Is my girlfriend a tramp?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Aw, hell, I’ll throw my two cents in.

(FTR: I’m 22, male, in a committed relationship. My last relationship ended when she broke the engagement. On the phone. While she was in Germany, and I was in the U.S.)

First thing I want to say is, I see the trend here being that the men say you ought to dump her, and the women say you ought to give her a second chance. The former is a typically male attitude; men are territorial, and can’t stand to see another guy muscling in on “their” woman. And therefore would advise another man the same way they will advise themselves in this respect. To paraphrase several rather rude posters above: “Dump the bitch.”

That, of course, is the easy way out. It requires no thought; it requires no work on the relationship; it requires merely a fight-or-flight reflex, and enough adrenaline to trigger it.

I know that it may be hard to forgive her her indiscretion, but it may be the best thing to do. As someone said above, this will either end the relationship or strengthen it. But if you back out now, you have ended it without taking the time to try to strengthen it.

Of course, if she doesn’t want to do that–if she wants to cheat on you further, or if she was testing you to see what your “limits” are–then you will find out soon enough. And you can then dump her with the clear feeling that she is, in fact, not interested in having a committed relationship with you–she may even leave first. And you can move on without that icky feeling you have now: that if you dump her now, you might have missed something.

I also want to applaud Spider Woman. ‘Tramp’ and ‘slut’ are not words I enjoy hearing thrown around. Personally, I like to class male trash and female trash into one broader category: assholes. All of 'em, male and female. They exist, unfortunately–but a lot more of 'em are men.

(Yes. I dislike men. Perhaps sometime I’ll explain my philsophy…)

LL

42

I know this is weird, comming from someone often accused of misogyny, but I think people are being far too hard on the accused woman.

Yes, what she did was wrong (regardless of whether the relationship was sexual). However, she confessed. She admitted that she liked it, but I think that’s rather trivial. At the time, of course she liked it, otherwise she wouldn’t have done it! She has expressed guilt, and crispix has forgiven her. Perhaps he forgave her too quickly, but that is his call to make.

Although I am far from experienced with relationships, my advice would be to:

  1. Sit down and talk to her about where your relationship is going.
  2. If the relationship has a future, watch her as best you can. If she does this again, then I recommend dumping her.
  3. If the relationship doesn’t have a future, either get what you can out of it now, or just drop it and start fresh. Your call, really.

To those who are offended by “slut” and “tramp”:
“tramp” refers to members of either sex, at least according to my dictionary.
While my dictionary does limit the application of the word “slut” to females, I’ve heard it used for men as well. Also, as someone else pointed out, there are corresponding words for men. “Player”, “womanizer”, etc.

43

Since people seem to think age and sex matters in this thread, 18 and female.

My advice to you would be to carefully examine what you think she’s feeling. If she told you and seemed really upset and guilty, and told you in steps so it seemed she was overcoming difficulty in telling you, and has promised earnestly never to do it again, etc., I can’t see why you should break up with her if you care about her.

On the other hand, if she said it blithely and seems like she’s still not too upset about it or anything, sounds like it’s time for a big talk.

I know I’d be really hurt if my boyfriend cheated on me, but I care too much about him to break up with him if he was seriously sorry.

And about the terms being thrown around for each sex:
I have some friends, both female and male who sleep around, the girls are called and thought of as sluts and the guys are just guys. A definite problem.

44

Until the next time you’re drunk and lonely…

Isn’t alcohol just a great excuse for absolutely any wrong-doing? I should take up drinking simply for the number of great excuses I’ll be able to use. One idiot that lives in the next building over claimed he only tried to break into my apartment because he was drunk. Freakin’ hilarious.

45

neutron star –

Hello? I’m not making any excuses. What I did was wrong. I will never do it again.

Unless you are psychic, you have no grounds for saying I will.

46

1.0 Shit happens.

2.0 It is no big deal.

3.0 Get over it.

4.0 Never mention it again.

47

I’ve noticed this too. Sometimes, not being able to come up with a better insult, someone has merely called me a “typical male”. As harsh as the word “slut” may be, nothing beats having one’s entire sex be considered a derogatory term.

48

Well, I imagine that I do agree that tramp and slut are not nice words, and well, frankly, even after what she did to make me mad, I have to forgive her. And as some people say, I have to judge whether or not I think she’s doing it again. I don’t think she will. Of course, I don’t know.

-crispix worries about the causes of pregnancy

49

And of course nobody ever says typical woman or generalises about women or uses stereotypes with women Black Knight? It is solely reserved for men isn’t it?

:rolleyes:

50

That’s what you’re telling yourself now. But next time the 'ol boyfriend is out of town and you’re drunk and somebody from the other end of the bar gives you a wink, it’ll be a different story.

Cheaters cheat. People don’t change. Maybe you’re having a hard time coming to terms with your infidelity. Or maybe you’re the one person in a thousand for whom it really is a one-time thing.

You’re right. I’m not psychic. I could be wrong. But I bet I’m not.

51

Very true… I hate to admit it, but the whole point of dating is a “trial period” of potential mates. Call me nuts, but if you disagree …

If a particular date or relationship work out, there’s always the flexibility to move on …
Tripler
One bad relationship after another …

52

Umm… excuse me? I think it DEFINITELY can be one-time thing, and not just 1 in 1000 times! Aside from anecdotal evidence, of which I have scads, it just makes no logical sense. Haven’t you ever been in a weird mood in which you are unlike yourself? Haven’t you ever made a mistake, and learnt from it?

53

I’ve had “weird moods,” but none that would force me to strike out viciously against the one I love in such a hurtful manner. I have no cheaters cites, but FWIW, radio talk show host Dr. Drew (who deals with this sort of thing for two solid hours every night) agrees with me. Cheaters don’t change.

Now I can see if you’re on the outs with your SO and about to break up anyway and you cheat. That doesn’t count.

She said she was “emotionally involved.” Apparently not that involved, I guess. And if she “wasn’t sure where the relationship was going,” well how about waiting to find out? Sounds crazy, but it just might work.

Cheating on someone who really loves you is the emotional equivalent of smacking them in the head with a brick. And just like there are assholes who physically hurt their SO’s and say it will never happen again, there are assholes who cause emotional pain and say the same damn thing.

How selfish do you have to be to potentially shatter someone’s world for a few minutes of gratification? Maybe his world wasn’t shattered, but I seriously doubt that she knew what his reaction would be (or perhaps never even considered it) when she was groping that barfly.

54

For what it’s worth, when I went away for school, I left behind a wonderful girl who was perfect for me, and for whom I was perfect for. The one smart thing I did, since college was looming ever since we discovered each other was to never ask her out. You see, she, possibly like your gf, is too much the romantic to stand up to the rigors of a long distance relationship.

This isn’t to say that she’s weak in any way, just that she would have needed more from a relationship than I could have offered from all the way in CA. True enough, despite my best efforts, she got lonely, and ended up hooking up with a friend of hers. And though it hurt like hell to not fill that role in her life, I could take some comfort in the fact that she was happy and that we were still very close friends. Who knows, maybe someday we’ll get back together.

So, based on my experiences, which may bear little to no resemblence to your relationship with your gf, I recommend that you two do separate. I’m (hopefully obviously) not saying “dump the bitch” but it would probably be easier for all parties concerned if you agree to see other people as, and I hate to say it, it’s probably going to end up happening anyway.

It is by no means an easy road to travel, but the odds of your salvaging something of your relationship are much, much better. Best case scenario, some healthy non-commital dating relieves her loneliness, and she’ll be happy and waiting for you at the gate when you come back. But that’s just my $0.02, and should be taken with a block of salt.

55

When I was in my teens and in my twenties and before I met the man to whom I am now married, I was wild. I wasn’t particularly faithful to any of the men I was with (neither were they to me). Mr Primaflora was also a wild child. When I first began seeing him he was conducting relationships with 5 other women.

We’re coming up to our 11th anniversary. We are totally faithful to each other and neither of us have ever strayed from each other.

We changed. We met the right person. that’s often what it takes. Or making a bigass mistake and realising that what you just did truly sucked. Honesty and faith in each other can go one hell of a long way.

Stereotyping the other sex as bitches or whores OTOH pretty much guarantees that the relationship is gonna hit the rocks sooner or later.

56

neutron star, you sure have strong views. It is a pity that you don’t know what you are talking about. People who don’t know what they are talking about should not give advice.

Outside of a few laws of physics, there are no absolutes in life. There are people who have cheated and who will not cheat again.

You say you have no cites for your claim that cheaters will always be cheaters but you support your position by stating that a radio talk-show host agrees. I don’t listen to radio talk shows but I would be willing to bet that one can be found who will take exactly the opposite position to your Dr. Drew.

I would be inclined to doubt either of them since sweeping generalizations are nearly always defective.

57

And you’re basing that on … ?

Ahh, don’t you just love it when people take what you say and twist it and turn it to fit their points? I believe I said 1 in 1,000 cheat only once. No, it’s not a scientifically accurate number, and it may only be 1 in 100 or 1 in 50 for all I know. I sure as hell didn’t say it was an absolute. However, the vast, vast majority of cheaters will do it again and again. They are emotional rapists. And we all know that rapists rarely stop at one victim.

Even if it is just once, it’s still downright evil, especially when you consider all the STDs that are out there.

Okay, find one. Dr Drew is a physician who has been doing this for the last 20 years or so, so I think he’s a little more qualified to speak on these matters than you or me. He also had a show (Loveline) on MTV for a couple years that was basically the same as his radio show. He listens to these people every damn night. He knows what he’s talking about.

58

I agree. I think that it might be better to be hit with a brick, bruises dissapear faster.

59

Er, he’s always out of town. He lives in England. All this happened several months ago. If I had wanted to cheat since then, I can assure you that the opportunities would be abundant and the chances of being found out minuscule.

Considering that we’d only known each other for a few weeks at the time, yes, it’s fair to say that neither one of us was “that involved.” No potential for shattering anyone’s world there. You’re not only being wildly melodramatic, you’re doing it without the slightest knowledge of the facts. (Incidentally, your characterization of the third party is so far off base that it took me several minutes to stop laughing.)

Rape is a violent crime. Cheating, even in its severest form, is not REMOTELY comparable.

And since when are STDs transmitted by kissing?

60

I was referring to cheating in general - not to you - when I mentioned STDs.

And cheating is an emotionally violent crime.

Also, If I go screw somebody, get AIDS, and give it to my wife, I would be murdering her. In some cases, cheating can be worse than rape. I don’t know about you, but if given the choice, I’d rather get raped and live to be 100 than get AIDS and die in 10 years.

You’re right. I don’t know the facts about your specific situation. Hell, maybe you won’t cheat again. Or maybe you’ll hold out for another few months and give in. I honestly don’t know. But, like I said, the vast majority of cheaters will go on to do it again. Maybe you’re in the minority.