No, but I have a coupon!
oh wait, different type of resolve. Mine just gets rid of stains in carpet/upholstery - not free-loading relatives.
You know how sometimes, when someone points out something which is so completely obvious to everyone but you, you want to smack yourself? That’s me right now.
What if you spray it in their eyes?
Still might help if I spray it directly on him and cry out “Get thee behind me moocher!”
Yes, yes, and maybe I’ll try the final suggestion even though Motorboy will roll his eyes at me and make me cook him something complicated as pay back.
I’ve been so keyed up about this issue for the last couple of days, I didn’t think I’d be able to laugh about it.
I should have known dopers would show me the humor inherent in the situation.
The word you are looking for is “no.”
If he doesn’t understand that you can try “Hell no.” He should know that phrase.
Start by sending him a list of hotels in your area, then follow eclectic wench’s advice above. I do love the “let’s do lunch when you’re in town” thing.
If he’s dense/rude/clueless enough to insist that his family should stay with you, I suggest you be firm and not vague. “I don’t want that many guests in my house. You’ll have to make other arrangements.” Period. Stay strong! You might piss him off, but so be it. Sounds like you won’t be losing much if he’s not in your life anymore.
He knows exactly what he is doing and he is counting on your guilt to subsidize his vacations. Next time he calls explain to him that while you were glad to have a chance to get together with him and catch up on old times you discovered that you can’t have him as an overnight guest anymore. Tell him you are very different people and you don’t think it would be enjoyable for either of you to spend more than a couple of hours together in the future.
I actually just did something like this with my cousin. He has always been a bit of a flake and a weirdo but he is family so I let him stay at my place for a few days while he interviewed with a school in the area. He stayed out all hours of the night even though he knew we had work every day. He never paid for his own food and actually complained that we had no food in the house, even though we did have food, we just didn’t have instant food in cans or packets. You actually had to cook it to make it edible and to him that equals no food. He sure had money for beer though and wanted to know if you can get weed delivered to your home in NYC. He complained that “the man” wants to force him to get a job and that is why he is trying to get into grad school so he can avoid working and waxed poetic about becoming a farmer if he is forced to work despite never having planted so much as a flower in his life. He thought the sound of the cats eating was annoying so he hid their food bowls every day when we went to work. I told him that while I was happy to see him again that we realized in the future he can’t stay with us. He keeps a schedule that prevents us from functioning in our day to day lives and he would be much better off staying in a hotel in the future. He wasn’t happy about it but he will get over it in time.
I’VE GOT IT!
First, tie yourself to your bed while wearing an old flannel nightgown (get Motorboy to help - consider it foreplay).
Next, get large pots of pea soup.
Then make your bedroom really, really cold.
When Chip arrives - have Motorboy him ask if he’s ever performed an exorcism before . . . .
penis ensues.
As others have said, I would not get into ANY specifics about why he can’t come. Because he will argue with you and try to find ways to work around your objections. This will just prolong the pain.
Even saying something as blunt as “I don’t want you to come back because you’re rude, cheap and boring” is trouble. Because how will you respond when he apologizes and promises to be better on his next visit?
Come up with a single firm but vague excuse and repeat it over and over again until he gets the message:
“I’m sorry, that’s not going to work for us.”
“I’m afraid that’s impossible.”
“I’m afraid we can’t put you up again. Maybe we can meet for coffee next time you’re in town?”
Or another appropriate variation thereof.
Sometimes it just takes a different pair of eyes to see the obvious. And keeping that in mind should strengthen your resolve.
The more I think about it, the more I like the idea of a tactful but truthful response. “It didn’t work out for us very well last time, so I’m afraid you’ll have to make other arrangements”, or something like that. You might not have the guts to say that on the phone, but you can make your fingers type that into Facebook.
You’ll get some resistance, so be prepared to say “Sorry, but that’s the way it is” a lot.
Yep. Any reason is potential leverage. Especially:
His answer practically writes itself: “I won’t get in a bad mood, I promise.”
"Hey, the timing of the trip would be great. We’ve been planning this huge Satanic sex ritual for months and we haven’t been able to find an entire fundamentalist Christian family to violate! You guys would be PERFECT!
You haven’t seen him in 20 years, he comes by and takes pictures of every exhibit in the museum but doesn’t have any comment except as to their size, and he wants to return and visit more museums with accomplices in tow? I think you could turn him in for this. Nice reward too.
This has “epic backfire” written all over it.
How old are you?
The reason I ask is you have GOT to learn to say no at some point and now is a good time to do so. Otherwise people will just walk all over you, happily. You can be nice and still be firm.
Start reading some Miss Manners. I read her all the time. I am also one that likes to be nice but I’ve learned to say no gently but firmly. No one ever comes over my house uninvited. I set my limits, and when people attempt cross them, I let them know.
This is a valuable adult skill and necessary to get by! Please learn it!
How timely!
You’re right, though - suspicious coincidence.
Wicked old. Definitely old enough to know better and to stand up for myself, even though sometimes I fail to do so. Older than you, I bet. Get off my lawn! 
You are absolutely right. The question is - if I haven’t learned it yet, can I learn it? In some areas of my life I am a complete hardass who makes sure she gets what she wants (work) and in some areas I let people take advantage of me (apparently with family).
Nobody can walk all over your back unless you bend over for them.