Is he, in fact... Just Not That Into Me?

Ha! I love the way you make us sound like some kind of bad-news gang. I’ll have a hard time getting rid of theater folk, considering that I spend, on average, more time in the theater than I do eating, sleeping, and studying for my non-theater classes combined. That’s all right, though – I like people who know what I’m talking about, and I like to think I’m level-headed enough to balance out any medium-to-low drama queens and pitch anyone higher than that out on their ears.

But news from the front!

Tonight I went to the movies with a group of friends (including Young Gentleman #2, who was quite attentive), and got home to find out that Gentleman #1 had called twice and left messages along the lines of “Hey, how are you, just checking in, how’s life treating you?”

I called him all ready to bristle at him for calling late on a Sunday after a month of intermittence-at-best, but then I figured, hey! Life’s too short to be mad at handsome post-breakup literate guys. So we spent two hours talking about what one talks about when one’s on the phone for two hours after midnight: did-you-hear-they’re-making-a-new-Indiana-Jones, how’s-your-library-job-going, what-do-you-think-Da-Vinci-Code-would-have-been-like-if-Tom-Robbins-wrote-it, and related.

“So,” he said, a little coyly, “how’s your love life?”

“Oh, intermittent,” I said. “A few prospects, you know how it is.”

“Really?” he said. “Do tell.”

“Well, this one,” I said, “I had a great weekend with him about a month ago, but since then I haven’t seen much of him at all. He keeps saying he’ll call and then doesn’t, which is a little off-putting.”

“Yeah,” he said. “I’ve just-- I’ve been so busy. Crazy busy. Two weeks of sixteen-hour days busy.”

“Please,” I said.

“Well-- oh, well,” he said. “But this guy, right! What’s he like?”

“Oh, tall, darkly handsome, a scenic designer who works at the local regional theater,” I said, dropping my voice.

“I’m really the only one?” he said. “Woo-hoo!”

“Not at all!” I said. “There’s another kid who I think is quite interested in me. He bought my movie ticket tonight!” [<— this was of course a transparent ploy to make him jealous, but really, if he’s going to take the “you never caaaa-aaaaall!” without a more sincere apology, you get what’s coming.]

“Damn,” he said. “I’m going to have to kill him.”

A little later, the subject of Former Live-In Long-Term Relationship Girlfriend came up.

“And how’s that going?” I asked.

“Some days-- some days,” he said, “you just have to, you know, lock yourself in the house with a pizza and some beer so you don’t go out and punch pedestrians at random, and some days you don’t-- I don’t feel like it’s fair to you to be unloading it on you.”

“Well, I’ll listen if you’d like to,” I said.

“Nah, I’m okay,” he said. “So how’s the newspaper going?” Switching subjects quickly, I took the cue and went on about my co-editors. Former Live-In Long-Term Relationship Girl didn’t come up again.
So, it seems to me like he’s interested, I don’t know whether or not to trust him on the “I’m busy” card (although it is a busy time of year at the theaters, with the summer shows opening in a few weeks), and the ex-girlfriend is clearly still giving him problems.

I can’t decide if he’s genuinely conflicted about the ex and/or genuinely busy at work (surely he could call, even if just on a break?), or if he’s just stringing me along a bit to have someone to spend time with. Does the SDMB Male Psyche Contigent have any perspective to offer?

(also, thanks for being my, what, LiveJournal substitute? The best dating advice I’ve ever gotten has been off the SDMB, from other people’s threads as well as my own, and I really appreciate all the voices of experience who are willing to chime in to help a young kid out. :))

On cue: “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do”, brought to you by the friendly folks at the local radio station…

Heck, my ex-bf was still worried I’d get pissed when he started dating a common friend - five years later!

The only thing that’s simple about guys is that food makes them happy :stuck_out_tongue: Which food is a different part of the equation.

Yep. He so isn’t ready for another relationship. Go with #2. He can be good looking and intelligent all day everyday. But if he isn’t ready, he just isn’t.

Yep, and if you do want to know, why conceal it? Why not be honest, open and clear about what you think and feel… after all, you want him to be. Hence this thread.

Communication is a two-way street. If you want to receive clear signals, you have to send clear signals. Otherwise, you’re not really communicating.

And ‘Duh’ to you too.

Honestly, this guy seems like too much work. That might just be my 39 year old, tired perspective talking, but a relationship between two people who are interested in each other and want to be together shouldn’t be this difficult until at least the fourth year of marriage. :wink:

Other, not particularly solicited dating advice - do ask guys out, and don’t play the sexual history game. Unless you’ve got an STD that needs to be worked with, people’s pasts are nobody’s business but their own.

Well, it’s good that you finally, you know, talked a little.

My advice, though, would be this:

  1. Text messages are a convenient way to flirt a bit without actually having to interact (even more so than IM). It can be fun, but is a pretty risky way of expressing/extrapolating anything meaningful.

  2. Flirting is fun, but (and I’m sure you know this) as one theatre person to another, we tend to be a flirty bunch, wouldn’t you say? That kind of talk is cheap, IMHO. It seems that even the recent conversation you’ve related contains a bit of flirty back and forth, and then a sort of “whatever, my life’s a pain” obtuse response from him, and then subject change. And, that he’s sort of a prospect of yours, about which he’s kinda happy, but he hasn’t even declared in a loose way that you’re a prospect of his. His responses were cutesy, without saying anything at all.

At best he’s maybe unsure about things and doesn’t know how to communicate it. My guess is, though, that he’s not truly into you, but likes having someone who’s into him, particularly as he’s just ended a relationship. Text-flirting is easy and non-committal.

A 27 year old guy who doesn’t communicate (and I don’t consider an update on plays this summer via-text communication) with someone he’s interested in starting a relationship with for a month probably isn’t truly interested at all.

[QUOTE=Eonwe]
My guess is, though, that he’s not truly into you, but likes having someone who’s into him, particularly as he’s just ended a relationship. Text-flirting is easy and non-committal.

[QUOTE]

I think this is exactly what’s going on. He’s not into you and at best, you’re an ego boost for him. Having a cute young thing interested is just what his ego needs right about now, it appears, and he’s doing what he can to make sure you stay interested, even though the feelings aren’t mutual.

I’ve dealt with his type before. This is the absolute most you’re going to get out of him, so unless you’re satisfied with just this, I’d say quit returning his calls, already!

A-ha. I realize that I have forgotten to mention what some might consider a Very Important Point: when the school term is over (that is, in three weeks), I’m moving out of town for seven months (summer job + study-abroad fall term). In other words, I’m really not looking for anything more than somebody to go see stupid summer movies with and maybe do some light snogging before I leave. If I were looking for anything long-term, I’d be all over Guy #2 like nori on rice, but I don’t want to start up anything serious before jetting off for so long.

These are all excellent points, as is the rest of your post. Christmas last year, when my extended family gathers for the two weeks of holiday season, my aunt asked what I was majoring in. “Oh, well,” she said when I told her, “I guess you dated a lot in high school.” Dating in the department is the punch line to a lot of jokes. :stuck_out_tongue:

What with it being such a short time until I skidoo out of town, I think I’m going to stick with Guy #1. I don’t want a relationship, he doesn’t want a relationship, I need to feel attractive, he needs to feel attractive, I just want to have a few weeks of fun without entangling myself in something I can’t cut off when I leave.

Being young is great!

So, how does it feel when you answered your own question in this manner?

Yeesh, a gal whose name is Tracy Lord who’s only down for some sex before she skips town? Oh, just stop being a pain and go pounce on whatever. Pounce #1, pounce #2…it really doesn’t matter at this point, you know.

No matter what, this stuff is going to be very very short term. Treat it as such. They’re disposable relationships until further notice.

this is where some gal comes in and chides me for saying it, too

And yes, you theater types are bad news, baby. Bad seeds…the worst seeds, even!

Well, I knew where I stood, it was just a question of him. :wink:

(I tried to point it out lightly before, but Tracy Lord is a character in the 1940 Philip Barry play “The Philadelphia Story”. I believe the young lady you’re thinking of is Traci Lords.)

Gee, your initial post certainly didn’t make it sound like you were pondering whether to bonk or not and getting some casual relationshipping in before heading off for a while.
I guess theatre majors really are drama queens? or do you have some self-esteem issues and need to have someone fawning after you at all occassions?
The people who responded to this thread took you seriously!
If you can’t decide which one to screw - I’d go for the one with the nicest arse and thighs, but that’s just me.
Also, in my experience, most men will do anything rather than tell you that they don’t want to date you anymore.

I know, but it’s certainly close enough.

I’m too young to know who she is. So are you. Let’s just gloss over these simple details, shall we?

Sounds like a great guy; really the type to get involved with. If you decide you don’t want him, could I give you my number to give to him?

:smiley: Featherlou, get out of my head. That’s exactly what I was going to say.

To lose one fiancé, Miss Lord, may be regarded as a misfortune,…

I’m not a player — I’ve been married for several of years, currently going through a divorce, not thinking about dating at all — but I do know a number of them. And what it sounds like to me, based on your stories here, is that the guy has somebody he’s working on, somebody who’s a higher priority than you and that he will choose over you if he wins her over but regarding whom he hasn’t yet gotten a definitive result, and he’s therefore keeping you on the hook as a backup plan depending on how his first choice works out. He doesn’t want to commit to you either way yet; he doesn’t want to say yes to you and then have to dump you if his first choice works out, and he doesn’t want to say no to you in case that first choice falls through.

That may or may not be what’s going on, but it certainly fits the pattern. “Keep the girl close enough to capitalize on, but not so close that it risks getting awkward.” Not every man does this, but enough do that the signs are recognizable. (It goes without saying that some women do the same thing.)

Oh, and on the question of realizing that one has been dumped when the calls stop coming, and why men don’t just come out and say what they want: In my experience, a man who does this doesn’t want to hurt the woman’s feelings by flat-out saying “I don’t want you,” so he avoids the conversation entirely, not realizing that a horrible ten-minute conversation followed by two or three days of agony is preferable to several weeks of “what the fuck is going on.” I’m in my mid thirties, and it took me a distressingly long time to figure it out myself.

From your two hour phone conversation, maybe he thinks you’re just interested in a relationship/communication. Maybe he doesn’t know that you’d be interested in some short-term “light-snogging” and would go for it if he did.

Having seen you in person (at the Serenity screening, even though I didn’t know it was you at the time), and having since seen your pictures, and having read your posts here on the SDMB… if he’s not into you, there’s something seriously wrong with the boy. :slight_smile:

Seriously, it does sound like he’s still thinking too much about his ex for him to be considered to be fully “back on the market”. Not your fault, or even his- the timing’s just not right.

And please, PLEASE, don’t take the “don’t ask men out” advice. Men can be clueless, and your odds of getting the one you want are seriously diminished if you don’t do some of the asking.

Firstly, let me make it perfectly clear that no bonking on any front will occur.

I’ve certainly re-evaluated what I want (or what I think is feasible), based on the gentleman’s actions, advice here and advice from my friends at university, but I don’t think I ever implied I was in the market for a long-term relationship and I’m sorry if my posts came off that way. Clearly, even with third parties, clarity of intent is tricky! :slight_smile:

Not quite close enough. And I am try to gloss, if not gloss over. (“Too young?” To know which? :confused: )

I never change, except in my affections.

Thaaaaaaat makes a lot of sense. I mean, “so that’s the way it is” sense, not “oh, that’s reasonable” sense.

The Other Other Woman theory – I feel (and I could be totally wrong about this, of course) like it’s more of a getting-over-the-ex issue than it is playing-two-women-at-once. I mean, maaaaaybe he is that quick on the take-up, but my impression was that I sort of took him by surprise in asking him out to dinner and he wasn’t looking for another entanglement to jump feet-first into.

If I didn’t know he was fresh out of a break-up, though, I’d be right with you there. I know enough women who do the same thing, as you mentioned.

N’awwwww, you! blush After the Serenity screening, I’m now afraid that every guy I date is going to have to measure up to my memories of Guy Dressed Like Jayne. :wink:

I think you’re right in that the timing is just off. I really do like him as a friend and a, you know, person (moreso before the “I’ll call you!”/“No, I won’t” issue came into play), and I’ve entertained thoughts about what might happen when I get back in January, but I don’t want to invest too heavily in hypotheticals and break my own heart when it doesn’t pan out. Of course I’m protecting myself by not getting too emotionally involved, but I don’t see that seriously attaching myself would do any good, so.

And never you worry – I always tell myself I’m going to wait for them to come to me, but I’m too impatient to hold out for long!

I think he’s just ego boosting, where he builds himself up on the knowledge that you’re interested, but has no real intention of doing anything about it, for whatever reason. Ditch him and let him hitch his little wagon to someone else’s star. Otherwise he’ll keep in touch enough to keep your interest up, but he won’t follow through. Once you stop chasing it, he’ll either cowboy up or fade away.

I usually cut 'em loose even if they are low maintenance possible booty calls. Just don’t chase anymore, it’s what he wants most and he’ll keep making you run, because few things feed the ego more than pretty girls that chase you instead of the other way around.

(I’m a repeat offender on this one. Especially when I was fresh out of a break up and looking to feel attractive and get cheered up but not find myself involved. I’ve since paid my debt to the fairer sex and reformed my wicked ways.)

(And if you really want to bust his balls, when next he calls and asks how your love life is doing say it’s great because your new boyfriend knows how to work the phone. Click. Ice burn.)