Is cybering cheating?

In My Humble Opinion
61

I think that as long as he can get what he wants out of the relationship he has absolutely no reason to change. If anything, he will put the blame on you and you alone for all problems.

People who care about each other try to resolve things and work them out. But it really appears like a one-way relationship here. I get the feeling he does the minimum to keep the relationship going.

I think you have already answered your own question about what you should do. Life is too short to settle for this sort of thing.

62

It could be cheating if a) You wouldn’t do it in front of your partner b) it takes away something you would usually give your partner.

Lady, I feel for you cause I once started a topic like this a long time ago & there have been a few topics about it since then. So maybe you should have searched & read those, instead of having to defend yourself. But you can always find them with the search engine, not surprising, they should show up under a search for 'cheating".

63

LadyG,

First, I am sorry you are in the place you are at right now. It is never pleasent to think about ending a relationship.

Next, the responses from the rest of the board members seems to have made you think that us board members have a negative view of you. We don’t. It’s just, from the outside looking in, it seems more straight forward to us than from your point of view. So the straight forward responses like “Dump the loser” are very simple compared to what you are feeling.

At the same time, it seems that this guy doesn’t care about your feelings at all. You say he has some good points, and I’ll believe that, but the bad points aren’t going to change. The biggest bad point seems to be, to me at least, that he won’t change behavior that he knows is hurtful to you. If he won’t change that he will just get worse.
His taste in porn is, in itself, very scary. I am a male and I like porn. I am picky about it. I like M-G, and if I feel really kinky, G-G or maybe G-M-G stuff. I think I am pretty normal when it comes to porn. But when people get into rape-beastiality(SP?) stuff that sends up big warning flags. Especially the rape stuff. Rape isn’t about sex, it’s about power. I am not a shrink but anyone who thinks rape is a turn on is someone who needs to be watched.

I am also worried about your statement that he has provided for you well. The reason it worries me is that it sounds like he is the type of guy who expects something for money. I want to be really clear about this. The are some guys who think that if they give money, buy dinner or whatever for a woman that the woman must have sex or whatever. He sounds like a guy who believes this. You sound like a woman who knows better.

In other words, it seems to me that you are in a place I and many others have been in. You dated-fell for someone who has a dark side and you just found out about. My sisters did that. They married the guys before they found out. I dated two girls and almost married one girl before I found out their flaws. Hell, LadyG, I lived with a woman for two years and never realized she was a drug addict. She screwed me over for two years and I didn’t see it until later. I tried and tried to ‘fix’ things but the only person you can fix is yourself.

Slee

64

After all his threats of posting his side here looks like hes a bit chicken (hopefully ashamed) to post…:wally

with each day comes a healing…thank you all for your opions they help to strenghten…
Lady G

65

Has he admited he was wrong? has he apologized for LYING and CHEATING on you repeadtedly? has he understood that “its not cheating unless i get caught” is just a pile of bs? If any of those answers is no then i don’t see how you could consider giving him another chance. If he still thinks he has done no wrong then nothing is going to change.

66

the following is what was written to me by my “SO” called boyfriend AFTER I once again caught him…via spy PC everyday sense I found out he was cheating… this what he said when I confronted him with the truth…((by the way he refuses to come to this thread) whats you take on this?
oh forgive me…you get enough of these kind ALREADY in YOUR email don’t you?( he sent a pic of a male nude penis)

but THAT’S different isn’t it from me? HYPOCRITE

Did you think this would be an apologetic letter? Not THIS time cucumber head…THIS time

I did NOT do something wrong…YOU did…I was good and my ONLY problem was I lied about changing my password ( he changed his password to his messenger that he cybered on nd also his email accouts after I caught him cheating with his cyber girfriend via the spy PC I installed)and as it turns out YOU had the new one anyway due to your spying…I had an excellent reason for lying…I HATE HATE HATE you spying on me!

I’m trying to be good and you are doing everything but hook up video cameras in the apartment to watch me 24/7…earlier I screwed up and apologised profusely…I was wrong and acknowledged it contritely

YOU on the other hand do whatever you feel like and say if I don’t like it …tough titty buddy

Every complaint you had about me was totally wrong wasn’t? I was NOT cybering…I was NOT
even TALKING to other women…I DID go to some porno sites but you knew and while you don’t like it pretty much acepted that…at least until you come home( I have never excepted it)

Even those adult emails I get are mostly gone by tonight…not because of you but because they were crap and even if you had NEVER found out about them I would of gotten rid of them just like I always do…some are good and some are bad…I got rid of the bad ones

By the way like I told you…I am NOT on them ALL the time.( everyday, everytime he is on the PC)…mostly click on them in email then AFTER I do whatever I’m doing AND I have time THEN I go look…that’s why they show for so long…even you cannot think I’d be whackin’ off THAT long…my pecker would be 2 inches by now and a bloody stump

By the way I think I know what omittrd@hotmail.com means…want to know?..when I was setting up my new yahoo identity I had to fill out a form…most of it was made up …for instance my name there is xxxxx…but when it came to the state I automatically put xxxx…then the next box was my email address xxx@hotmail.com … get it?..your spyware keeps track of keystokes and I had typed xxxx@hotmail.com …I really wondered about that one myself… I couldn’t put my earthlink address because they might be able to check and I’m banned there!

Let’s see what other accusations did you level at me?..oh yeah the chick who supposedly talked to me in my email…( he got an email on a reply from a porn site he emailed to this girl).hopefully the two emails I sent showed you how ridiculous that one was…hmmm…oo oo the babe from hearts today…He was talkng to her on the side…FLIRTING!!)…this one was probably the stupidest charge when I said I wished she had gotten the queen…well duh!..if she had I would of won numbskull and isn’t that kind of the idea?..winning?..especially me?

If you had any sense you’d realise that the spyware you put in my computer caused more trouble than help…the ONLY bad thing I’ve done while you were gone you found out about by other means

I’ve deliberately stayed online because I was really really mad at YOU…and I was afraid I’d say things that I’d regret…unlike YOU I try to think before I speak and not blurt out the first thing that comes to mind…fortunately YOU can do that because you are talking to ME…but I’m talking to YOU and have to be careful of what I say or you ‘take offence’… that’s putting it mildly

NOT A SINGLE THING I TOLD YOU TODAY EXCEPT FOR THE PASSWORD THING AND I TOLD YOU WHY I DID THAT WAS A LIE…AND IT DIDN’T MATTER…I know you are going to read this letter and instead of taking what I said at face value you will find some way of making my letter seem as though I think you are stupid and say I’m shitting on you or the slave thing…
that i have no control over… just myself…and isn’t about time you made an attempt to control YOURSELF?..instead of making baseless accusations…if you check out everything I said you will see what I’ve written is true…this letter would not be even neccessary if you only had read my words on the messenger today instead of just saying I was a fucker over and over again

Constance I DO love you but there are times when you make it incredibly difficult

his name deleted ( why becouse if hes to chicken to post here …why th hell embarress him again…but I can guarentee he will read this)

so guys whats your take on this???

Lady G

ps perhaps after he reads rthis here he will post??..nawwwwwwwwwwww!

67

It hardly matters anymore who said what to whom, or what he can make an argument to justify.

The reality is that the two of you have very different views of what’s acceptable in a relationship.

RT’s Short List for romantic viability - what you need, going in, to have a snowball’s chance of making it work:
**

  1. Mutual trust and respect.
  2. Shared values/goals/worldview.
  3. Enjoyment of each other’s company.**

You don’t trust each other, and you don’t see things the same way. There ain’t nothin’ here to save.

68

OMFG Where do you start on a train wreck like this?

Guy sounds like a lying dirtbag period. He is still opening new accounts and skulking around on the computer and blames you for not being there for him–or words to that effect. The fact that he visits sites that feature beastiality and violent rape makes my stomach revolve. But I am open minded about these things. Perhaps he is merely curious and just wanted to peek but if he frequents these sites it suggests he derives some satisfaction from them. I believe that most things between two consenting adults are OK but I draw the line at clearly unnatural acts. I’m sorry if I offend any other beast-rapers out there. Deal with it.

He’s been caught and continues to blame you for catching him.

Neither of you seem to trust the other anymore and nothing is being done to regain each other’s trust.

It seems that there is a lot of soul searching and honest communication that needs to take place before either of you can move on. Either find what’s worth salvaging in the relationship and focus on that or make a clean break. Whatever it is has to be mutual.

If there are a couple of things I have learned in my life they are—

  1. Every behavior has a reason. It is up to you to figure out what that reason is.

  2. You can not change another person’s behavior, you can only change how you react to it.

Good luck, you will need it.

69

I’m curious, LADYg, if you’ve ever had a good relationship to compare this one to (I don’t mean that in a mean way). I’ve had bad relationships, and I’ve had borderline relationships, but I never had a good one until I met Jim. Now I know what a good one is supposed to be like, and I would never tolerate the crap that I used to put up with again. I wish I hadn’t wasted three years of my time on a relationship that was similar to yours in that it wasn’t good, but it wasn’t obviously bad enough to get rid of.

I understand what you’re saying about figuring out when to call it quits in a relationship; that can be very difficult in a borderline relationship. I put up with a guy who basically had no time for me for three years; I reached a point where I had enough, I ended the relationship, and I’ve never looked back. I guess you’ll know when enough is enough, and you’ll do the same. Maybe you could try a trial separation from him, and see if it feels better to have him out of your life than in it.

70

Actually, considering the number of guys who have managed to figure out without prompting that this relationship is royally screwed up, I think you missed the degree to which it is OBVIOUSLY “bad enough to get rid of.” :wink:

71

Dropzone, I was trying to approach this from LADYG’s point of view, and it doesn’t seem to be bad enough for her to run screaming from this relationship like I would want to (I mean, seriously, rape porn?!? Ai-yah!).

72

I think it is bad enough for her to run screaming! He’s broken her trust repeatedly, not tried in anyway to regain that trust, lied to her, tried to blame her for his hurtful actions, and has no intention of stopping what he’s doing even though he knows how much it hurts her. He’s also creating new e-mail accounts and yahoo ids and changing passwords hoping that she won’t find out about it. If you have to hide something from the one you supposedly love then obviously what you’re doing is wrong. He doesn’t see it that way. What else is he going to have to do to prove that he’s a lying, cheating, controlling asshole? Dump him. Life’s too short to waste it on assholes who don’t care about or respect your feelings.

73

Once again, I was speaking from what I believed to be LADYG’s point of view from what she said in an earlier post (three posts up from here) where she was debating what to do about this lout. I personally think her boyfriend’s behaviour is appalling.

74

I believe in systemic theory, so I believe that it’s not about one person or the other, but the sytem they have created.

I think he’s made it pretty clear that he views this as strictly YOUR problem that YOU have to deal with and does not look at his own contribution.

I remember an analogy made that you don’t have to have the jigsaw puzzle completed to know what the picture looks like.

Good luck and keep us posted.

75

You all are right and yes he continues to hide everything he does I am now away from him and its so laughable that everyday I find out something new…hes becoming bolder and bolder…you know I think he is really trying to break us up and believe me when I say this…he has succeeded in this becouse I have NOT returned to him…although we do speak as you see…but…the hurt that was there is turning into hate…in reply to the post have I ever had a good relationship?..yes I have…but at the time I was young and the time was not right for me…to commit…now in this time of my life I have no time for jerks, idiots, selfcentered egotistical men ( hope I spelled that right)…:wally

Am I mad at this moment??..Damn you had better believe it …but its not so much on the fact of the cheating or his addicted behavor towards porno sites.anymore .its the fact he thinks I am so STUPID!!! to except this kind of behavior!!Believe me I tell him pretty muh straight on out what I think about him.( I have said exsactly what most of you have said…and in those words as well)…but for some ungodly reason it does not seem to sink in his head that I really hate him for behaving this way…its as if hes inhuman to any moral behavior…void of all human emotion…I have never met any man like this…he have fork tounge!!..( indian talk)…speaks out of both sides of his mouth…ok so here I am alone again still trying to deal with this…I could think of a hundred ways…but…I am nonviolent! …Lucky For Him!!..man oh man the images I have in my head on what I would like to do to him…:wally

Another day passes and a little easier to deal with…thanks for all your imput…oh by the way I do have my personal belongings at our apt…plus my cat and dog…so weither I like it or not I will have to go back and meet face to face with him to get my stuff…I dread that day…I still want to believe that there is some good in him but everything he’sdoing and showing me is that really he is not in love with nor respects me…
Lady G

76

I came in late, but I have one thing to add here.

If anyone EVER sent me an e-mail that was half as vindictive, savage, and viciously accusatory as that one that he sent you, that would be the last they’d hear from me ever. Even if that person had a legitimate gripe of some kind against me, to let oneself crumble into that kind of lizard-brain behavior (well, OK, speech) is totally unacceptable. Especially in a medium like e-mail, where he had time to look at it, back up, and rephrase.

Re-read that e-mail and ask yourself if you could ever let the hands that typed that bile touch you again.

Good luck.

77

When you go get your pets and your stuff:

Take Mom.

Or take somebody. Anybody. Don’t go alone.

78

Actually, that’s not true. California has “no-fault” divorce. You don’t need a cause to get a divorce in California.

To the o.p. - Dump that zero and get yourself a hero. (Oh, looking at your last post, it looks like you already did. Good for you.)

79

I agree with this completely. I made the mistake of going back alone for my stuff, and was not allowed to leave until he fell asleep (and I had absolutely no idea that this guy would react this way to my leaving him). This is called “forcible confinement”, and it is against the law. When I went back for the next load, I took the police with me. We may be overreacting, and he may not be this big a loser, but trust me when I say it is better to take someone with you and not need them than to need them and not have them there with you.

80

Did you guys lease this apartment together or was it yours to begin with and he just moved in or vice versa? If it was yours to begin with I’d kick his ass out instead of you having to move. Just MHO. But definitely take someone with you when you go back!