Nonsense - have you seen how short I am?!
In all seriousness, though, you’re right, and that’s why I’ve asked for advice on how to make sure I don’t allow it in the future.
The responses are pointing out what I know needs to be done, and helping me shore up my resolve. I am taking to heart the tactful, vague, consistent NOs.
BTW - doper advice in this arena has helped me in the past. In this thread I asked for advice on how to get across to friends that I really wasn’t interested in being a babysitter for them. I am ashamed to discover I never returned to the thread to let everyone know how it worked out, but I did end up having an awkward conversation with the mom in that thread to clarify that we were having the other family’s children over because we had established relationships with them as people, and that even then the visits sans-mom-and-dad didn’t start until after age 5. They took it very well and haven’t asked us to babysit since. Hooray!
I didn’t mean to be flip, I was just pointing out that the answer is “Do it.” There’s no other way around it. It will be tough the first time, but with practice you’ll become very good at it. And who better to practice on than him?
Keep repeating, “That won’t work for us. I’ll be happy to give you the phone numbers of hotels.” Practice until it feels natural. No explanation is needed, or desired, because, as was pointed out, he’ll just use them to craft his arguments. Don’t tell him you’re busy such and such week, because he’ll find a new week. Just repeat the above sentences.
By the way, my family would like to come visit Boston. When would be a good time for you?
Yes you can. It is the stupidest thing ever for people to say “old dogs can’t learn new tricks”. Maybe old dogs can’t but I firmly believe humans can go right on learning new things as long as they remain open-minded.
You will be surprised how good it feels the first time you say no to someone. But you have to stick to your guns.
Stupid, selfish cousin: I am coming over your house X dates.
You: No, sorry, that won’t work for us. pleasant smile
Cousin: What? Why? (or whatever he says)
You: We just have some personal family plans. pleasant smile
Cousin: (rudely) what plans?"
You: Just some personal family plans.
If he still continues to push, drop the smile (but don’t get angry!) and say,
Just some private things I don’t care to discuss.
At this point you can add a fleeting smile if you choose.
If he STILL pushes then you say, “Goodness, I didn’t know you were so interested! Regardless, I don’t feel it’s something I can discuss.” Sound genuinely surprised in the first sentence.
Lather rinse repeat.
STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Say it over and over again until he gets it through his thick skull. You don’t owe him any kind of explanation. No excuses because as others have said he will try to poke holes in them. Let him draw whatever conclusions he wants.
You especially have to learn this skill if you are an easy-going person already, because people automatically assume they can take advantage of you.
What a timely topic. I live in a resort/vacation area, so I get a lot of house guests and I occasionally have to set limits. My sister visited last year with her friend and we had fun, no problem. She just texted me and asked if she and her 9 year old daughter could visit over Easter. I messaged back that we have a strict no kids policy and only have adult house guests. I’m sure she’ll be pissed but I figured better than “Oh, Easter isn’t a good time” and all that because she would doubtless re-plan for summer or something. We don’t have kids so we’re not kid friendly as far as hosting kids in our home goes. We’re just not comfortable with kids around unless we’re visiting someone and can leave when we want. It’s not her, it’s us, but it’s still my house and I’m not sacrificing my comfort for someone else’s budget.
I suggest the same for you. Just plain no. You don’t owe them a huge long explanation. I let her know the “no kids” policy now so that I won’t have to go through this for the next 10 years. Just tell them “that’s not possible. We made an exception when you were here before, but we really don’t enjoy having house guests. If you decide to come and stay at a local hotel, let us know so we can meet for a bite or something, but our house isn’t available for your use.”
It sounds harsh but will work. No hinting or beating around the bush.
Er… um… gee. Um. Tomorrow?
Yes. Geez, I’m 48 and still finding opportunities to learn to be more assertive.
If you’re having problems with this, think of it as a learning opportunity for both you and your cousin. You’re learning to assert boundaries and he’s learning to respect them.
It should be mentioned that in general, the fear of how someone will react to assertiveness is usually far worse than their actual reaction.
No, you were supposed to write, “That won’t work for us. I’ll be happy to give you the phone numbers of hotels.”! Fer cryin’ out loud! Cut and paste, already. Let’s try again…
My family would like to come visit Boston. When would be a good time for you?
This. So many times, this. Generally when I started standing up to people and telling them NO, most of the time - I’d say 97% - they’d shrug and move on to the next poor sclub. Very rarely do I have to pull out the Big Gun of Rudeness.
Miss Manners basically points out there is a huge difference between rudeness and firmness and we have become indoctrinated to think they are the same thing. They are not.
I keep coming back and posting because I see myself, a few years ago, in you, and really want to help you. I hope all this works out for you.
Oh, and one more thing. Say everything goes according to plan, and he comes to town, and not on your dime, and somehow agrees to meet you somewhere for dinner.
Never, ever give any details that he can stick a wedge into.
That won’t work for us. I’ll be happy to give you the phone numbers of hotels.
Should I follow this up with something about ungrateful freeloaders?
I’m 43, and I’m still finding opportunities. It absolutely is something you can get better at - the trick to getting better at it is actually doing it. 
Maybe try looking at it this way; a few moments of discomfort telling him that the visit didn’t work for you and it won’t be repeated, versus a long time of putting up with him and his whole family. I’d chose the few moments of discomfort in a heartbeat.
A similar thing happened to me with a long lost half-brother. When he called to say he wanted to bring his wife, kids, dogs and green cigars, I told him I was in the middle of packing to move to Australia. Then, I got an unlisted phone number.
My SO does this quite often. We decide before we walk in somewhere how long we are going to stay and what else we need to do (usually we can come up with something real because I really try to never lie).
He’s great at the clock watch: “Gee, it’s about time for us to scoot if we are going to make it to the other place . . .”
Fortunately, our lives are crazy enough that people don’t give it a second thought.
Excellent point. Assertive != aggressive.
Is your cousin Eddie from the Vacation movies?
“Shitter’s full!”
I so wish I’d thought to use Eddie as his pseudonym!
Well you’d have to plunge ahead with regretfully yet determinedly saying “no no no, we can’t possibly…” but yes, trying to stick to “That won’t be possible”-type responses is best. I was aiming for the “portray yourself as having irreconcilable issues and thus, oh so regretfully, having to decline.”