The best part of this scene is right before he answers the phone, it’s just a shot of him, sitting on the couch, staring straight ahead with that vacant “Puddy” look.
BOOKMAN…the library investigator: " Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job… Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards, Abby Hoffman telling everybody to steal books. I don’t judge a man by the length of his hair or the kind of music he listens to. Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes when you walk into the New York Public Library, fella."
and
BOOKMAN: Well, let me tell you something, funny boy. Y’know that little stamp, the one that says “New York Public Library”? Well that may not mean anything to you, but that means a lot to me. One whole hell of a lot. Sure, go ahead, laugh if you want to. I’ve seen your type before: Flashy, making the scene, flaunting convention. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking, ‘What’s this guy making such a big stink about old library books?’ Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we’re too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Doesn’t HE deserve better? Look. If you think this is about overdue fines and missing books, you’d better think again. This is about that kid’s right to read a book without getting his mind warped! … Or, maybe that turns you on, Seinfeld; maybe that’s how y’get your kicks. You and your good-time buddies… Well I got a flash for ya, joy-boy: Party time is over. Y’got seven days, Seinfeld… That is one week.
KRAMER: Did I tell you I’m getting a new telephone number?
JERRY: How come?
KRAMER: Chicks, man. Too many chicks know my number.
JERRY: What else did you and Susan do?
ELAINE: Oh, I don’t know. You know, girlie stuff.
JERRY: Flower shows and shopping for pretty bows, and then back to her place, strip down to bra and panties for a tickle fight?
(Long pause)
ELAINE: That’s really what you think girls do, isn’t it?
JERRY: Yes. I do.
Kramer: “I just took a bath, Jerry. A bath!”
Jerry: “No good?”
Kramer: “It’s disgusting. I’m sitting there in a tepid pool of my own filth. All kinds of microscopic parasites and organisms having sex all around me.”
JERRY: I’ll tell ya, that “I’m there for you” crap was a stroke of genius!
Kramer: “Hey, you know what would make a great coffee table book? A coffee table book about coffee tables!”
Estelle Costanza, from her hospital bed: “I go out to buy a quart of milk, and come home to find my son treating his body like an amusement park!”
Jerry: “Newman, you wouldn’t eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce.”
You could quote the entire “Old Man” episode and I’d be happy.
JERRY: Hi, I’m Jerry Seinfeld, the agency sent me.
SID: Agency, what agency? The CIA?
JERRY: No, no, the-
SID: Who let you in here?
JERRY: The woman, she-
SID: Oh, her. She steals from me. Steals my money. She says she
doesn’t speak English. . . my ass she doesn’t speak English. . . plays
that freakin’ voo-doo music, tries to hypnotize me. . . she thinks
she’s gonna turn me into a zombie and then rob me blind! Well,
I wasn’t born yesterday. . . I may drop dead today, but I sure as hell
wasn’t born yesterday.
“There’s nothing more sophisticated than diddling the maid and then chewing some gum.” - Elaine to Jerry, in “The Maid”
Okey-dokey.
George: “Oh, what’s the point? When I like them, they don’t like me, when they like me, I don’t like them. Why can’t I act with the ones I like the same way I do with the ones I don’t like?”
Jerry: “Well, you’ve only got another fifty years or so to go before it’ll all be over…”
George: “Yeah, I’m a great quitter. It’s one of the few things I do well. I come from a long line of quitters. My father was a quitter, my grandfather was a quitter… I was raised to give up.”
George: “What kind of a person are you?”
Jerry: “I think I’m pretty much like you – only successful.”
Kramer: “The alternative media, Jerry. That’s where you hear the truth.”
Sid Fields: “Oh listen, before you go, would you mind changing my diaper? Ha, ha, ha!”
Jerry: “Let me ask you something. What do you do for a living, Newman?”
Newman: “I’m a United States postal worker.”
George: “Aren’t those the guys that always go crazy and come back with a gun and shoot everybody?”
Newman: “Sometimes…”
George: “Why is that?”
Newman: “Because the mail never stops. It just keeps coming and coming and coming, there’s never a let-up. It’s relentless. Every day it piles up more and more and more! And you gotta get it out but the more you get it out the more it keeps coming in. And then the bar code reader breaks and it’s Publisher’s Clearing House day!”
Elaine: “He schnapped me!”
On peeing in the shower:
Elaine: “Why couldn’t you just wait?”
George: “I was there. I saw a drain.”
Elaine: “Since when is a drain a toilet?”
George: “It’s all pipes. What’s the difference?”
Elaine: “Different pipes go to different places! You’re gonna mix them up!”
George:“I’ll call a plumber right now!”
Must. Stop. Now.
ELAINE: Did you ever hear of “holding it in”?
GEORGE: Oh no. That’s very bad for the bladder.
ELAINE: How do you know?
GEORGE: Medical journals.
JERRY: Do the medical journals say anything about standing in a pool of someone else’s urine?
All of my favourite quotes have been listed, just a quick hijack. I rented Secret Window the other day and one of the previews was for Seinfeld on DVD! Finally! Although, they didn’t give a firm date, just “coming soon”. I’ve been waiting for Seinfeld on DVD for years!
SICK DUDE: You stopped for Ju Ju Bees?
GEORGE: I have to out-Neil Niel.
JERRY: What if it’s Neil Armstrong?
GEORGE: Then I’m goin’ to Mars!
NEWMAN: Mmmm…Jambalaya!
KRAMER: Cage free, farm fresh Jerry.
(going along the urination theme)
JERRY I could get uromysitisis poisoning!
KRAMER: Uh, Varnsen.
JERRY: Pennypacker.
KRAMER: Vandelay.
GEORGE: Pennypacker. Varnsen.
JERRY: Vandelay.
Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you’re here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who’s watching the factory?
KRAMER: The factory?
JERRY: The Saab factory?
KRAMER: Jerry, that’s in Sweden.
FRANK: My George isn’t clever enough to hatch a scheme like this.
ELAINE: You got that right.
FRANK: What the hell does that mean?
ELAINE: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
FRANK: You sayin’ you want a piece of me?
ELAINE: I could drop you like a bag of dirt.
“Yeah Go.”
“Yo yo ma.”
Kramer answering the phone.
GEORGE: I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body.