Sorry to bump this thread, but this is the first opportunity I’ve had to visit the SDMB. I am really shocked by most of the responses. I honestly can’t see how I could have done anything to deserve being called a whore, almost physically attacked, and then stalked for hours. Of course in retrospect I wish I had never talked to him, but once I did, I don’t see how I could have avoided what happened. I realize that my stream of consciousness post was a bit confusing, so I’ll go through the story again.
When I first started talking to him, I had no reason to suspect he was an asshole. He bought me a couple drinks while we were talking. We got into an argument over landlord-tenant law. There were some things about him I that I didn’t like, and I might have chosen to break off the conversation at that point. But he had started being nice, so I tolerated him for a little while longer. I did initiate a conversation with an acquaintance who had come in and tried to send the guy subtle signals that I wasn’t interested. Everything was fine until I nicely asked him not to put his hand on my leg. That’s when he blew up and called me a whore.
Anyone who thinks that buying a woman a drink entitles you to anything has a fucked up view of male-female relations. Offering a drink is a friendly gesture, and I retain the right to tell the guy to fuck off at any time. In case this guy did have some fucked-up idea in his head, I had actually told him what my philosophy about buying strangers drinks is.
People here seem to think that there is a one-size-fits-all solution for dealing with drunk assholes and psychos. I’m actually quite skilled at it, which is part of the reason that the result of this encounter surprised me. First, I tried telling him off, making sure the people around me could hear so I’d have some support. He tried apologizing and then slunk off but never really left me alone. The comments he made to those girls were obviously directed at me, and as soon as they left he came and sat down next to me. At this point, it’s only me and my friends and acquaintances in the bar, and he knows that we all think he’s an asshole, and yet he’s still there more than an hour later, wanting to talk to me. It seems to me that the guy’s somewhat mentally disturbed and doesn’t want to leave while his pride is wounded. So, by giving him the opportunity to engage in the normal social interaction of sharing a cigarette, I felt like I was doing him a favor. None of my other tactics had worked, so maybe that would.
Regarding the accusation that I was sending out mixed signals: Maybe you’re missing the chronology. At the beginning, I was interested in talking to him. He bought me a couple drinks. As I talked to him, I discovered some things I didn’t like about his personality. I told him that and tried to extract myself from the conversation. He touched me, and I told him to stop. He called me a whore. I told him he had crossed the line and I wanted nothing to do with him. It was more than two hours later that I asked him for a cigarette. The whole time he had been talking about me loud enough for the whole bar to hear, or talking to me, or just sitting next to me staring at me. He was ranting about how I owed him an apology for turning down his advances because I hurt his feelings. At this point it’s clear I’m dealing with a mentally unstable person, so I figure it’s best to say whatever I can to make him calm down and go away.
Some of you think I’m overreacting, that he may be a jerk but isn’t a psycho stalker. Look, I don’t scare easily, but I’m looking over my shoulder a lot more since then. He knows more or less where I live and where I hang out. He’s probably full of shit, but he insinuated that he’s in the Mafia and that people who cross him get hurt. (His name’s Tony, so he must be in the Mafia, right? :)) He actually did get physically violent with me and spent two hours in the cold in the middle of night waiting for me. This is after he spent almost three hours in the bar harassing me. I’ve met a lot of jerks, and this guy moved a step beyond jerkish behavior.
Lately I’ve been studying some of the causes of violence against women in our society, so that’s why I framed the issue in that way. From what I could figure out of his psychology, he displays some really dangerous tendencies. He feels he’s entitled to take whatever he wants from a woman and if she resists he gets violent. He claimed that no woman had ever turned down his advances, so he couldn’t control his behavior when I did. I don’t believe this at all, and considering the guy is in his 30s, it’s scary that he hasn’t learned to control his impulses.
When we finally left the bar, a physical confrontation seemed likely. If I had hit him that night it would have been self-defense. When someone insults you, harasses you, tries to attack you, and stalks you, I think it’s pretty normal to want to retaliate. That’s why I wrote that I wished I had had the opportunity – din’t read too much into it.
“I brought it upon myself” was a reference to a private joke. A friend, who used to bartend at that same bar, used to say that to me whenever I complained about any asshole who bugged me. I can’t believe people here actually think that! I hope I clarified some of the misconceptions about what went on.
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