I think the situation is different for everyone. It depends on the relationship and where things are at. I know it was less hurtful when it happened to me.
I had been dating a guy for about three years, when he decided that we could not be together anymore because he thought that he was gay. He was not in a relationship with a man at the time, but he was definately sure that he was gay. It has always made it easier for me because he didn’t reject me as much as my whole gender. He was also able to remain my best friend and I go visit him and his husband (they got married in Massachusetts) every chance I get.
On the other hand. A roommate of mine from college had his father come out after we graduated, and it turned out that he had been having affairs with men for the last 15 years. This was horribly hurtful for the entire family and they felt very betrayed. He had in fact been lying for many many years and had grown children.
It makes a huge difference where you are at. I was hurt for the end of the relationship and a change in my life, because we had talked about getting married, but in some ways it was better because I did not lose my best friend.
In 1970, a 21-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman who he loved very much. Both of them were aware of the fact that he sometimes was attracted to men, but both also truly believed that he was capable of having a healthy relationship with a woman. They went into the marriage with their eyes as wide open as they could have been, given their ages, religious backgrounds, and the society of the time. To say that they had no business getting married is ridiculous: they were in love, and honestly thought it would work. The fact that it did not is very sad, and was painful for everyone, but neither of them deserves all of the blame for the failure.
Life is almost never as simple as “if you’re not sure, don’t do it.” People can be sure and still be wrong; it happens all of the time.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to confuse. I just put that in there because some people do have that fear, and it was not the case with her. She just hated him because he found out he was gay while he was married to her (I guess).
He did try to have time with them, but he tried to be nice about it. Hey, he loved his kids and cared for his ex-wife.
However, she used every trick in the book. She would set up special events on weekends he had the kids so they had to choose between them and him. She would tell to them how horrible she and (in her mind) God felt about homosexuals. She would hold prayer meetings at her house when her children were there directly attacking gays and eventually she moved hundreds of miles away from him. It did not help that he was living in a rural area of the near South, so any legal redress he attempted was at best slow in coming.
That being said, overall she was not this cloven-hooved demon, other than her increasing fundamentalist bent, that (hating gays) was her only nut-case part I ever saw in her. Yes, I know that is bad, but usually she wasn’t.
I know I am not explaining this well, but imagine a wonderful caring person who loved her children, pets, neighbors and community, but became a totally different person whenever her gay ex-husband was mentioned.
Probably worth mentioning that the son and father have become friends and the daughter while still estranged from her father has become a theater professional and has a number of gay friends. I have been to a few of her theater-related parties (things like opening night and closing parties) and I enjoyed the irony.
anyone who doesn’t have their sexuality ‘figured out’ by the time they ask/accept… what? is horrible/should die/must suffer the wrath of the Unicorn?
seriously, I don’t see what you’re getting at. is marriage some magical boundary in psychology from which there is no development or regression?
…which has what bearing on the issue at hand?
why doesn’t it work? of course it isn’t perfect; analogies are not reality, but I think it conveys the point well enough. if you were never interested before, but someday you happen to be in the right mental space and encounter the right combination of sensory stimuli to trip that switch in your brain, you’re saying that can’t happen; they somehow ‘knew’ before? or it can happen, but only to people who haven’t gotten engaged/married? :dubious:
sorry, you’re going to have to do better than dismissing it completely offhand with an arbitrary label. if you don’t agree with what I said, kindly elaborate, rather than saying the equivalent of “I’m not touching it; it smells funny.”
…you’ve entirely missed my point. I’m not saying we are able to overcome non-heterosexual urges; I’m saying society drills it into our skulls that we are. my point was that it is difficult to see past that indoctrination and just be ok with what you are, so when your friends, your pastor, your family, your job, your leaders, etc, are all sending you messages to “fight it,” one can hardly blame someone for attempting to do so. it’s unfortunate that sometimes this fight lasts through adulthood, and children, and marriages, but I think it’s extremely small-minded to deem anyone deserving of any ‘wrath’ because of it.
you present this as though I’ve contradicted myself, but I do not recall arguing for the former.
“here” meaning the fact that many people don’t take their partners for granted?
I’d be willing to put money on the opposite.
An old buddy of mine was ditched by his fiancée, for another girl. He was a little bummed, but not devastated. Just a regular break-up. (He was actually more bummed that he wasn’t invited to the girl-sex anymore, as they’d been a threesome for a little while.)
An ex-boyfriend of mine had been ditched by his girlfriend, for another girl. He was absolutely crushed, and is horribly homophobic (not sure if he was previously, or as a result. I didn’t know him before this all happened, but I suspect he always was.) He perceived it as a major blow to his manhood, or masculinity, or whatever. He was also a complete idiot.
I tend to think that if my boyfriend is into guys, it’s no insult to me that he doesn’t want me. I might be flattered that he felt comfortable enough with me as a person to talk to me about it and be honest. But, if guys are what he wants, I can’t compete with that, in any way. Not as if he ditched me for some tall, blonde bimbo. I just wouldn’t have one of the important qualities he wanted, which is being male. We could still be friends. Hell, I’d love to have a gay guy friend. I think I’d be sad for a little while about the loss of the romantic relationship, but then I’d revel in having such a good friend.
And, I’m assuming that the boyfriend in question had recently come out to himself, rather than deceiving me for years. (Not sure I said that right… if he were trying to live a “straight” life, like you’re “supposed” to do…) If he knew all along that he liked guys, and just led me on, I’d feel used.
I had a boyfriend of 3 years leave me because he slowly realized he was indeed gay (before that he was thinking to himself/ me that he was bi)-- the next person he hooked up with was a guy, and somehow that was tolerable, as it didn’t really feel like competition or something that could even be compared to me. It was actually less painful since it felt like it was something that might have worked except for plumbing. It made me slightly worried about MYSELF, for a bit (well, you did like me . . . did that mean that I’m really masculine?" “No, it means that I found you so likeable that I liked you DESPITE the fact thet you were a girl and fooled myself for a while”-- nice answer). It was a relief to know that the dysfunction we’d eventually had in our sexual relations was a generic concern and not really about ME particularly. After that we got to look at guys together, and I think his current longterm boyfriend is adorable and I’m thrilled that it’s working for them.
However, I was young and resilient and if we’d been married for some time or if I’d invested many years in the relationship, I probably would be very irritated that he hadn’t figured things out earlier and dragged me along.
When my wife left, she was very careful to say that the reason had nothing to do with me; I’d been a good husband. And that was true. I just couldn’t give her what she needed–a female partner. It’s not a rejection of me specifically, and that’s what made it hurt a lot less. Mind you, I’m not saying it didn’t hurt at all; of course it did. You can’t have a 15-year romantic relationship end without some hurt. But because it wasn’t personal–wasn’t because of anything about me–it was a lot less painful than it could have been.
And to those who are saying that they just know how they would feel in this situation, even though it hasn’t ever happened to them, I must respectfully (yes, I mean it) submit that no, you don’t. Trust me. You don’t know how you’re going to feel about a thing like that until the very moment it happens. You may think you do, and of course you have an opinion on the subject, but you’ll never know for sure until it actually happens. Hopefully, it never will.
And the thing of it is, most people, if asked, would probably have an opinion about how they would feel/react in such a situation. They might even be right; that is, if it subsequently happened to them, they might actually feel/react the way they thought they would. But that doesn’t mean they “knew” ahead of time. Especially when it comes (seemingly) out of nowhere.
Well, I obviously can’t say for sure how I’d feel, but I do know my initial thought process would be,
“I’m dating a lesbian? Sweet! That’s hot!”
Then, about five seconds later,
“Oh, wait…a lesbian, not bisexual…crap.”
Honestly, though, I think it might hurt less, because as others have said, they don’t want to not be with me because of anything bad I did, but because I’m a guy. It would probably be easier to stay friends with them, I think, since it’s clear we at the very least enjoy each others compnay (I’m assuming the relationship was going well before my SO comes out.) Hell, at the very least we can talk about girls we think are hot.
