When a relationship is 90% right, but 10% is so very wrong, how do I get over it? I still care about her. She’s not a bad person, I just got tired of fighting. I feel like I really TRIED to make it work, but in the end I just couldn’t keep going on. I wanted out while I still cared about her, because the alternative was to wait until I hated her, and THEN leave. She deserved better than that. Or is that self-serving on my part?
This was my longest relationship (8 months) sad as it sounds. We’d fight back and forth periodically; I’d threaten to leave, or think I really had left. Then she’d apologize like crazy and beg me to come back. I always did, because I couldn’t stand being lonely. I doubt she’ll quit easily this time either. I wanted us to go to counseling, and told her it was my last-gasp attempt to fix our relationship. She initially agreed, then we had a fight last night about THAT. it was just the last straw.
But the good times were so VERY good. She could be so sweet and kind, and make me feel so good–warm and safe and loved.
sigh I’ve never ended a relationship with someone I cared about. If anyone can share their stories or tell me I’m not a fool it would help. I already know this relationship wasn’t good for me. Everytime I hung up the phone I would just feel angry and upset. And now I feel sad. Maybe breaking up with someone you love is common, but it’s not something I’ve ever done before.
The only reason you’re having this crisis is because 90% is a high number for you.
But 100% exists and you deserve it.
I know what I’m talking about. Search for threads started by me and you’ll see why.
Walk on, pal. It stings now, but when you meet Miss 100%, you’ll know just how much that 10% is worth.
You’ll likely get some “been there, done that” replies, and here’s mine.
Been there, done that. There ain’t nothin’ that hurts quite so bad as a broken heart.
The first serious relationship that I walked away from was, as you say, 90% right – and it hurt like hell to walk away from it.
No matter how painful it was to walk away, and I went through an extended period of regret as well, it was the right thing to do. She’s a great person … but she was someone else’s 100%er. I found my own, and you will too.
Happy Scrappy Hero Pup’s exactly right: you’re hurt and frustrated, but better off than settling for less than you deserve.
On the other hand, there’s something to be said, if you really care about that 90%, for learning to “choose your battles.” Not everything has to be an argument-- is the topic du jour really that important? If not, remember people can be different and you don’t always have to agree and this might be one of those things to compromise on or let slide for sanity’s sake.
Why break it off completely? Just ease off some on the level of commitment & amount of time you spend together. If the longest relationship you’ve had to this point is 8 months I’d be willing to guess that you’re a) pretty young and haven’t yet met 10% of the eligible mates you have yet to encounter or b) you’re uncommonly abrasive and you need to see what in yourself you can change so this one doesn’t get away.
But if you don’t want to back it off and find out if you have fixable problems, and if you’re dead set on ending it, then yeah–make a stone of your heart and do it quickly. Do not try to explain to spare anyone’s feelings, just end it. Once you announce The End, anything you say is going to sound as intelligible as a Chalie Brown teacher anyway: “Bwah, wa wa bwa waaaa.”
Thanks to everyone who replied. She came to where I work today and waited for me in the parking lot. It was a 40-minute drive for her. We went over to the parking lot of a nearby Burger King to talk. She tearfully reiterated the same things I’ve heard before,and said she just wanted us to say goodbye face to face. I don’t know, maybe she’s emotionally manipulative. But I cursed her as the tears obscured the road in front of me on the way home. I cursed her for making me see her cry, for making me upset. And I cursed myself for still loving her.
God, I hope she does find someone to make her happy. I hope someday she moves out of her mother’s house. I hope someday she learns to control her emotions. And I hope someday I can just get over her.
My sympathies on having to deal with this heartbreak. I can somewhat relate to the “90% right, but 10% very wrong” issue. When you’re attached to someone, it’s never easy to let go…even if you know on some level that it just can’t work. In the long run, though, having so much angst and conflict would have slowly poisoned that 90% that was good, so you really had no choice.
But you’re not a fool. If it wasn’t working for you, then it wasn’t working for you. It serves no purpose to stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy. Trust me, I know. It hurts now, and you’re frustrated, but it will get better. Just be prepared for the breakup process to not run smoothly. When my last gf dumped me, she tried to come back several times, and she was the one who dumped me! So your ex may make more attempts at reconcilliation.
Just out of curiosity, she said she wanted to say goodbye face to face…how did you break up with her?
We have been breaking up in slow motion for several weeks. I guess we didn’t have a clear dividing line where I said “it’s over” until tonight. (Mostly because she said she wanted to hear me say it.) I had intimated in other ways–e-mail, IM–that I didn’t think our relationshipw was healthy and couldn’t last. But it was nothing I hadn’t said to her face before. I guess the issue just got forced by our recent fighting. I’d said it before, and we always found our way back to each other. The only difference this time is that I feel like she does me more harm than good, whether she means to or not.
You know, I tried so hard to do this, and I feel like our differences are just not settling with me. For some reason her being 33 and still living with her mother (and I don’t mean that to sound snide) just keeps bothering me. I CAN’T get over it. I figured if I could, I would have after 8 months.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, everyone has a first heartbreak, and they suck. I’ve had mine, and it sucked.
You’ll look back soon and say to yourself “Why did I let it go on for so long? Why did I let love blind me to what was really going on?”
I look back on past mistakes and want to kick myself. I even asked for advice here on the boards and I have gone back and re-read the threads and realized that I sounded like an emotional trainwreck but when I look back on it now - I realize it wasn’t that bad.
You will find someone that is right for you. If someone you love makes you feel like crap all the time, maybe the love is one-sided.
You were right to break up. Of course it hurts, but even if 90% was right, the fact that the 10% wrong was wrong enough to bother you so much means you made the right decision. Now you need to stick with it.
Truly, it will get better. Hope that happens soon.
