Is it OK that don't want this?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve spent a whole lot of married life wondering if my husband’s behavior is normal, and if it is, is it OK that I don’t want to be married to someone who behaves this way.

He talks to himself.

I don’t mean the “What did I do with the damn car keys?” kind of thing we all do. This is vehement ranting, during which he snarls absolutely poisonous invective with clenched teeth and shaking fists – but sotto voce, so I know he’s doing it, but usually can’t really tell what he’s saying.

Just about anything can set him off, and it is not at all uncommon that we will be sitting at the dinner table, carrying on what seems to be a perfectly innocuous conversation, and he will suddenly bolt from the table, stride into the living room, and I’ll hear him begin to rant. (And he can then walk back into the dining room and resume the previous conversation as though nothing has happened.)

It is almost indescribably weird, and it has been the omnipresent background “music” of our entire relationship. I have been the subject of the ranting on more than one occasion. After the first time, I have never again heard him that I haven’t had at least a fleeting thought of, “Oh, God. What have I done now?”

There are other issues that I think are related. He has been only marginally employed in our 29-year marriage. He spent 9 years working on a Ph.D. before he abandoned it. With every job he’s had, he’s had a honeymoon period followed by intense dissatisfaction, bitching, feelings of persecution, etc. He’s one of those people that doesn’t pick up on social cues, hijacks and then dominates every conversation, and has conception of himself that has no relation to reality. (A couple of months ago, someone he’d just met asked him what he did. He said he was a teacher. The last time he did anything resembling teaching was 15 years ago.)

He was laid off from his last job six years ago. They had to eliminate positions for budget reasons, but I think there was a reason they chose to eliminate his position.

I told him more than a year ago that I wanted a divorce. I started sleeping in the guest bedroom a couple of months before that. And I have since been regularly been awakened in the middle of the night by his ranting. “Goddamn you to hell! I despise…” I have no idea who he’s damning to hell. Could be me, could be George Bush.

The other weird thing is that he needs to hear himself. If the atmosphere is quiet, he whispers all this awful stuff. But if he’s mowing the lawn, he’s shouting to be heard above the mower.

I’m worn out. I’ve gotten beyond walking on eggshells so I could avoid provoking an outburst. I simply don’t want to be married to someone whose is so full of anger.

I haven’t moved forward on the divorce because my husband’s unemployed, 61, has minimal Social Security because of his spotty work history, and my job provides the health benefits. In other words, I feel guilty.

We got married when I was 19, and he’s 13 years older than I. For years it never occurred to me that his behaviour was odd. And maybe it’s not odd. But I can’t take it any more.

2

I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. It might be too late - but have you considered counseling? Would he go? Are you willing, or is it past the point of no return?

I am sure there are others much more knowledgable that I who will offer advice.

I hope you find a solution that works for you. I could not live with that kind of behavior, for what my opinion is worth.

3

Wow. IANA therapist, but it sounds like your husband could use one. I don’t think there is anything normal about his behavior and I am truly amazed that you have stuck it out as long as you have.

In my non-professional opinion, he needs help and he needs it now.

4

It sounds like your husband needs to see a doctor. If you convince him to go, could you print up your post and show it to the doctor?

5

Had you never considered taking him for a psych evaluation? People who don’t behave normally are not normal. He needed help years ago - any reason why it was never pursued?

6

If you were separated, would that affect the health coverage? Is it possible to have a divorced spouse on your health coverage? How much would health coverage cost if he were to get it on his own? Would you be willing to pay that?

If what you’re saying here is true, you’re not moving forward because of a financial reason. I suspect that it’s not the only reason because usually life is more complicated than that. But if the financial reason is the only one, financial issues can normally be solved. It’s the emotional ones that are normally harder.

7

It’s never too late to take action. He really needs to see a professional in my completely non-professional opinion.

Have you ever confronted him about his behavior?

8

It doesn’t sound like his ranting is doing anything but causing the OP problems, so I’m not sure I’d go so far as to say he needs to see a doctor. I can certainly see that someone may have a problem with that behaviour, and perhaps, if he wishes to eliminate it, a doctor of some sort might be in order. If, however, he’s okay with losing the OP over it, then I see no reason that he needs help. It’s not like he’s directly harming anyone with it, and he even appears to regonize that other people might not want to listen to him rant.

No, without more info I can’t jump on the “he needs help” bandwagon.

9

Sounds like a neurological condition such as Tourette’s Syndrome. Very odd!

10

wow, I’m sorry.

I’m a bit odd and get set off my mundane little random occurances that frustrate life, but I don’t curse the existance of the person I love. The other day my girlfriend said she fears when a random annoying occurances will occur in my presence. The moment she said that I knew I had something to work on. From that second onwards I knew I shouldn’t let an innocent everyday annoying occurance bother me. I had to be - for lack of a better word - more Zen.

You have put up with a lot. I am sorry you have had to. Obviously, he needs help; though, the age issue probably prohibits the effectiveness of any assistance. Everybody has issues, but your husband seems to have a greater burden than most. All I can say is I’m sorry. Sounds like you’ve deserved much better.

(That said, I’ve known other couples that have worked, or found methods, through issues what you describe. Honestly, best of luck.)

11

I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this.

Definitely doesn’t sound like normal behavior. If he hasn’t been evaluated before, it wouldn’t hurt for him to be evaluated now.

And, yes, it’s OK not to want this.

GT

12

I have to say it sounds like he is a hairs breadth from raging to himself and turning the full force against others; maybe even you. As for the opinion by Yag Rannavach they say a condition is harmless if a person is able to maintain a fairly normal existence while coping with the condition. He clearly is not functioning normally as demonstrated by the inability to hold a job or to maintain any form of social interaction based on the “hijacks and and then dominates every conversation” statement combined with a delusional self image.
I might suggest an attempt to record such actions by turning on a VCR video cam in another room, perhaps a bookcase and facing away from the room to hide the Record light. With this in hand, seek a professional opinion and do it soon. Rage of this kind is nothing to take lightly.
I wish for you the best of luck.

13

Get thee to a family lawyer[.

14

I wouldn’t really say it sounds like he’s a hair’s breadth from turning that force against others; I can only assume he’s been that way for at least 29 years.

My own opinion is that someone doesn’t need help unless either they want to be rid of some condition, or they are causing harm to another as a result of it. I can add more conditions an’ such to tighten it up a bit, but the important thing is that, in no case, does a person require undesired treatment for a condition that causes harm only to them.

However, the OP is well within their rights to not want to live in such a situation, and fully justified in leaving.

15

I’d suggest leaving, too. It doesn’t have to be a divorce, not yet, but a separation would be damn good for you.

16

You need to take some time and think about which is more important to you.

  1. Staying in an environment that is full of anger.

  2. Leaving that environment, but feeling guilty for doing so after 29 years.

  3. Staying in the environment, but changing your behavior (or reaction to his).

  4. Staying in the environment, but getting him to change HIS behavior.
    I posted about my own marriage problems here and got some good advice. We have gone to counseling. I was only able to get him to go twice, but some things did change. My husband used to yell at me. I looked him in the eye during a calm conversation and said that I would never put up with that again, ever. We love each other and he hasn’t yelled at me since then. The marriage counselor was able to talk with my husband about anger issues, and I hope it helped. He’s a good dad and I know he doesn’t want the kids to grow up (especially our son) thinking that that’s the way to do things.

In the past, I would say ‘Stop yelling at me’ or ‘You’re yelling again’ and it did nothing but get him more pissed off. When we had a really rough time a couple of months ago, it was terrible. I seriously considered leaving - scary, but I don’t deserve to be screamed at, nor should the kids ever hear mom being berated like that. Do you know how humiliating it is to be treated that way in front of your children? Or how confusing it must be for them? They love us both - who is right? Who is wrong? It’s an impossible situation for any child to be in.

I hope my husband and I have put this behind us now. I wasn’t kidding around about leaving. As much as I love him, I need to have some self respect and let the kids know that this behavior isn’t acceptable.

Reading back, I want to stress that I’m no angel, either… none of us are. I try to show respect for my husband and am just asking for the same thing in return. The counselor said something that really resonated with me - ‘Why don’t you just walk away?’ Well, duh! I didn’t know how to answer him. Why didn’t I? I honestly have no idea.

Can you confront your husband, and do you even want to anymore? Can you tell him how you feel, and if he continues this behavior you will leave? At first just to get away from sound of his voice. You are providing an audience. Even if he leaves the dinner table to rail against the injustices of the world, you’re done eating with him for that night. You’re mad as hell, and you aren’t going to take it anymore! (Or something like that).

That’s amazing that he wakes you up at night with his ranting. What do you do? You still work and need your sleep. If that continues, you’ll just have to get your rest somewhere else.

Do you think this is something he can control?

17

Having him see a doctor is a good idea. I used to do something similar, though not nearly as bad as your husband. It was a semi-conscious activity on my part, in that I could control it if I thought about it, but if my mind was elsewhere, I’d just start talking. Eventually, I figured out that I had ADD and that what was going on was that my brain was running so fast it had what would be called in computer terms “buffer overrun” and I’d have to “dump” a portion of my thoughts by talking to myself. Thanks to Strattera I no longer do that. If your husband does have ADD it would explain a good deal of his behaviour and the problems that he’s had. It may not be that at all, of course, and even if it is, it might be too late to save your marriage, but it is something that you might want to look into.

18

IANAD, let me begin with that, but it does sound like your husband might have Tourettes Syndrom. It also sounds like he has more mental issues going on as well. :frowning: I’m sorry, I don’t really know what to suggest other than to echo what others have already said: see if he’ll go to counseling, try to get him to see a doctor. There are meds that can help with Tourettes and maybe meds that could help with his other problems, if you can get him to a doctor. The outbursts of Tourettes are usually (I think) not directed at anyone in particular, btw, so if that is it, he’s not been ranting at you, fwiw.

So sorry for you, I hope that you’ll be able to find a workable solution.

19

To answer your thread title…of course it’s okay that you don’t want this.

I think you should suggest that your husband go to a doctor. His behavior is not normal.

However, it sounds to me like you’ve already told him that this behavior bothers you and needs to change and he doesn’t sound interested in changing it. Therefore, you should not feel guilty about leaving if that’s what you need. Manda JO can better explain why it’s okay to leave a relationship if it is no longer working for you. Manda JO can actually explain a lot of things…I hope she does a vanity search.

If you decide you need to leave, you can either:

get a trial separation, in which case you can probably continue to have your husband as a dependent on your health insurance, or

you can divorce, in which case your husband is probably eligible to continue coverage on his own through your health plan for 36 months via the COBRA.

Don’t let him ruin the rest of your life.

20

But it’s clearly causing mental stress to the OP. I would also say that the two of you should get to a doctor/psychiatrist. tarragon918 mentioned Tourettes, I don’t know anything about that, Tuckerfan mentiond ADD, which is a possibilty, but the sypmtoms seem extreme. I’m going to throw Autism into the mix. I had a coworker that has autism and what you descibe was very much one of the sympoms he displayed. We’d often catch him in the cooler (the big evap fans drowned out the sound) screaming to himself and alot of other odd behaivor. Alot of his issues reared their ugly face during stressful times. Ya know, stressful like if someone said “Jake, someone dropped a bottle of wine, can you grab a mop and clean it up” and then someone else said “Jake, when your done with that can you put some more oranges on the rack” and suddenly he’d turn into the incredible hulk, a really pist off hulk, and start doing things the OP mentioned. Anyways, the reason I’d suggest a doctor is that even if this isn’t bringing your husband any real problems, and even assuming that it NEVER escalates past where it is now, it will at least help YOU to understand what’s going on. One thing we had to learn about Jake, was that he’s different. He reacts to situations differently, he acts differently etc… So if only for the sake of saving your marrige (assume you want to save it). See a doctor, find out what’s going on, and fix the problem. Wheather that means fixing his problem, fixing your problem with his problem (ie understading it, learning how to deal with it etc…) or a combonation of the two.