Is there any better song lyric than, “I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die”?
Because if there is, I haven’t heard it.
How about “Do what you want to the girl, just don’t hurt me” - best Country song ever written.
Why do they always put two crackers in the package that come with soup? Is it impossible that a person would only want one cracker? Sometimes I only want one cracker and I open up the package, eat the cracker with my soup and am left with another cracker. You can’t save it because the package is opened so you eat it to not feel wasteful. But you don’t enjoy it. It’s worse than empty calories, it’s calories that bother you.
Say: “You’re so good looking!”
So what’s the deal with fireflies? Can the really not hold down a job?
Warm salads are on most menus here. I’ve also got a few recipes for them. It’s basically a salad with hot meat (lamb, beef, or chicken strips) added. Very nice, very filling, and I can pretend it’s good for me!
Ever notice how large pieces of dandruff look like corn flakes?
This idea …I have it, y’see.
Well, people never talk in lifts, even if they know each other. Hell, men at urinals talk more than people in lifts, and talking at the urinal is a BIG no-no. So what we do is fit a hidden message thingy that well… says things.
Things that you have to respond to like, ‘Is that your fifty bucks on the floor? No? is it yours? What about yours?’
Ok, so it needs work, but I’m thinking we’ll be improving society as a whole AND make a packet off the lift companies.
We just need the venture capital.
Yup, that’s the ticket, yup.
And what’s the deal with their square pizza? Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?
SPOOFE: Personally, “Sell By” dates make me nervous. Why does it matter when it’s sold? Has it gone bad? Is it going to go bad soon? They don’t tell you when, they just try to reassure you that if you bought it already, it’s OK. Well, what if it’s not OK? At some point, it’s not going to be OK, and I want to know when so I can avoid eating or drinking it and killing myself. How about a “This Will Kill You After” date?
So, when you brush your teeth, what do rinse your mouth out with …Aquafina?!
Actually this sounds familiar but I’m going to spit it out. Whats with white out? It doesn’t take white out, it takes black out or puts white in. Actually thats what they should call it, White-in.
What about A-rod? Which you might ask? Good question. There should never be 2 atheletes with the same nick name. And if this happens distinguish the two. There should be the Chicago A-Train and Tampa A-Train. A-rod with a raquet and A-rod with a bat. Don’t even get me started with the Karate Chop…
Also I got this guy I see on the job from time to time. Nothing too serious. Simple how are you doing or a Have a good one. Just being polite, right? Well a couple weeks ago he confesses to me that he was abused as a child. Now I feel sorry for the guy and I hope he gets the proper help but how did I suddenly become this guys therapist. I had no how to reply. The guy has a family the petes sake couldn’t confess this to them. I just didn’t think our relationship was there yet.
Let me clarify. I do not think abuse is funny at all, but again I did not think oour relationship was there yet.
We have to start making up rules for nicknames. There used to be a catcher whose nickname was Pudge. Now there’s another catcher and somebody decided to call him Pudge too, just because there was another guy called Pudge! You can’t do that! You can’t nickname somebody after someone else! There are no nicknamesakes. You get your own nickname by earning it, not by being like some other guy who got the name. That’s plagiarism!
Of course not. But I don’t swallow that water either - hence the rincing.
How come they sell french bread in italian restaurants? Can’t the italians figure out how to make bread?
What’s the deal with saying anything after sneezing? Why sneezing? Why not after someone has been coughing. One act involves removing stuff from the nose, the other from the throat or lungs. I think I can figure out which is more important. Plus, coughing is worse anyway. Sometimes you end up coughing for quite a while and everybody starts looking at you. Your face turns purple (both from coughing and embarssment), your eyes start to water. You take a cough drop but IT DOESN’T WORK! It’s not a pleasant experience at all and can sometimes last for at least a minute or two at it’s worst.
Sneezing is no big deal. Coughing is what we should show sympathy for.
Well, it is easier to gift-wrap.
Ah, so you just leave your mouth with a nice coating of shit-water?
How long should you wait before farting in front a new partner?
If necessity is the mother of all invention, is the father the guy who fucks everything up in the first place?
It’s strange how the older people get, the bigger their sunglasses get. Saw an old guy the other day whose sunnies were so big that he had scaffolding to hold them up. It will get to the stage where you will see some pensioner with a square tinted box on top of his head. Down at the bowling club… “ Hey Harry, love your new box!”
Maybe we should introduce lanes in shopping centres and the city. This may alleviate pedestrian rage due to the people who walk around as if they have overdosed on Valium. This could lead to an employment boom, people manufacturing miniature indicators to strap onto your arse.
People are just numbers these days, I noticed this the other day when I bought some new jocks which had a sticker attached which said “Inspected by 89”.
This raises a few interesting points, one of which was how many people do they really need to inspect a pair of jocks??? 89??
No wonder they cost so much.
Also, why not give people credit for their work, it might get to the stage where you see this guy rock up to work on a Monday, “Hey 37, how was your weekend?”
”Not too bad thanks 89, caught up with 17 and 48 down the pub, then just had a quiet night in with 23 last night.”
If the guys name is Phil, why not just say, “Inspected by Phil”?
You can see a trend starting where Phil becomes renowned for his fine work.
”Look at these jocks, such fine proportions and just the right amount of leg holes, this is definitely some of Phil’s finest work”
What cracks me up about that is maybe there is some guy on the production line looking out for three legged pair of underpants
Wouldn’t it be great to be able to shit like a dog?
It’s been my experience that you should never eat anything that’s more than two days past the “Sell By” date.
For a while many senior citizens were wearing sunglasses that looked like the ones the visitors wore in the series “V”. every time I saw one I’d think to myself “There goes a Visitor”.
I think we should ban the words arguably and rave. Nobody uses them correctly. If you say arguably it means you want somebody to argue with you. I see movie that boast that critics rave about it. I don’t know about you but when I picture somebody raving, I picture someone pulling their hair out and foaming at the mouth. Would you want to see a movie that did that to you? Coming soon to a theater near you “The Yellow King”.
What would happen if you ate Smarties™ and Dum-Dums™ at the same time?
Woosh?
Let’s try this in easy to follow, step-by-step instructions:
- Brush teeth.
- Take gulp of water.
- Slosh water around in mouth (the actual rincing)
- Spit.
Are you suggesting I should swallow the water instead of spitting?
Anybody hear the story on NPR the other day about someone who came up with a perfume that smells like New York? The first thing I thought of was Kramer’s idea for a cologne that smells like the beach + his funkification of Elaine’s mattress from swimming in the East River.
And on a similar topic, after the space shuttle Columbia tragedy I heard a story about all the scientific experiments that were lost, including one that involved the manufacture of perfume. And the first thing that popped into my head was a vision of Kramer saying, “You know how you smell when you first get home from outer space?”