I’d like to second Steven Wright’s opinion. I hadn’t heard of this Chick character until this thread. It’s hard enough to convince others that Xnity is a good thing without people like Oral Roberts, Pat Robertson, et al, let alone this guy. We’re not all like that. Some of us even know (not believe- that’s a different concept) that evolution is fact. Please, if you want a logical, rational presentation of our basic beliefs, read C. S. Lewis, starting with Mere Christianity. Please.
Dude- it ain’t your type or Steven I’m taking exception to (although the remark about convincing others it’s a good thing smacks of somebody in my living room, witnessing, which then, of course, smacks of actual smacks…
And I am with you- anything which can bring comfort to a heart in time of need is worhty, imho. Not that you said that, but I reckon that’s part of why you practice a faith.
But lots of others do too- and either god’s gonna send us all to hell, which sounds pretty silly on the face of it, and i wouldn’t want to be in that gods idea of heaven,
or, for whatever reason, it’s not gonna send us down. (That statement presupposes there is, in fact, a god who is makin a list and checkin it twice, or, for that matter, any god at all)
So, the way I see it is, to anybody tying to convert me whatever the means, to whatever the religion, they have my warmest invitation to go suck the dead.
While I might happily eat this chick fuck alive, in small portions, over the period of several days, I got no kick with people like you.
Unless you move into my neighborhood…
It was great when it all began,
I was an evo-lution fan,
but it was over when I met the man,
who said evolution’s only a sham.
Now the only thing that gives me hope,
Is the love of the Jesus folks,
Rose tints my world,
keeps me safe from the facts in my brain.
I was just a milenia old,
evolved, and feeling bold,
and somebody should be told,
science leaves me feeling cold.
Now the only thing I’ve come to trust,
Is the Fundies decietful touch,
Rose tints my world,
Keeps me safe from the facts in my brain.
It’s beyond me,
help me, Mommy,
I’ll be good, you’ll see,
Take these facts away.
What’s this? let’s see,
Ohh, it’s History.
What’s come over me?
this fog has closed my brain!
I feel released
Bad science, deceased
My arrogance has increased,
Reality’s not here.
My faith has been expanded,
My mind has been disbanded,
It’s a gas that Jesus’s landed,
his myth is so sincere…
And if you think I’m gonna do Fanfare and Wild and Untamed thing too, you’re nuts!
AAAAAACCCCHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
Brain
hurts.
Sinuses
hurt
(from coffee).
Keyboards
and
clothes
ruined.
DON’T! STOP!
I’m not sure I can take anymore…
When they find me DED with an exploded HED, y’all will feel bad.
(Note, I’m mocking only Jack Chick’s “thud and blunder” crap. Any attempt to attach this post to a legitimate belief system be ignored)
(to the tune of “The Time Warp”)
It’s astounding!
Reading Chick Tracts
Fear of Hell, he’ll extoll
But listen closely
With paper pamphlets
Jack Chick’s gonna…
save your soul!
I remember
Reading those Chick Tracts
Thinking of those moments when
I thought I was happy
Jack Chick told me different
Let’s read those Chick Tracts again
Let’s read those Chick Tracts again
<fade out to LIPS (I know it’s in the wrong order, but it’s my damned parody!>
(To the tune of “Science Fiction, Double Feature”)
Janet (heathen and bitch)
Thought she was quite rich
with her knowledge of science facts
But Bob saved her soul
Which, of course, was his goal
And we read it in a Jack Chick Tract!
Duke the hairy great lout
would constantly shout
'bout the “sissy” Son of God
But the muscle-y dude
Bought Duke diner-food
and now Duke’s not quite so odd…
Reading 'bout:
Zion’s friction, (ooh ooh, ooh)
Duke’s ugly features
See Noah saving all God’s creatures
See Bob converting Jase and Janet
Learn all about our Late Great Planet
Whoa-ooh-ohh-ohh-o
In a Jack Chick
‘Christian’ Comic
Picture Show
Reverend Ray, fat and gay
Would pray Satan’s way
Though he thought he was doing good.
But Bob cast Satan out
And with a great shout
Ray said ‘I’ll be straight like I should!’
Rabbi Waxman (good man)
Ignored God’s own plan
But now he is burning in Hell[sup]*[/sup]
And Heidi dressed like a queen
That night: Halloween!
But she died, and that’s just swell!
'cause of:
Zion’s friction, (ooh ooh, ooh) Duke’s ugly features
See Noah saving all God’s creatures
See Bob converting Jase and Janet
Learn all about our Late Great Planet
Whoa-ooh-ohh-ohh-o
In a Jack Chick
‘Christian’ Comic
Picture Show
Whoa-ooh-ohh-ohh-o
In a Jack Chick ‘Christian’ Comic Picture Show
Whoa-ooh-ohh-ohh-o
In a Jack Chick ‘Christian’ Comic Picture Show
Let’s save some 'ho’s
With a Jack Chick ‘Christian’ Comic Picture Show
(Where do the heathens sit?)
In the back rooo-oooh-ooow
Reading Jack Chick ‘Christian’ Comic’s Picture Show
Rif-Fenris
*footnote: I’d swear they’ve removed a panel. Right before the “Meanwhile Nathan recieved Jesus” panel was, in the original version, a panel of Rabbi Waxman in Hell, surrounded by flames, tormented by devils.
[Just fixing the link. -JMCJ]
[Edited by John Corrado on 03-05-2001 at 07:58 AM]
aaAaaAaaAarrgh.
Could some kind Mod fix the link in the “Heidi” verse. Please?
Fenris
I am in awe and envy. I wish I could write songs like that. SIGH
Y’know, they oughtta make a movie from one o’ them Chick tracts.
Oh, wait, they did; it’s called Left Behind.
Jesus enters the room, and points a (three pronged dildo!) laser at Jack.
Chick-converter, it’s all over
your witness is a failure,
your message’s too extreme.
Satan’s your commander
you now are my prisoner,
it’s hell for an eternity,
it’s my damnation scheme…
Wow. This is great stuff. I’m kind of bummed that all this talent is being wasted on this pile of garbage, however. Oh, well. Carry on.
You want to know what’s so despicable about that “Little Princess” tract? It implies that if little Heidi (who looks no more than eight years old) had not converted, she would have gone to Hell!
Jesus sends unrepentent 8-year-olds to Hell. What a lovely message!
Wait-Heidi went to Heaven, EVEN THOUGH she went trick or treating! What the fuck?
My brain hurts. Thinking hard.
What’s even weirder is that if she hadn’t gone trick-or-treating, the kindly old couple[sup]tm[/sup] wouldn’t have prayed for her and they wouldn’t have slipped her the Jack Chick tract so she wouldn’t have been saved.
Trick-or-treating saved her soul!!! :eek:
Fenris
That’s the reason I go to seedy bars and strip clubs. It’s not that I’m drunken womanizing scum, it’s that I’m waiting for someone to try to save my eternal soul.
Really, honey. No, I still love you.
Well, there is a sect in Eastern Orthodox that believes in salvation through sin-khlysty…though don’t know if they’re still around. They beat themselves with whips, and then have these wild orgies-they rationalize that they cannot be saved unless they have sin, because they must then redemn themselves.
Rasputin was, while not a member per se, he used this technique.
So, what’s with the checkbox at the end of the things? “Do you accept Jesus as your personal savior?” What happens if I check “No”? Can I give it back and try again? 
There’s one famous Rapture comic from Chick (can someone help me with the name?) which features a truly beastly little brat who, wearing his “Hitler youth” school uniform, sacrifices the family pets to Satan as a school project. IIRC, the comic ends with a picture of the kid’s scowling visage, with a caption explaining that when Jesus came back, the kid was sent straight to hell.
BTW, this is also the one with the Jesuit supervillain guy wearing a leotard.
-Ben
You are going to Hell. Straight to Hell.
Not for that, of course. Because once once when I posed a perfectly innocent recipe question on MPSIMS you came up and hit me with a fish for no good reason. For that you are going to Hell.
The Coming of the Lord thing on the other hand, I think is funny.
One more verse. Just one more verse of that song from jr8 and I am going to die laughing.
I read the Little Princess one just a minute ago. I sure did like those parents! “Come on, Heidi! We haven’t got all night!” as they lovingly fulfill their daughter’s deathbed wish. I was expecting the next frame to say something along the lines of “Could you please just get this whole trick-or-treating-then-dying thing over with, please? We’ve got plans for that insurance money, and you’re really hanging us up here!”
Well, not that I support Chick or anything, but I would hope any asshole who tortures animals and worships Hitler would get a big sulfuric acid enema, courtesy of the Big JC.