I think caring too much about what other people think is called “Borderline Personality Disorder.”
I don’t tend too much to care if someone doesn’t seem to like me much, but I will do a little review in my head-- was there any reason I might have been acting like an asshole when I first met them? like, was it the day after Trump was elected, or did I have my period, or had my son been really difficult that morning? Once in a while, I think back, and realize that I did or said something that could have been misunderstood by someone who didn’t know me well. It’s not so much that I want everyone to like me, as I don’t want to be an asshole.
I remember once I met someone I did not realize was a pastor’s wife the week before Christmas, when I’d just had to deal with a retail store, and then I made some off-hand comment to another person who was also Jewish that I was really over the Christians, and it was within earshot of the pastor’s wife. Quite naturally, she took it the wrong way. Well, when I realized, a couple of weeks later, what had transpired, I made up my mind to apologize to her if I ever saw her again. And I did see her again. So I apologized. I don’t think she was so cool about it right there and then, but she eventually saw that I wasn’t a bad person, which might never have happened if I hadn’t apologized.
But if I can review my interactions with someone with a clear conscience, then I figure it’s their problem. And I let it go.
I think it’s healthy, and mature, to not care that everyone likes you.
That said, if I hear that so and so person doesn’t like me, I do ask why. If there’s something dumb or offensive about my behavior, I want to know that.
It’s good to hear ways you can improve yourself.
What caused someone to tell you that a third person doesn’t seem to like you? I can’t imagine anyone over the age of about 14 doing that unless (generic) you are completely oblivious to social cues.
Yeah. That does sound like junior high behavior. I remember a girl in my intermediate school trying to taunt me with So-and-so doesn’t like me. I just looked at her and said “So?” she didn’t know what to say next. Now, the truth was, I did care, and it was a really complicated situation, too much so to bore you with here, but I at least got the taunter off my back.
I was moved by what she said to investigate and repair the situation, though, which ended up leaving the taunter out in the cold.
But I haven’t had someone say something like that to me since. I have had people very delicately say that a joke I made was taken wrong (in 51 years, it’s going to happen once or twice), or that I accidentally offended someone another way, but not in a way meant to hurt me.
The fact that someone doesn’t like you is not very helpful to know. Was the person who told you that trying to mess with you? If “Definitely not”, then exactly why did they tell you only “X doesn’t like you” without saying WHY X doesn’t like you?
If a lot of people dislike you for the same or similar reasons, it’s reasonable to conclude that you may have a fault that needs fixing. (Unfortunately, this fact does not depend on your ability or willingness to do anything about it.) Sometimes, though, you can be disliked for reasons that are specific to the person who dislikes you.
I know a guy who’s very popular and well-liked. I hate him, not because he’s popular, but because I disapprove of the way he treats people. I worked with him part time for a year, but had to quit - I couldn’t watch him do what he does on a daily (or weekly) basis. Should people tell him I don’t like him? (A) No, because he wouldn’t change anything anyway, and (B) I seem to be in the minority on “like him or don’t like him”, and what’s my opinion worth.
When I imagine hearing this from anyone I know, I wouldn’t interpret it as them wanting me to care, but more a commiseration. It would be more of an expression of shock at how open they were about not liking me. And they’d expect me to say “I know. What’s his deal?” And that would be the end of it.
I can’t really see why I would care in this circumstance. I can think of reasons to care: I don’t want to be an asshole. I may like them and want to be friends. I may need something from them. But just some newbie? Meh. I’ll continue to treat them kindly, like I would have anyway.
What else can I do? No point in worrying when you can’t do anything.
I think it’s almost universal for people to say they don’t care. It actually being completely true is more unusual IME. Note, I’m not telling you what your attitude ‘really’ is, I’m willing to assume it’s exactly as you say. I’m just saying IME there’s a net surplus across all people of actual degree of concern what others think of them compared to their stated concern about what others think of them.
A reasonable point was made earlier that if there’s some reason a number of people have in common for not liking you, and that you can change, it might be useful to hear about it and think about whether you want to change it. But just being informed somebody doesn’t like you without any explanation is worthless, except maybe as a caution in case you’re subject to that person granting you favor.
Also related to my not making real life assumptions about you, I believe I’m speaking 100% honestly to state that to whatever degree I care what people think of me in real life, my degree of concern is way lower wrt people I encounter on the internet. I think the latter really is nearly zero. I wouldn’t claim so in real life.
It’s not unusual to not care if everyone likes you. It is a tad unusual to not care if anyone likes you. And it’s probably missing a bet, whether or not you care if someone likes you, or anyone likes you, to not develop a little self-awareness and think not so much about the whether and more about the why.
Why is he so well-liked if he treats people poorly?
When I was in college, I worked with a man who, on the surface, was a very nice man and almost universally liked for this reason, but I eventually found out (long story) that he only seemed to want to do anything for you, so he could do anything TO you. I fully expect to see his name in the headlines one day, and not for anything positive.
Ha! This is EXACTLY what I always tell my incredibly socially anxious friend.
I would be puzzled if everyone liked me, particularly at work. I tend to speak up when confronted by stupidity – if I wasn’t disliked by a few folks I’d worry that I’m not being a fully-realized, confident adult.
Thank you - my feeling exactly. It irritates me when people are too blase about not caring what others think. While you can’t please everyone and shouldn’t try to, if lots of people dislike you, maybe you should have some self-reflection.
Fascinating. Thanks for this, you just cleared up a ten-year-old mystery for me.
I think it is not just normal, but a function of healthy self-esteem to not care what a stranger thinks of you. To not care if anybody at all likes you would be sick though.
There must be some carefully chosen people whose opinions do matter. I don’t give that power to just anybody, but if confronted, I will always consider carefully any input I receive.
The reverse is also sick though, and far more common. If everybody likes you, you are probably not being authentic. People pleasing, taken to extremes can actually fracture a personality, or prevent a coherent set of values and priorities from ever forming.
There’s something borderline sociopathic about not ever acknowledging social cues or reactions to one’s own behaviour. If someone - or a group of people - whom I felt close to and respected gave me negative feedback about my actions I would of course become introspective about it. In a different vein, sometimes I fuck up in the social world (I tell an inappropriate joke, I cut someone off in traffic, I behave inconsiderately, etc.) - when these faux pas are communicated to me then I care, inasmuch as I feel remorse and pledge to act differently in the future. I don’t know if this counts as ‘normal’, but I would like to consider it ‘decent’.