Well, I’m a female who tends to cry very easily, and I think the bursting into tears tells you nothing more than that she was worked up something, but its anyone’s guess what that something was. Maybe she didn’t even know what it was, and all explainations here are reasonable.
I think making him breakfast could have been nostalgia for the times that they did live together. My hunch is that she made the visit in the a.m. so that fiance wouldn’t notice, and when she got there started making breakfast, to keep busy while guy was asleep. Is this the same apartment that they used to live in as a couple? If so, then I think letting herself in is a little less weird, but you could disagree with me on that.
If I had to make a bet, though, I would say that she didn’t want to hear “I love you, lets get back together”, but she probably wanted to hear something other than “Thats great, I have to go to work, bye”. Like, perhaps, “You seem upset, do you wanna talk about it later?” Given that she kept in touch, she probably saw him as someone she could talk to about things. I mean, they were together for 4 years.
Depends on how high the craziness factor is. If she`s really manipulative, it could be that there is no engagement at all, and that she’s saying this in a desperate attempt to make him jealous and ask her back.
If she’s not manipulative, it could be that she hooked up with the other guy ‘on the rebound’, but still has feelings for the old boyfriend, and she’s just horribly conflicted.
In either case, the guy seriously needs to learn to not only lock his doors, but to let an ex-girlfriend know that she no longer has the right to walk into his apartment unannounced. That’s horribly inappropriate.
I don’t know, getting up early and going to someone’s home uninvited to cook them breakfast sounds fishy to me. Who the heck gets up early if they don’t have to?
She’s barking up the wrong tree if she thinks he’s going to ask her to talk about her feelings. He is just not into that. He’ll talk, but he’s not an emoter. At ALL. In fact, one of the things she said to him, amidst the weeping, was that her fiance was a sensitive guy who cared about all her little feelings, unlike her ex, who was more of a guy’s guy.
His reaction was, ummm. Yeah, good luck with that. It was nice to have a hot breakfast. See ya. She couldn’t possibly have truly expected much else, though maybe this was a test, her last shot at seeing if he could ever offer her some sort of big emotional outreach. He didn’t. She hasn’t been back. Which is good, because if this happened when we were dating, I’d be a bit put out.
I’d say about the same agenda I had in roughly the same situation.. She obviously cares a great deal about her ex. If she regards her ex like an older brother, she would want his approval for her marriage, because she does not want to lose him as a friend/substitute family member. While at the same time she is very nervous about telling him, feeling he might disapprove, because she has finalized “replacing” him as a lover, and will he still care about her then?
Those feelings explain why she wanted to put him in a good mood, making breakfast. It also explains her tears when she was telling him. She feels she *has *to tell him (she wants to be honest and she figures he should hear it from her first) but she is afraid she’ll hurt him and afraid he will lash out, afraid he will no longer be her friend.
Nah, it just sounded like the plot complications for a Meg Ryan type movie to me, is all.
That’s an understatement for me. If an ex-girlfriend showed up in my boyfriend’s house, cooking him breakfast and crying about her upcoming marriage to him, we would be having a long, serious talk about appropriate behaviour and boundaries, after he changed the locks.
Maybe she realized it was a little bit fast after they broke up that she was engaged to someone else and was sort of apologizing? I guess that’s possible.
I can tell you, she had no reason to worry about him being hurt or lashing out. He said he was over her for about 6 months before they broke up, and it was his idea that she get out. As for lashing out, we’re talking about the most even-tempered, laid back guy ever. I don’t think she feared his wrath; he has none towards anyone, really. He says he met her declaration with indifference, with a mild “good for you” thrown in. I’m sure she was disappointed with that.
They haven’t spoken since this incident, so I’m not sure what that means. Maybe she was hurt that he didn’t care she was getting married?
If it happened when we were together, I’d have an issue with it, for sure. As it stands, it’s not a problem because she seems to be out of the picture now. Her fiance won’t “allow” her to see him anymore, probably because she told him about the Psycho Breakfast Incident. I feel sorry for him; sounds like they have a groovy marriage ahead of them.
I do wonder, though, if we’ve heard the last of her. I feel safe enough, though, because if he wanted her back, he certainly had his chance and passed it up.
I am guessing she has no real agenda. Sounds like she just doesn’t know what she wants. He needs to get the habit of locking that door and start considering a restraining order if she insists. She sounds pretty unstable.
Yeah, but really, who in the fuck is going to say this? I know I’d never say that in the morning, waking up and seeing your ex making you breaskfast. The closest I’d get to this is “Are you okay?” with the connotation that I think she’s fucking crazy.
Showed him this thread, and he said he really, really thinks it was guilt now. She thought he would think it was too soon and didn’t want him to feel bad about it. I thnk she was projecting, though, because the idea that he would be upset, knowing him, is silly.
I think swallowed my cellphone, despite being gustatorily challenged, has it right. The woman was saying goodbye in her own, schizy, age-inappropriate way (no offense rubystreak. I’m just saying you seem older than 20). She got herself worked up, and did somehting wierd. The bf did the right thing by expressing his kind thoughts and not encouraging her. She’s probably pretty embarassed about it now.
I guess she knew that as well, she wouldn’t have told him if she would have been really worried of him lashing out. But for some people, even a hurt look or a sarcastic remark is bad enough. She might even have been afraid he would not reassure her when he always had reassured her before. Overemotional? A bit flakey? Sure. But that sounds like her (and a bit like me, as well).
If she’s anything like me, she is relieved she told her ex. She will now free to concentrate on her fiance again. She might feel a bit ashamed of the scene she caused. My guess is she will probably not show up again anytime soon.
I really don’t think you have anything to worry about, Rubystreak. The whole scene sounds like her way of saying goodbye-on-good-terms to her ex, and that will give closure to both of them. She might need the closure far more then your friend, but he (and by default, you) will benefit from his ex feeling she got to say her goodbye.
These things take time and a year doesn’t sound that unreasonable. Good for your friend to have her let her say. If ever, god forbid, you and your two break up again, you now know he will care about the feelings of all people involved, and that is a very, very good thing, for it ensures the break-up won’t turn into a drama. At the very least, that will save you heartache and lawyercosts.
Rubystreak, you seem determined to dislike this girl. Okay, that’s very understandable. Five years ago, I was the flaky ex. I had had a two year long distance realtionship with a guy, " Roger". Our break-up just had gone too soon, and as we didn’t live together at the time, I just hadn’t had the time to talk it all out with him. His ex allowed him to talk to me on the phone for maybe a dozen times on a four-month-period. I had the greatest respect for her doing that, and I asked Roger to tell her that I thought so.
She wasn’t a doormat; for instance, she got annoyed if Roger got in to long phoneconversations with other female friends (he wasn’t a player, just a guy with a lot of female friends). But she made an exception for when I called. I have always been grateful for her maganimity and selfconfidence. Roger and I remained just friends (I talk to him a couple times a year). And whenever he bitched to me about her on the phone, I have carefully chosen her side as well.
I don’t see why one should not remain good friends with an ex. I certainly did.
It sounds as if she was bursting to tell him the good news, did not want to do it on the 'phone, and when she got into his home, she was back on old territory. The guy is fortunate that she cooked breakfast rather than got out the vacuum cleaner.
My guess is that they really broke up because she wanted to go into wife and kids mode and he did not.
I consider disliking an ex after a breakup is a sign of really bad selection in the first place.
The thing he, he didn’t care. She was afraid, apparently, that he would think she cheated on him because she was living with an engaged to someone else within 3 months of moving out with him. She wanted him to know that she was faithful, but happened to find someone MUCH better than him VERY quickly. His reaction was, OK, good for you. He believed her claims of fidelity and wished her well on her marriage. Maybe her tears were those of relief, I don’t know.
I don’t know her. I don’t need to know her. I wrote this thread to get help sussing out her motives, since my BF thought it was nothing. I realize now that she probably didn’t want him back, she just felt guilty and trashy for rebounding so fast and didn’t want him to think she did something skanky, like cheat, or line up another boyfriend while they were together. That’s cool.
But if she shows up and makes him breakfast again, he’s getting a deadbolt on his door and that’s it.
