No. As I’ve stated repeatedly now, I started the thread because I wanted help identifying some of the emotional risks associated with sex at an early age (which, in my daughter’s case, happens to be 15).
I find it odd that you think you are the one to say whether or not she’s ready for sex. That’s not to say you don’t have every right to impose rules on her about it, but she’s the one who gets to decide when/if she’s ready.
My guess is she started a physical relationship with her girlfriend while at camp, and since then has gotten more intimate and attached via online communication. I guarantee they’ve talked about it in depth, and likely had it all planned out for that weekend. She knew if she wanted to have her girlfriend over she would have to agree to your rules. She probably would have said anything in order to see her gf, and knew if she openly disagreed with your rules you wouldn’t have allowed the visit. It’s not rocket science to figure out that teenagers in love, who are carrying on a long distance romance, will sneak around and do whatever they can to have sex.
Being “ready” for sex isn’t a black and white issue, and there is a lot of making out and experimentation that goes on before teens are ready or not. In fact, I think actual sex happens a lot of times before they’re really ready, that’s just how it goes in figuring these things out. As a parent, I understand you being uncomfortable with it, but it’s going to happen regardless. At least you don’t have to worry about her getting pregnant or getting an STD. Honestly, as far as teenage sex goes, I think the girl/girl scenario is the least scary of all.
A thought I have had after reading many of the responses here. I know the subject of this post is interested and has attempted to have lesbian sex on at least one occasion at the age of 15. I have read many responses that she should be allowed to have lesbian sex at 15 years old because it will make her closer to her parents, and it isn’t like she is going to get pregnant or get an STD anyway.
My concern is this: if this is her first sexual relationship, how can she be sure that she is only interested in women sexually? My niece at 16 thought she was a lesbian, at 18 she was bisexual, now she is 23 and all that was only experimentation and she is happily married to a man.
So suppose the subject of this thread, the 15 year old girl decides she wants to try having sex with a boy before she commits to one or the other. Would the responses change? I understand that sexual orientation does not change in adults, but we are not talking about an adult here. If she is not allowed to have sex with the boy because of pregnancy concerns, how do you explain to your daughter that lesbian sex is ok in your house, but heterosexual sex is not allowed? In essence telling your daughter to be gay until she can accept the consequences of heterosexual sex.
SFC Schwartz
What part of the explanation “a boy will knock you up, a girl won’t” do you think will be hard for a 15 year old to understand?
Or are you thinking along the lines of: “if you were heterosexual, we’d have to ban you from having sex here, so actually we’ll have to do that anyway even though you’re not, so that you can suffer in solidarity with your completely hypothetical heterosexual self”?
Basically, there’s nothing wrong with treating different situations differently.
I’m not dictating whether she’s ready, just noting that she went into that specific situation without having had any discussion with her girlfriend about past history or giving any thought into the consequences, physical or otherwise. From any reasonably objective standpoint, I think it’s safe to say she was not ready for sex at that particular moment. Which is all I’m saying.
Pregnancy’s not an issue, but STDs are. Even if the girlfriend has never had sex with a boy (which may or may not be the case), there’s still a disease risk.
There is one subject that every single human being will lie about - sex. I’m Not Dennis Bergkamp has compelled his daughter to become a liar, and then expresses shock that she lied.
I would be okay with a hetero interaction as well provided I was assured they would use protection. I might be more interested in knowing that the young man was also truly interested in her as opposed to looking for purely a booty call before I put my blessing down upon it though.
A very small risk. In a way, Not Dennis Bergkamp, you’ve hit the jackpot here with your daughter’s sexual preferences. Of all the possible behaviours she could have gone for, she choice the one with zero risk of pregnancy and the lowest possible disease risk. The worst she’ll likely to suffer is a possible broken heart at some point. In a world where teenagers routinely engage in risky sexual behavior and suffer the consequences, this is lucking out.
To be honest, if my (hypothetical) 15 year old daughter asked to have a boy over, I’d lock her in her room and get the shotgun out. However, if she asked if her girlfriend could stay the night, I’d be so relieved that my main concern would be what they would like for breakfast in the morning.
Man, we’re just going to have to agree to disagree on this point. You don’t know me, you don’t know my daughter, and you don’t know the circumstances of our relationship, or much of anything else about us. All you know is the limited amount of information I’ve posted here in an effort to help provide her with some information I think she needs.
If you have some additional information you’d like to share, that would be appreciated. If you want to continue criticizing my parenting choices, that’s fine, but you may want to go ahead and take it to the Pit. As things stand, I feel compelled to defend myself and the conversation is sidetracking the purpose of this thread, which, I’ll repeat again, is to discuss the pros and cons of sex at an early age (using my daughter’s age of 15 as a reference). Thanks.
Acknowledged, and agreed. That said, there’s still some risk and I want her to be aware of them. It’s not a “scared straight” situation, either. Just trying to make sure she’s adequately informed, both on the objective risks and why her mother and I feel the way we do at present.
Do you disagree that everyone lies about sex?
For reference purposes, here is your original post, which should save a lot of folks some scrolling:
[QUOTE=I’m Not Dennis Bergkamp]
My wife and I recently caught our 15-year old daughter in the middle of the night sneaking into the bedroom of her girlfriend, who was visiting from out of town (despite separate sleeping areas being the primary condition for us allowing the visit). As a result, we’ve said there will be no further overnight visits from her girlfriend, nor will she be allowed to stay at her girlfriend’s house, for the foreseeable future.
We’ve always encouraged open discussion about our rules, so, apart from the issue of general rule-breaking, our daughter is now asking us why it’s inappropriate for her to be sexually active with another girl if–and this is a big “if”–there are no disease risks. We’ve struggled to come up with any explanation beyond “sex is a very complex thing that affects people physically, mentally, and emotionally and you’re just not mature enough right now to handle that.”
Understandably, she doesn’t accept that as an answer. At her request, we’ve taken her to a therapist (whom she’s seen before for other reasons), but he wasn’t able to give a different answer.
Which leads to my question: is it wrong? I still think it is, but it bothers me that I can’t articulate a better reason for it. So, if it is wrong, help me out in explaining why. My family and I would really appreciate it.
[/QUOTE]
I think we’ve all been dealing with the material you’ve provided, but you just don’t like the majority of the answers. Obviously we don’t know your daughter, but all of us have been 15 and I believe some of us remember it more accurately.
I believe the reason you can’t “articulate a better reason for it” is because you didn’t reason yourself into this position.
Somehow, this is reminding me of this thread going on over here where the OP’s four year old is drawing on the walls, and while some think she should be smacked, the majority of posters agree that she needs to be given some drawing paper.
I’m Not Dennis Bergkamp, your kid needs some drawing paper. 
I disagree that everyone lies about sex all of the time. Beyond that, I have no real opinion on the question.
With all due respect, you have no basis to assess whether you or anyone else here remembers being 15 more accurately than I do, nor does your remembered experience from the past necessarily have any relevance to my family’s present.
And it’s not a question about whether I like the answers or not. The question in the OP was a general one, and I appreciate all of the answers, whether they support sex at 15 or not. The thread is an information-gathering exercise and all information on that question is helpful. What isn’t particularly helpful is the constant refrain about my parenting decisions from people who have little to no context about them when those parenting decisions aren’t the topic of the thread. You have a problem with them, I get it. Take that as resolved and we can move on.
That’s partially true, but not entirely. The reason for our rule was, and remains, that my wife and I don’t believe that my daughter–at the time we made the rule–was not not prepared to appreciate the risks associated with sex. Some of those risks are physical and my wife, my daughter, and I are clear about that. My daughter’s inability to appreciate those physical risks (as discussed above) alone would have justified the rule. Her subsequent behavior justified the rule.
My wife and I also reasoned that our daughter was not prepared to appreciate the mental and emotional risks. The fact that I had difficulty articulating the emotional risks does not mean that they are not real, or that they aren’t legitimate. That was the impetus for the thread, as described in the OP: to discuss the nature of the non-physical risks in a way that I could explain to my daughter.
Again, if you have something else to contribute on that topic, please do. But this tangent about my parenting decisions isn’t accomplishing much for either of us.
We’ve been through that situation with her, too. The drawing paper solution worked well there. 
15 is not a big deal to me. Much younger and I’d feel uncomfortable.
I think that given the importance we place on sexual experience as a mark of adulthood, we ought to direct more attention to whether it might be harmful for people older than, say, 21 not to be sexually experienced.
What could be done for them? Beyond some kind of counseling, who knows, but at the very least it might explore, and possibly explode, the stigma such people have to contend with. Let’s face it, sexual maturity is part of social maturity.
Sorry, but you are not arguing in good faith. My question was:
…and you chose to answer a different question:
That is not what I asked. There is one universal subject that everyone alive will, when pressed, lie about. Sex. Everyone from virgins to prostitutes lies about sex. Not, as you tried to re-frame it, “all of the time”. But enough of the time that answers to questions about sex are tricky.
As I said earlier, I work cleaning up computers, and I deal with teens all the time. I see what they get into, I see what they say to their peers when there are no adults watching. I don’t particularly wish to, but it is part of the job.
I believe you’re just going to continue to pound away until the only people left here are the handful who agree with you.
Again, based entirely on the information you have given in this thread, caused your daughter to lie about the one thing that everyone lies about, then act all surprised that she lied about it.
“Emotional risks” are always there in relationships, no matter one’s age. There are emotional risks falling in love at 90. As others have pointed out, the physical risks of a lesbian relationship between two teenage girls are at the bottom of the scale on risky sexual behavior.
Again, I’m doing so.
He’s arguing? That’s news to me. Looks to me like he is asking for opinions, and has not tried to shut anyone down. I’m one of the “sex at 15 is normal” folks, and I never got the impression that my opinoin was discounted in any way.
An interesting documentary: Desperate Virgins | Watch Documentary Online for Free
This is the heart of the matter. Nobody questions the existence of emotional risks; my wife and I are trying to identify those non-physical risks as best we can. That’s the purpose of the thread. And several people have responded with some very helpful advice on that question. As best as I can recall, I haven’t argued with anyone (thanks, Muffin and for the link as well).
And just because the physical risks are lessened in this case, we want to make sure our daughter doesn’t ignore them. They may be lessened, but they’re there.
I don’t know where you got the impression I am going “pound away until the only people left here are the handful who agree” with me. That’s not what this thread is about at all. I’m not even doing that with you on the question of my parenting decisions; I’m simply asking you to respect the fact the those decisions aren’t the topic of the thread and stick to the question that is.
Welcome to the Straight Dope, where everything will be discussed and analyzed.
INDB, some people here feel that you are only soliciting opinions that agree with your own decision. If that is the case maybe you should ask a mod to close this thread and just start one called: “How do I explain to my 15- year old daughter that I don’t feel she’s ready for sex?” You didn’t ask that though, you asked is it wrong for 15- year olds to be sexually active, and many posters, myself included have replied that we are fine with it. Particularly in your daughter’s case where her sexuality has made it very safe for her to experiment with an absolute minimum pf physical risks.
Now you apparently disagree, and seem to be basing this based on wanting to insulate her from emotional damage from having too intense a relationship at a young age, and that is admirable parenting. Some of us disagree on this point as well and feel that getting your heart broken occasionally is part of growing up and her age is appropriate for this to be happening. You still haven’t really articulated what would make you feel better about this situation other than her being able to talk intelligently about the risks of her preferred type of sexual interaction. You admitted that you don’t really KNOW what is making you feel this way either, so perhaps a little focus would help.
Those of us on the permissive side are reading that it is nothing more than your own emotional hang-ups driving your policy-making. You don’t like that your daughter broke her promise, but you put her in a position where she either had to accept terms she felt were unfair or not get to see her girlfriend at all. Of course she agreed, she had no choice.
Even though I, and other posters disagree with your current decisions, we are here to help; so why not try asking what you really mean.