he chooses, though again I must stress that I really think he would find it amusing at worst otherwise I wouldn’t have done it at all.
Oh, and thanks for the compliment SSG I’m not embarrassed by my body at all but I have been attacked for being heavy in threads where I posted images of myself fully clothed so I really didn’t want to wander into the pit and find threads titled, “Why do fat chicks think they’re sexy?” or other crap aimed at me. I have high self esteem and all but I really don’t need to deal with that kind of thing so I found a happy medium ground.
I would be pretty upset if my S.O. did anything like that, specially without telling me and only a few select people. If they realized their mistake and did their best to make sure the pictures were disposed off i could get over it, otherwise im pretty sure it would be close enough to cheating for me to not be comfortable enough to stay in the relationship.
Anyone’s reaction is going to depend on the relationship in question.
I didn’t participate in that thread for a number of reasons, but one of those reasons is the fact that I know my husband would be uncomfortable with it. I didn’t have to ask him, I just know this because I know him. Exclusivity is important to him. What we have is special and private, and he needs to feel that way.
I don’t think anyone should have to ask permission. Meaning there is nobody who you need permission from to post a nude photo of yourself, but ALSO meaning you probably already know whether your S.O. will like it or not, and it’s on you to respect their feelings about it one way or the other.
Since I’m a little more laid back than my spouse, it really wouldn’t bother me much, but the PMing would get to me a little bit, because it is more personal.
And no, you aren’t crazy for feeling the way you do.
I’d most definitely discuss with my hubby before posting - even if it were a SFW photo. I refer friends and family to this board for the interesting threads I find, and I’m sure if someone had the time or knew a little bit about me they could probably figure out who I was in this sea of people. I don’t want mom seeing the girls! :smack:
I also think my SO would be more hurt if he found it (lurker), and I hadn’t told/asked him. I like my body, and hubby likes it too and sure there’s times we want to go ‘ha!’ look at what we got. If I wanted to show the world my body there’s sites out there I could go do it, and I’d feel fairly safe in my anonymity.
He’d probably be a bit more weirded out if I picked just a few people to send a pic to.
I wouldn’t post in the thread myself (and I said so in the thread) but I’d be okay with an S.O. of mine posting there IF she asked me first. I’m not an exhibitionist nor do I have a desire to be one, but I like exhibitionists if that makes any sense. So my opinion might be different from the norm.
I probably wouldn’t be okay with them giving pictures to a select few here or anywhere on the internet, because I also feel like that is a step towards a level of intimacy that I would be uncomfortable with.
First off, I agree that one doesn’t have to ask for permission. Like it or not, we rarely have to ask permission from anyone to do anything in this world. That’s why I was careful to avoid using the word permission in my OP (not to mention it conjures notions of ownership of a S.O. that I am not entirely comfortable with). When I write about asking to participate, I mean more in the sense of being fully cognizant of your S.O.'s feelings on the matter.
Now to comment on your posts:
I sort of understand your point, but don’t necessarily agree with it. I feel that the NSFW thread could have several positive outcomes, none of which really coincide with sending the photos privately. If a poster was attacked surely it would be denounced and punished rather quickly. If one was truly worried about being treated negatively, they could just opt out of participation. Regarding sending it to a few people before deciding to do a Playmate photo shoot, I am not sure if some relatively anonymous posters on a message board are the best fit for that role.
So you’re of the opinion that there is really no difference between letting your S.O. know and not letting them know?
That sort of follows along with my line of thought. It’s not so much asking for permission as it is letting your S.O. know what is going on (and perhaps seeing how they feel about it). It’d be a little uncaring (IMHO of course) to let them find out from someone else that you had posted nude photographs to a message board. Imagine how confused they would be if Bob from Accounting came by their office and said he saw your S.O. naked on the Straight Dope.
If you have gotten flack for being fat that does somewhat change the situation as it pertains specifically to you. To be honest though, I can’t recall a time you’ve posted your picture and gotten anything but positive reactions. It even happens when you haven’t posted your picture (i.e. SSG Schwartz in this thread). Besides, I have the attitude that haters are going to hate, why let that affect what you are going to do?
I understand that concept completely. It is my attitude on the matter as well (assuming it is an exclusive relationship), but that is why I am confused. If it is no big deal, why not mention it in passing? If I had any desire to post a pic in that thread I would, but due to the nature of it I would be letting my S.O. know first. Seems like a little bit of effort to avoid a whole lot of potential hassle down the line. Was your thought process to clear people by their posting history or was it an issue of feeling close enough to them to send the pictures? By the way thank you for responding, I hope you know I am not trying to call you out or anything; I am just trying to gain a better understanding on how I and others would feel in this general position.
So, if I understand correctly, you would be completely opposed to the idea of your S.O. posting nude photos at all; regardless of being private or in the thread? I see where you are coming from on the cheating thing, for me personally, it would be a violation of emotional intimacy in a committed relationship unless it was explained in a different, agreeable way.
I agree, the participants in the relationship are the determining factor. There is no real right or wrong here. I really like your perspective, that you should already know how your S.O. would feel on the matter (and in pbbth’s case it sounds like she does); and it’s up to you to prioritize the elements involved. When you say it wouldn’t bother you much, do you mean if you knew or if you didn’t know? Thanks for the reassurance that this alone doesn’t make me crazy. As a complete side note, I have seen it before in your posts and I see it in this one, your relationship with your husband sounds pretty damned special.
Why do you think he would feel that way? How would you feel were the positions reversed?
I agree. I feel if you want to share the photo, share the photo. If you want to share it only with a few people, I’d want to know why that is (and to be honest, I’m having trouble envisioning any solid reasons).
Thanks for your responses, everyone. I’m really just trying to get a better read on my own immediate reaction to this type of scenario, and understand how other people view their relationships.
I already know my husband would be VERY unhappy at me posting naked pictures on the web (even if I were willing to do so, which I’m not.) And I would certainly be less than thrilled at the idea of him doing so. When we married, we gave each other exclusivity when it comes to the body AND the heart. And if I were to send pictures to another man/men directly or he to another woman/women? Definitely cheating. YMarriageMV.
I don’t have to get permission to do anything, but out of courtesy, I asked Z.R. Test if I could post photos. He said, “Of course.” I also asked his opinion on which ones to post, because after all, he’s the art guy. We were both really happy with the response (thanks everyone).
I think it’s all about courtesy and communication. I know he’s not comfortable with me sending nude photos to individual people, so I don’t do that. I don’t assume something is OK just because another similar thing is OK. People are people, and stuff close to the line tends to follow emotion rather than logic. (I found that out the hard way by messing up and seeing him hurt, I felt horrible.) In any case, communication is key.
I feel really lucky to have found someone who is OK with my openness in regards to sexuality. (no pun intended)
Sigh. In response to your post, there has been more than one occasion where a few dopers (who shall remain nameless right now) have gone out of their way to point out to me just how fat I am and that they, quite frankly, believe I am either making up the fact that I have a boyfriend or that I have found a special category of man who is only into really, really obese women, yadda yadda. They felt the need to point out that they don’t think I’m sexy and they think that the dopers who have said they find me attractive are lying to keep from hurting my feelings. That kind of shit makes me not want to post a semi-nude photo for everyone to see. Obviously I’m not the only one who has gotten flack for my weight because at least 1 other person in the NSFW thread mentioned the same thing when they gave a reason as to why they weren’t posting. Beyond that I have been attacked for trying to explain my personal brand of exhibitionism in a thread about exhibitionists. There are some people here who are obviously not happy with my lifestyle choices and they feel like they can and should vocalize their feelings on the matter.
As for the reason I haven’t mentioned it to my SO, besides the fact that he is out of town at the moment, it is simply that I don’t think about the dope in my day to day life. When I walk away from the computer I don’t think about message boards and emails or any of that stuff. I generally don’t talk to other people about things I’ve read here. When I turn off the computer I focus on my meat space life and I tuck this stuff into the back of my mind as something amusing I do when I am bored online. I will have to write myself a note to remember to bring this up to him when he gets back into town but, again, he really won’t care, I promise.
I think he would be upset if I posted a general picture simply because then if his mother is googling me for some strange reason or if she just happened into the dope on her own and clicked on a link to find topless pictures of his girlfriend that might be a bit much for her. He has mentioned wanting to avoid that kind of thing before which is why he feels completely comfortable stripping me naked on the back of a bus but he won’t participate in webcam situations. I think he would think it was weird that the thread existed at all but he would not have a problem with 4 people (2 of whom don’t even live in North America) seeing a poorly lit shot of my breasts. I know this about him. Therefore I am fine with the decision I’ve made. I know it is different than most people’s relationships but everybody is different and this works for us. If, for some strange reason, I’m wrong and he does have a problem with it I will apologize and make sure never to participate in that kind of thread again, but I really don’t think he would care at all and since he knows I post here he might have already wandered around a bit and seen what is going on and be fully aware of the situation before I’ve thought to mention it to him. I’m not hiding anything from him and he knows that.
I was hoping this thread would die a quick death because I’m starting to be overwhelmed by the judgement of other people about my choices but apparently I’m not that lucky. I hope that this post has given you enough information that you are better able to understand why I did what I did and why I feel the way I do and maybe we can let the whole thing drop and start some threads on kitties.
If people want to be exhibitionists that’s fine with me.
When I said my husband would be ‘weirded out,’ what I was trying to say is that he’d probably ask ‘why those people?’ Just as I singled him out as my husband, he’d want to discuss why I singled out those people. What makes them special to me? It’s just where our relationship is at and how we got here. From learning the hard way, I’ve found (or trying to learn), it’s easier to explain things up front rather than them catch up with you.
