Man and woman date for 4 years, live together for the last two. He loses his job, they are together a lot in the last year, driving each other crazy, fighting a lot (he was supporting her, and now… he’s not). In one of their fights, she drops one of those, “I can’t take this anymore!” and he seizes this opportunity to break it off. She’s not as thrilled with this as he is, but she moves back in with her mother. Within months, she’s dating someone else, and moves in with the new guy soon after.
She sometimes drops in to visit her ex, feeling they are friends. He’s OK with this, not really caring that much either way, as he’s not someone who really has female friends. At this point, he’s out dating again too, but not in a serious relationship. Her new BF doesn’t like her going to see him; she claims he doesn’t “get” her friendship with her ex.
One weekday morning, about 6 months after they broke up, guy wakes up to find his ex in his apartment, cooking him breakfast. While he’s eating it, she tells him she’s engaged and bursts into hysterical tears. She says she found someone sensitive and nice, so she’s going to marry him. He says he’s happy for her, not knowing what else to say. He goes to work, she leaves.
What do YOU think is her agenda here? Care to speculate?
I think her new bf is right to not like her hanging around her ex, since she seems to still love him, isn’t over him, and is possibly insane as well. She needs to get her head on straight and talk to her ex about all the baggage she’s carrying around, and she especially needs to not marry Mr. Rebound.
From what you say, it sounds like she never wanted the breakup in the first place. She tried to deal with it in the best way she could, but might still harbor lingering feelings for the guy who dumped her. She’s found someone who fits the bill of a good and loyal husband, and she knows that logically, he’s the right choice for her. That doesn’t make accepting it in her heart any easier.
Agenda? I don’t see a devious one. I think she’s still in pain, and reaching out to someone she thinks she still loves - maybe quietly begging him to take her back so that she doesn’t have to marry the wrong Mr. Right.
By agenda, I mean just what you say-- do you think she was hoping he’d have a reaction beyond, “Good for you. Thanks for breakfast. I’m off to work, bye!” If someone did this to you, would you think she was making a play to get you back?
What do you think of the guy’s claims that she has no ulterior motive, that she’s just “really emotional”? Is he clueless? Being disingenuous? Something else?
I guess I have a little bit of a prejudice against the word “agenda” in connection with relationships - it always sounds so devious and intentional to me. As does “making a play” - it sounds underhanded and sneaky - the conniving of a scorned woman. What you describe sounds like the confused actions of a hurting woman.
She probably is wondering the same thing as you are. Deep down, yeah, I would bet she was hoping he’d “snap to his senses,” realize that he was about to lose her forever, and sweep her off her feet.
I think his assessment of her having no ulterior motives is spot on. Again, this suggests intentional deception to manipulate him, which I’m not seeing from your original description of things.
However I think that if a woman I used to go out with lets herself into my house and cooks me breakfast that she wants some sort relationship, but she doesn’t know what it is.
Since she doesn’t know what she wants, she can’t really have an agenda…
Nah, Rubystreak is a she – I’m wondering if “he” is her bf, though.
Anyway – agree with what’s being said here. The ex sounds like a loose cannon – so whether it’s clear to her what her motives are or not … the guy needs to start locking his doors.
I will ditto the assertion that she doesn’t have an “agenda.”
Doing the right thing logically is not always the emotionally easiest thing to do. Even when the vast majority of your emotions are on the same track as your logic. It’s the other irrational ones that make us crazy. She is probably still in love with the old guy, even though she knows that there is no future there. You can love, and love won’t care. That doesn’t mean the love goes away, it just means that she is one of those folks that isn’t very good at keeping it in its tiny little box.
Yeah, a part of her was wishing old guy would say “You can’t marry him, I love you.” We have all seen the fairy tails, it is what we are told happens, however, we live in this old world, and we know better.
I doubt there is anything underhanded. Just a fervent, if fleeting belief in faces that can launch a thousand ships, prince charmings, soulmates and one true love.
Wishing just once, the fairy tales could come true.
This is possibly one of the most mixed up things I’ve heard in a while. Dude needs to lock his doors, and female friends or not, she needs to be tossed the fuck out of Dodge.
Sure, I might be overreacting a little bit. I’ll accept that, but why would she come into his place and do these things? It’s almost like th eepisode of Seinfeld where George couldn’t break up with that blonde unless she okayed it. He likened it to firing a missile out of a submarine.
As for an agenda. It’s hard to say. “Agenda”, in these contexts reeks of negative connotations. This situation doesn’t seem kosher.
Sometimes closure comes a bit late and circumstances drive home the point in a very primal way that resonates. I don’t think the woman had an agenda. It is more likely that whatever left-over heartstrings she had about the relationship finally got severed and the finality hit her hard.
For example, a buddy of mine separated. It was not a horrible break-up. The marriage simpy didn’t work. While separated, his soon-to-be-ex wife met someone else, as did he. He asked his new girl to marry him (they are such an amazingly good couple). They only needed to wait until his divorce was finalized.
But when he got his signed divorce papers in hand, he started to cry: “Waaaah! My marriage failed! It’s really over!”
He did NOT want his ex-wife back. The divorce papers meant he could marry his new spouse and he was thrilled and excited about that. However, there was still this huge, lingering emotional cloud that had been hovering over him. At one time, he thought his first wife would be forever. Untill his new girl, it was the single most profound relationship he had ever had: they had lived together, they had been a domestic team, they were family. He had thought his first was was “the one”, but it turns out she was not.
Something about having the divorce papers in hand, brought all of that back to the forefront of his mind. It made the “it’s over” feeling seem huge and fresh again. And he said he felt like a failure.
Luckily his new SO was a good sport about it, she understood that it was the resolution to the last dregs of emotional baggage he was carrying. He is very happy with his new wife, and on amicable terms with his ex.
It’s him, but this incident happened before I met him, so it’s not a threat to me or anything. We just disagree on the interpretation of the incident. I say she wanted him back and was showing it with the breakfast. He says no. Agree to disagree, esp. since she hasn’t shown up again.
Not much, if they’re not locked when the two of you are there together – do you really want to wake up some morning to find some psycho ex standing over the bed with a knife?
I think it’s pretty old news now… this happened like 8 months ago, so I hope she’s gotten her psycho out and that’s that.