No, too fruity.
It’s a festivus miracle!
Susan: I just want you to know that I love your son very much.
Mrs. Costanza: You do?
Susan: Yes.
Mrs. Costanza: Really?
Susan: Yes.
(beat)
Mrs. Costanza: May I ask why?
“Purple 23”
Jerry’s mother, when his parents were in town and staying at the apartment: Hello…Newman.
Kramer: Oh yeah, there’s something in the air.
Jerry: You know you’re turning into Burt Lancaster?
George: It’s a big hefty stinking faux pas! ( I’ve been using this IRL in certain situations, like earlier this year when we replaced our computer. The old ‘tower’ was a Big Hefty Stinking Tower Of Obsolescence.
George: Would a giant rubber ball work?
Kramer: Conceivably.
George: Well Play Now has all kinds of different rubber balls. Why don’t we test your bladder system at my office?
Jerry: You’re not…
George: Oh, yes I am. Mr. Thomassoulo likes to play dirty? Well there’s nothing dirtier than a giant ball of oil!
Hellooooo! I got beaned by a giant ball of oilllll! I’m as slippery as an eellll!
Mr. Thomassoulo: Attention. The bathroom in George Costanza’s office is is now open to all employees.
George: Well played.
Mr. Thomassoulo: I’ll see you in hell, Costanza.
“This is good fucking yogurt!”
“Elaine! You look scrumptious!”
“It’s Risk, the game of world domination. Being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.”
“When you control the mail, you control… inforMATION!”
By the way, I can’t seem to place this one:
Mutton?
Beef-a-Reeno!
Mango?
Did you take the raisins?
I didn’t get a roll.
Is that a Drake’s coffee cake?
I make a spesh-ee-al pizza pie just for you.
I can’t let the quote end there. Frank’s next line is the funniest part:
Kramer: That must’ve been some kind doll.
Frank: She was.
What is the section of the parking garage where Kramer hid his air conditioner so no one would steal it?
George: A plane crash? A Heart attack? Lupus? Is it Lupus?
“The Protege” girlfriend: George is teaching me so many things. . .
Jerry: Like what, how to calculate 8% of a resturant check?
“No, I don’t have a square to spare. I can’t spare a square.”
Jerry’s girlfriend Jane, in The Stall.
Been forgetting one of my favorites- from one the last few seasons, at the car dealership.
George: There’s no rules in this place! It’s like Thunderdome!
“My boyfriend said I got gonnorhea from riding the tractor in my bathing suit.”
One of Jerry’s various girlfriends.
“Dark and disturbed? His whole life revolves around Superman and cereal. I convinced him to act like that so that you would think I was funnier. That’s how disturbed I am! If you want disturbed, that’s disturbed! You can’t find sickness like that anywhere. You think sickness like that grows on trees? Nobody is sicker than me, nobody. He’s pretending, I’m the genuine article.”
“That is damn good scotch. I could do a commercial for this stuff. Mmmmm, boy that Hennigans goes down smooth. And afterwords you don’t even smell. That’s right folks. I just had three shots of Hennigans and I don’t smell. Imagine, you can walk around drunk all day. That’s Hennigans, the no-smell, no-tell, scotch.”
“I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable.”
“The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.”
I can never remember their damn names. Except “Jenna,” for some reason, sticks in my head- she was Kristen Davis from Sex and the City. (Toothbrush in the Toilet Bowl Girl.)
Elaine: If you can’t kiss this girl, Jerry, I’m afraid you’re just a quirk or two away from full-on dementia.
Jerry: (considers): That could hurt me.
“I’m not a lesbian! I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian!”
“And this guy here we just call Feldman.”
“It’s Feldman…”
“…”
“From across the hall.”
“Get better, Georgie, get better!”
“Am I crazy, or is that a lot of gum?”
“It’s a lot of gum!”
“Fredo was weak and stupid, he should never have eaten that key!”
Jerry: “I don’t see you as a Susie. Sharon, maybe.”
Elaine: “Sharon? What am I, a bulimic, chain-smoking stenographer from Staten Island?”
Jerry: “You referring to someone in particular?”
Elaine: “I’d rather not say.”
Puddy (answering the phone): Puddy.
Kramer: Yeah, is David Puddy there?
Puddy: This is Puddy.
Kramer: Hey, it’s Kramer.
Puddy: I know.
“You got a question? Ask the eight-ball!”
“You stole my Jesus fish!”
“Right, Koko. That chimp’s all right. High five.”