I’ve been meaning for a while to start a thread (it would be my first) on this very topic. I was curious about what typical results were for online dating.
Per elmwood & strangers on a train’s stats, I also heard back from 1 in 10-20 people that I wrote to (on Spring Street, which in case anyone doesn’t know is the source of those ubiquitous little pseudo-clever photo ads on The Onion, Fark, Salon, the Village Voice, et cetera). I send out about 30 messages over a year and half (OK, I’m selective), received responses to 3. (I’ve been dating the 3rd for about 9 months now. She’s perfect.)
I just checked the number of 39-year-olds (I’m also 39) within 20 miles of my zip code: there are about 640 women’s profiles (64 pages with 10 a page) and 1000 men. So clearly there are more men than women doing this. And yes, from my female friends I have discussed this with, women on all dating sites (except eHarmony, I guess) are flooded with messages from all kinds of men – appropriate, inappropriate, dull, disgusting, the gamut.
Here’s how my experience is different. During this 18-month experience, I also received about 20 messages initiated by women. Because I hadn’t dated in more than 10 years, I adopted the peculiar policy of answering all of the messages that were geographically possible, even the ones where I thought there was no chance of attraction or chemistry (and there were a few, I’d say 5 or the 20). I figured everyone was worth an e-mail or a phone call, and I would just chalk it up to experience. About 8 of these turned into actual dates (coffee dates or “real” dates). Three of those led to further dates, one to a short (and wacky) relationship.
I should point out that I seriously doubt I’m one of these elusive 2-percenters: the famous person I most resemble is probably Philip Seymour Hoffman about 20 pounds lighter. I have a good job and I make a great boyfriend, dammit, but I also have a kid (and an ex), which seems to be a serious demerit in the dating world. So why am I getting this attention? I think its twofold: (a) I worked like a bastard on that profile, rewriting it to make it confident, funny, and without a droplet of self-pity or whininess; and I took a shitload of photographs. It took me about a year to finally get the picture that got me responses from people I was really enthusiastic about. That seems to be what people respond to, more than anything else. It’s certainly what I respond to. (b) This is just a guess, but maybe women in the NYC area (and other big cities, I suppose) are more willing to be aggressive in this pursuit than women elsewhere. The women who wrote me were not weirdo lonelyhearts with drying-up inboxes; they just felt that they weren’t hearing from the guys they wanted to be hearing from, and went out and started writing to men they thought they would like. Several of these were extraordinarly attractive and accomplished women (one was an actress in a big role in a Broadway muscial, actually) who, rationally, I never would have written to as being out of my league. They had dated the 2-percenters for years and were getting tired of having the same experiencee over and over again (for the most part, bossy inattentive overachiever men who cared only about themselves and wanted to be worshipped/babied, it would seem).
I agree that if the message traffic is just going to be man-to-woman, then the damn thing doesn’t work very well. You’re in a room with 1000 men, all trying to get the attention of 600 (or, more realistically, 200) women. Doesn’t sound good. You’d be better off in a bar with 100 men going after 70 women. But it seems to me that there’s got to be an added benefit to the bigger pool, even if that means bigger competition. You’re much mor elikely to find someone you can get along with choosing from 500 than from 50, even if of the 500 you only like 50, and 3 write back. Then in 6 months there’s more people, and you try again.
This is pretty obvious, but the more you do this, the better you get at it; the more profiles you read, the more you figure out what to write. I would take the advice of the women on the board (and I didn’t go to either profile) – I think that you need to made a very quick good impression (and, sadly enough, especially with the picture). With digital cameras you can take a thousand pictures for nothing and post the ones that put you in the best light. If you don’t totally misrepresent how you look, nobody will be disappointed. Nobody who you’d want to date, anyway.
I’d also not worry so much about people’s stated parameters. A good friend of mine is 5’7", and will routinely write to women who make it clear they want someone 6 feet and above. He gets a pretty good response rate, because he’s a good-looking guy with a very funny, charming profile (and this is LA, where eveyone is supposed to be shallow). A lot of people are willing to be proven wrong – I wouldn’t worry so much about a few inches or 2 years or a mile out of their range.
By your rules, I never would have written the woman I’m now seeing (who I’m totally crazy about) – I was out of her geograhic range, didn’t meet a number of other qualfications, and her picture who pretty provacative to boot (although in a goofy way). My message stood out pretty clearly from the leering, boneheaded ones she would routinely get.
Yes, I think finding a great match after just 12 first dates was a lucky shot for me. (Maybe I was about to run through all the women in New York who have a bit of a thing for Philip Seymour Hoffman.) I was expecting it to take years, and totally ready for 100 first dates. The hardest thing, I think, is to keep writing to people with so little positive feedback, and to keep the disheartedness or ennui out of it when you find yourself on the same date you’ve been on (or exchanging the same e-mail) a few times before.
As an aside, it’s a fantasy of mind to place a personal ad saying “looking for a partner in crime,” have a date pick me up in a her car, and when I meet her, rush in with a few canvas bags of money, screaming, “Go! Go! Hit the gas!”
, I’ll unhide my 
) and continue to message people near me. Then I had a few dates in early January. Neither person really clicked, but I was still optimistic because I was getting farther with the service than I had ever gotten up to that point.