Is this a date?

You already know how pathetic my social skills and life are, so what do I have to lose…

Invitation to an outdoor concert in town, with suggestion for picnic meal there before concert starts. From a woman I met a couple times and did a small favor for. Exact words are “Would you go with me?” Can I reasonably assume/pretend we’re just going as friends?

I’ll ask you the same thing I asked a friend in a similar predicament.

What do you want it to be?

I’m guessing from your last sentence you only wish to be friends. In that case, the key is to act as if you thought that from the beginning and just go as friends.

I don’t even know what I want. All I know is that the consequences are less embarrasing if I assume we’re just friends.

Invitation was by e-mail, by the way.

Take it as an opportunity to get to know each other a little better. A low-risk hang out, enjoy music, and chat. I would not put yourself in the just friend mode yet, though. If things go well, you both have fun, and so on - go from there.

Disclaimer: I am not the guy from whom you want to take any kind of dating advice.

That being said; yeah, it’s a “date”; i.e. an opening invitation to spend time with/get to know the lady in question (we assume that she is, in fact, a lady). Since you “don’t know what [you] want,” there’s no real pressure to achieve some goal, i.e. a specific base, or a touchdown, or whatever sports-based metaphor the kids are using these days to indicate romantic success.

Suggestion: be a gentleman (open doors, offer to buy a drink, et cetera) but don’t go overboard (flowers, chocolate, invitations of lifelong matramony) and see how it goes. If it goes well, return with an offer to go to a play/film/art exhibit/dinner/mountain biking/whatever.

Recommended topics of conversation: her hobbies, your hobbies, your dog, food, music, et cetera.

Topics to avoid: work, cosmology[sup]1[/sup], politics, calculus of variations[sup]2[/sup], pornography, the writings of Philip K. Dick[sup]3[/sup].

IIRC, you are (ethnically) Japanese; women often find that exotically attractive, in and of itself. Play up the whole “inscrutable Asian” thing.

And, regardless of your intentions, good luck to you. At the very least, perhaps you’ll have made a close acquaintance or possibly a friend.


[sup]1[/sup]Unless she’s that type of girl.
[sup]2[/sup]On the other hand, if she brings it up…
[sup]3[/sup]Okay, propose marriage immediately.

Assume you’re just going as friends. This way, anything extra is a bonus.

It’s an invitation to go to a picnic and a concert. That sounds date like. Ok, I’m a gay guy and thus probably clueless as to how you straight folk define date. However, when a man asks me out to dinner and a movie, I assume it’s a date. It doesn’t mean we’re going to his or my place afterwards for endless hours of hot, sweaty sex, it means we’re going out together. That, to me, is what a date is, two people who like each othre, going out and doing something, however special or ordinary it may be, together. Then if they hit it off, more dates down the road.

Go and enjoy it! It sounds like a nice evening.

Friends can have dates, they just aren’t as sexy :wink:

A woman you’ve only met a couple of times?

Date. Definitely. You don’t ask someone you only know slightly to spend that much time with you, alone, in your leisure time, except on a date.

But two caveats;

… unless you got on roaringly well with her on those couple of times and she already sees you as a friend and just a fun guy to spend time with.

… unless she’s paying, or providing the food, and sees it merely as returning a favour.

Hmm, good points. It’s a “sort of” on both counts, actually.

Anyway she’s a really nice and interesting person, so I’m not complaining either way…

swampbear nailed it dead-on. It’s a date, plain and simple. Enjoy.

Whether or not this is a date, how would you act any differently?

Would you be less/more of a gentleman?

Would you crack crass jokes?

Cast furtive glances towards other women?

Do anything else but put your best foot forward?

If it helps you be more relaxed, think of it as a non date. But in the end, be yourself and let the chips fall where they may and enjoy your afternoon/evening out.

I guess I forgot to mention she’s older, which is one reason I thought it was probably just a return of favor. I don’t know how old, exactly, but she mentioned something about her older brother getting married at age 50. I’m 31, by the way.

Anyway I just got back and it was (or became) a date, up to and including a good night kiss. I had a good time but I’m still not sure how I feel about this.

Well, now, that doesn’t have to mean that she’s ancient. I’m 23. My dad and (younger) step-mother just had a baby earlier this month. My sister and I don’t consider any of our siblings “halves” (which, admittedly, throws people off when one of us refers to our 7-year-old brother).

Anyways, I’m glad you had a good time, because that’s what you ought to be shooting for. IMHO, a good sexual relationship is built on a good friendship foundation, so you don’t need to immediately deem this new one sexual or not. If I were you, I would just take it as it comes until you feel comfortable putting this relationship in one box or another. (That made sense in my head; feel free to glaze over it… I get wtf looks all the time, so don’t think you’ll offend me by doing so. :D)

Glad you had a good time!

And, as BrattiAtti says, you don’t have to decide right now what this “is” – so far, it “isn’t” anything. Hang out, have fun, let things happen, or not, as you’re both comfortable with it.

Just cause she’s older than you doesn’t mean anything. Did you offer to taker her out again at a later date?

Sort of - we’re getting together for a bike ride with some other people. Her bike is in the shop so I offered to bring my tandem. :slight_smile:

Something between:

“But you’d look sweet, upon the seat of a bicycle built for two”
“Life would be oh so sweet, if I were a bicycle seat.”

Dude, age (and time) are illusions. The single most important thing (if you want to look at this as a long-term thing) is that you interest one another. Say she is pushing 40, or 50–there’s plenty that life experience offers in lieu of youthful beauty and naivte’. Of course, if you find her attractive and she reminds you of Mom, maybe that’s not such a good thing.

But if she’s into biking, that suggests a youth and energy. Especially if she’s ridden it hard enough to put it in the shop! I’ve ridden mine pretty steadily for 12 years and only had it in for a tuneup once.

Hey, there are a lot of women out there who like, or at least aren’t opposed to, dating younger men. My husband’s only two years younger than me, but the fella I dated before him was 6 years younger, and there were a couple flings with guys even younger than that. :smiley:

At any rate, if you’re still not sure how you feel, just try another date or two, and just see how it goes. There’s nothing to lose.

Yeah, but you have to admit, you’re nothing like any other woman on the planet, okay? :slight_smile:

Did indeed sound like a nice date, and now you get to go tandem bike riding? Man. It sounds like a nice connection and either will flourish wildly into fiercely tasty hot monkey sex in the kitchen, become a steady nice friendship thing, or blow up badly when you over about Star Trek with her.

Enjoy it !! And keep we romantics posted, ok? :slight_smile: