It's a trend...I got dumped tonight, and we had our first kiss

Seems to be a trend tonight with torie’s sad news.

A couple of you know from previous threads (look 'em up yourself, I’m not in the mood) that for the last two and one half years I have been dating a really wonderful man. We are both divorced, two kids, over 45 and church-going. We have been dating in the most pure form of the word. There has been no sexual relationship between us, though I lust for him something fierce and we go out nearly every week, with long phone calls every other day or so. I had good reason to believe that he is very gun-shy, and doesn’t have a lot of faith in his attractiveness, which is something that is not a physical thing. In fact, I have a list of “17 reasons why we’re not sleeping together.” I am a patient woman, and always give someone the benefit of the doubt. Needless to say, I am also a stupid woman, apparently.

My friends think we are strange for having this sort of relationship, but I think it has given us a lot of time to get to know each other in a way that often gets shunted aside when sex enters the picture. We are very, very good friends. I made a conscious decision not to push him into anything, to take my cues from him. I decided that pushing the issue might push him away, and I would rather have him in my life as just a friend than out of my life forever. So I waited, and didn’t pour out my heart to him.

So tonight, he took me out to dinner, which was fun and comfortable, and then in the parking lot was clearly uncomfortable about something, and started a discussion about “us” and our relationship, and were we weird? I told him we were, but that I cared about him a great deal, in fact, I’m crazy about him. Then he told me he’d met someone else, and wanted to see if anything would come of it, and he didn’t think it was fair to me to not tell me. They also met online a few month’s back, and they’ve gone out once or twice in the last month, and that’s when my heart just broke.

We spent the next two hours with me telling him exactly how I felt, and why, and crying, and laughing, and he told me he feels like I am part of his family now, and he wants us to try and hold to our promise to stay friends. He doesn’t know where this new relationship will take him, and I told him that if she turns out to be a high maintenance bitch he can always call me, and he wants me to still feel welcome to babysit his grandchild, and we hugged and he held my hand, and when we parted, we kissed for the first time (other than thank-you pecks on the cheek.)

And now I am drinking the last of the Godiva liquer and the raspberry vodka and I can’t stop crying. I have lost the best man in the world. I felt that we were perfect for each other. I felt we had a future. My kids like him. My friends like him. I love him. And I miss him already.

In three weeks I undergo some life-changing weight-loss surgery. He has been very supportive, and while I am not doing this for him, I was counting on his support to get me through what will be a very difficult time.

I am once again alone, and my grief is a crushing thing.

Forty five year old guys who don’t initiate any sexual intimacy whatsoever during a two and a half year relationship are not going to develop a sexual relationship with that woman.

It ain’t gonna happen.

He might love you. He might sit at your sick bed, and ease your passing from this world, after forty years of tea and sympathy. But you are not going to have a strong sexual response from him. He hasn’t got one to give to you. Face the reality, this guy is not going to suddenly, or even gradually heat up a physical passion. It would have shown up somehow, some way in two and a half years. It would have shown up in six months.

I know this guy. I almost am this guy.

It isn’t anything wrong with you, by the way. It isn’t even about you. It’s an adjustment to reality that he has already made. Unmaking it is more difficult than I can even begin to explain, and even that won’t turn it into something approaching what a mature, sexually active woman expects out of a sexual relationship. He doesn’t have what you are missing. He isn’t even really missing it all that much, any more, although he probably does grieve for it.

Fairly bad news, I know.


(I can’t believe I am publicly saying any of this.)

The beauty of love… the pain of love. I wish the best for you during this emotional whirlwind and hope you remember that you can survive this loss. It takes time and I don’t envy you the healing process but you’ll end up stronger for it.


Oh, OUCH, that’s all I can say. And I’ve been there. Chemistry is a weird thing. And I have often played the “If only” game…If only he saw in me what I saw in him.
Now you’ll be free to find someone who’ll care about you the way you care about them.

Forty five year old guys who don’t initiate any sexual intimacy whatsoever during a two and a half year relationship are not going to develop a sexual relationship with that woman.

Not true.

There are still some people out there who manage not to get naked until they make a commitment for life. Crazy concept, I know. He may have been lusting for her something fierce, too, but chose to think with his big head instead.

That totally sucks, kitten :frowning: I feel awful for you :frowning: Whatever you do, don’t wait for this guy. If she turns out to be a high maintenance bitch, sucks to be him, but it’s not your problem. That’s what he gets for exchanging you for someone he barely knows.

It sounds to me as if he’s trying to keep you on “reserve” while he finds out what happens with the internet girl. Don’t be available for him when it ends (which it probably will, because we all know that you’re way better than her).

You’ve just had WLS and your life is going to drastically change in the next year or two. Don’t put it on hold for a guy who is too dumb to know when he’s got a good thing going.

Ehhhh . . . I don’t think Tris was only talking about getting naked between the sheets, I think he was talking about any expressions of romantic affection. You know, like kissing. kittenblue mentions that this is the first time this guy’s even kissed her. That’s a little unusual.

Now, granted, some couples may make a mutual decision to not have any physical contact (despite wanting to) for personal/moral/religious reasons, and that’s a different kettle of fish. But that doesn’t seem to be the case here. We’re talking about not even kissing for all this time. Unless kittenblue comes along and clarifies further, I think Tris may definitely have a point. A guy who is interested physically will do something, (like kiss) after a while. He’ll want to, even if nothing happens, it’ll be made clear that he really wants to. I do not get the impression that this is the case here, but I could be way off, so I await kittenblue’s further clarifications.

And to kittenblue: man, I’m so sorry. It sucks. It feels awful, I know. But there’s a reason for it all, and perhaps there’s a really great reason—one that will bring you more happiness in the long run. My good thoughts go out to you.

I wish I could clarify things. I asked him if he had ever felt any physical attraction for me, and he said something about not thinking I was attracted to him…he says he has low self-esteem issues, and I think I’m only the second woman he’s dated…but he never once even reached out to hold my hand. He didn’t shrink from my presence…we sat squished together in many a theater seat, and I’ve given him hugs, and kisses on the cheek, and the hand on his back thing when I walk up behind him. Sad that I can remember each touch so clearly.

By the way, he’s 51 and I’m 47. A lot of people just aren’t touchy-feely, and I really was holding myself back, trying to take my cues from him, because the last two relationships I had, hell, the last five if we go back to college, started out lust-driven and ended badly, and that includes my 16-year marriage. This time I was very protective of myself, and look where it got me. Me, who’s always encouraging people to not hide out of fear of getting hurt.

This morning I’m feeling a lot snarky and thought of things I should have said, like “sure, fine, get to know this woman who lives three hours away…just don’t touch her for two years and see how SHE likes it.” I’m wondering if a low sex drive had anything to do with his divorce. I’m wondering if he’s going to tell his son, who calls me to be his emergency babysitter. (he said he didn’t want me to feel I couldn’t babysit for him if I wanted to.) I’m angry that he agreed to go see fireworks with me, knowing he was going to give me this news (fireworks have a lot of history with me and sadness, and I was hoping this would be the year to change that) and I’m angry that this woman is probably thinner than me. I’m angry because when you come right down to it, he’s the only person on this planet who is my true friend, the only person who calls me regularly because he wants to talk to me as opposed to “needs some information from me”, and the only man who has wanted to spend more than 10 minutes in my presence these last few years. He said he wants to have a picnic at his house later this summer and hopes I’ll come, and all I can think of is “not if she’s there.” I want him to be happy, but I don’t want to watch it up close.

I’ve spent all night crying. My son goes to court today and might be facing jail time. I’ve got serious financial problems. I’m facing life-threatening, life-changing surgery. My daughter is working at a job that is not paying yet, and my sister is coming for a visit and she and my brother don’t get along and there’s no place for her and her family to stay. My job is changing, right as I’m taking medical leave. My mother is getting more feeble, and we’re having the bathroom ripped up soon. My ex-husband is unemployed and depressed. And the one thing in this whole world that made me laugh and smile and have hope just cast me adrift.

I really didn’t need this shit right now :frowning: :mad: :dubious: :eek: :rolleyes: :frowning:
I don’t want to be free to find someone else.
I’m mad that our most intimate conversation was last night after he said “I’ve met someone.”
I appreciate all the good wishes.

See, this paragraph is so telling, as far as I’m concerned. He’s so vague about his attraction to you (or lack of it) that he’s almost turned it around on you, i.e.,“something about thinking you weren’t attracted to him…”. From what you’ve told us, you held his hand but he didn’t hold yours. You touched him but he didn’t touch you. There’s something wrong with him if he didn’t pick up on your signals. Either he’s incapable of attraction or he simply wasn’t attracted. Saving yourselves for marriage is one thing, but not discussing it, not kissing, not embracing…this is something entirely different.

I’m sorry for your pain. It’s never easy to have your hopes and dreams dashed, but there will be love in your life. You sound like a very caring person who is waiting for the right person to come along and be a complete partner to you. I wish you the best.

Sorry to hear your news. Sending warm thoughts your way.

[friend mode] The Bastard. You’re too good for him. I never liked him. Here, some cookie dough and a bottle of Kaluha. By the time both are gone you’ll feel better. [/friend mode]

Remember this: This had nothing to do with you. It wouldn’t have mattered if you were thinner or blonder or younger or better educated or anything else you come up with. This was all about him. It always was. He needed a friend and you were a good friend. He never thought about *your * needs. He spends over 2 years with you but then falls for some idealized version of a woman over the internet? He doesn’t want someone real. He wants someone perfect. Seeing as he is NOT perfect, he’s in for a rude awakening.

I’m sorry that this happened. I’m sorry that you were hurt by him. Don’t give him the power to hurt you again. Later, when you’re calmer, decide on whether or not he’s romantically worth all this. Whether he’s worth waiting for - after he meets Madame X and finds out that she’s not perfect, do you really want him to come back to you? Maybe it’s just enough to be a friend and not want anything more. If you can’t be happy with just that, then maybe you don’t need him as your friend.

Have your surgery. Become a stronger, healthier person. Build more friendships. And may God send you someone to share your life who deserves all the love you have to give. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

I can certainly understand not having sex before marriage.

No kissing is even rarer, but it happens.

But from what you describe, he never fondly squeezed your hand, took an opportunity to sniff your hair or inhale your perfume, looked at with eyes ablaze with desire, recited love poems to you, or anything else to indicate any romantic feelings.

Something is wrong here.

No Chemistry-
1- He never felt that spark with you but figured you were the right person and that if he just stayed with you long enough, he’d eventually fall in love with you.
2-He never felt that spark with you, but feared being alone and clung to you.


Actually before I bring out theory #2, you mentioned weight reduction surgery. (No, I don’t think he left because of your weight. That kind of thing breaks up couples early on. ) But, since you likely discussed the subject with him, did he ever mention what body type he prefers in women? Did he ever mention which female celebrities he found attractive?

I’m guessing he never gave clear or emphatic answers to these questions

Because he doesn’t find any female body type attractive.

Theory #2
He’s a self-hating homosexual. No, I am not kidding. He goes to church regularly and prays to be made heterosexual. He even married a woman in the hope that would ‘cure’ him. Though he managed to become a father, he couldn’t become straight. This is why he’s divorced. But, he kept trying to change. He dated you for two years praying that he’d feel an attraction. It never happened.

Now he’s dating a woman who lives three hours away. At least, he says the person is a woman. If you’re ashamed of being gay but finally realise you can only find happiness dating a man, finding one three hours away is a reasonable precaution.

kittenblue, I am so sorry. I feel your pain.

It’s a cliche, but it does get better. It won’t stay this bad for long. Hell, it’s only been four days for me and already my stomach has stopped hurting.


Kittenblue, I know it’s hard not to get depressed about your friend, especially when you have so many other things going on in your life. I’m not about to tell you to just “Forget about him.” It takes time. As your other worries, try to take a step back. If you can’t control the situation, excessive worrying will only drag you down. Eventually, everything will work out in due course.

I can imagine that you’ve been on an emotional roller coaster with your upcoming surgery… Going through preliminary tests, evaluations, insurance approval, and such. Try to focus on making a swift and smooth recovery, and getting healthy. When you feel the weight start melting away, you’ll get such a lift. Your energy, confidence and self esteem will increase. Hang in there, dear. It will get better. Just keep your eye on the prize.

If you’d like to email me, feel free. I wish you all the best. I sincerely hope your surgery is uneventful, and you sail through recovery and be the “loser” you want to be. :slight_smile:


I think DocCathode might be on to something. Either Gay or “A”. If religion is such a big part of his life, he may be too ashamed to discuss this, even with his “best friend.”

Kittenblue, there’s an old Brooklyn saying that goes “I know where you’re at, 'cause I’ve been where ya been”.

Right now, I bet you’re doing a lot of figuring out what you could have said better in order to get the answers that would have made sense of things. As other posters have pointed out, you genuinely seem to have love in your heart, which while have having a few downsides, has a tremendous upside, once you find the right person. At the moment you are at the lowest point, there’s nothing we can say that will console you. I remember right after a breakup how people would tell me lame things like “you are at the lowest point, there’s nothing we can say that will console you”, but the clichéd truth is things will pick up. The best thing to do is to keep yourself occupied with a hobby, or some work you’ve been putting off. This will take your brain off things, but keep in mind, at the beginning you will do something for 5 minutes and stop to think about the relationship. After thinking about it for an hour, you’ll go back to doing whatever it was to keep your mind off things, and then 5 minutes later you’ll start thinking about it again. THIS IS OK. What will happen, over time, is that you’ll stop every 10 minutes to think about it, then every hour, and so forth. Then a few weeks later, you’ll see a cute guy and think about him, then realize you haven’t thought about so and so in the past few days. Baby step by baby step, you’ll think about him less, as new experiences fill the void that was left by your past relationship. It’s a long haul, and I’m not going to say it’s easy. but I will tell you it’s all up from here.

Good luck, keep us posted, and don’t forget, you have friends here.

Ask him if he’s gay. Even better go to his picnic and tell the new girlfriend that you allways suspected he was gay, and that’s why you dumped him.

Well, gosh, now I have to add reason #18 to the list of “Why We Aren’'t Sleeping Together”. To be honest, the possibility of him being gay never crossed my mind. I can’t see that as an option, for some reason. Hey, I’d love him even if he was. I think maybe our relationship was more of a confidence builder for a shy guy, but I’m always making up rationales.


So sorry about your current situation. Wish I could help.

As far as your upcoming WLS, congratulations! I’m 6+ months out, down 80lbs, and I’m feeling great. You can find some terrific support at on the MO message board. Hope to see you there.


Yes, things will pick up. Little by little. And once you start feeling better, don’t let him suck you in again. Because it’ll be the same rollercoaster ride of dashed hopes all over again. You can be his friend, but be extremely slow to hope for more.

I am reminded of something I learned about myself a while ago. (This is a tangent, but bear with me, it’s somewhat related.) I used to get so upset by minor conflicts with coworkers—quite upset. But eventually, the feelings passed, as they do, and I’d feel better. One day, I had a conflict with a coworker. I was very upset. Then it hit me: “why are you getting so upset? You’ll get over it, it’ll fade, it always does.” And that made me feel better. I was still upset, but I knew I had the capacity to get over it, so I calmed down.

I know that sounds lame and painfully obvious, but it somehow hit me in a special way that day, and I realized the truth in it. I also know that a conflict with a coworker is nothing compared to what you are going through now so it doesn’t really compare exactly, but still—knowing that you’ll get better eventually, knowing it—will help you feel a little better now. So believe that. You know it’s true.

I’ll repeat what others have said about it not being about you. It’s not. There’s nothing wrong with you—this has to do with him.

Thank you all for the words of encouragement and support. I haven’t shed a tear for 4 hours now. Last night after I posted the OP, I emailed the guy a quick note. I had started to tell him something during our discussion, and got too emotional, and really wanted him to hear it. It was about the way he has maintained a good relationship with his sons in the 7+ years since the divorce, while my son and his dad barely speak. He emailed me back tonight, some thanks for my kind words and some words of religious encouragement. Nothing personal, which is sort of a blessing and sort of annoying…you know, as a girl I wish he’d have added something a bit more to the point (since we’re supposed to be friends and all) like how are you doing today, or how was court, or I had a crappy day today realizing how hurt you were- you know, wishful thinking.

I realize that there is probably no going back from this point without a lot of soul-searching on both our parts. All day long I’ve been thinking about the advice and suggestions given here, and I realize that I have no power in this situation…the person who says “no” always wins. As for keeping busy, I already have a ton of projects planned for my recovery time from surgery. And my son said something sweet when I told him about being dumped. He said how sorry he was, then said, “well, you’ve got that surgery coming up, and you’ve been struggling with your weight my whole life. You were beautiful before, and you’re going to be beautiful again, and you’ll find someone even better.” Pretty mushy for 19.