No, I was not fucking "asking for it."

The BBQ Pit
1

I went out with a friend last night after work, to a local bar, to celebrate the new year and all of that good stuff. Never once did I buy a drink for myself, as every time I turned around somebody was buying me one. Always the cautious type, I only took them directly from the bartender, so I knew no one could tamper with them. When I’d felt like I was approaching my limit, I walked away from the bar and refused any more drinks. Even if I was trying to sober up, I wasn’t ready to leave yet. I was still having fun, after all, so I went out on the dance floor.

There was a very drunk girl that I started dancing with, until she told me her friend, a guy, really wanted to dance with me. He wasn’t really my type, but a dance isn’t exactly a proposal, so I asked him to dance. He kept getting really close and trying to touch me, which annoyed me, though. I drew as far away from him as I could without just leaving the dance floor and he kept following, laying his hands on me. I repeatedly brushed them off and told him no, that really wasn’t appropriate. And then he literally shoved his hand up my shirt to grab my breast. I’m not remarkably well endowed and fairly perky, so I don’t wear a bra, making this was very unwelcome skin contact. Despite the fact that I pushed him violently away and stormed off the dance floor, he pursued me, discussing the fact that he’d discovered I wasn’t wearing a bra. Only, well, more crudely than that. He actually, honestly said that I was “just asking for it” by the way I was dressed.

He kept following and harassing me and I couldn’t find the friend I’d come with. She was driving and while the bar is only about a mile from my house, there was no way in hell I was going to walk alone, in the dark, when some guy wouldn’t leave me alone. There was a very nice (and intimidating looking) guy who finally made the creep back off a bit and I spent the rest of the night talking to him, but even while I was sitting there with this other guy the creep kept coming up and trying to touch me. Whenever I’d turn around, I’d find him staring at me.

Finally, I found my friend again–or rather, she found me, since I wasn’t about to wander away from my safe spot–and we went to leave. As I was walking out the door, the creep popped up again and yelled, “Don’t forget your bra,” and then I overheard him discussing my “titties” with some other guys.

Fuck you, asshole. It is my body and I will dress how I like. If I wanted to dance around in pasties and a g-string it would still not give you a right to lay a hand on me. You have no fucking right to make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

2

Man, a drunk asshole on New Year’s Eve. What are the odds?

Next time find the bartender or the bouncer. There’s no reason you should have to put up with that shit.

3

This same exact thing has happened to me. Pretty disgusting, the way some people act, isn’t it?

4

Of course you didn’t ask for it. But why didn’t you call the police and, if they saw fit to pursue it, have him arrested? It might have been the wake-up call needed to keep him from victimizing the next girl.

5

Sorry that happened to you, but next time, find the bouncer, taking out the trash is what he’s paid for. If you can’t find a bouncer, tell the bartender.

And when all else fails, never underestimate the efficacy of the throat punch.

6

Did the bar not have a bouncer? That’s what they’re there for. If not, you should have gone to the bartender. There’s no reason to have to put up with that kind of shit.

7

That sucks. I’m sure whatever you were wearing looked gorgeous, and now your memories will be tainted by that arsehole.

8

Everybody suggesting going to the bartender or bouncer: This bar doesn’t have a bouncer and I think I’d had a little too much champagne at that point to think of going to the bartender, honestly. That would have been the smartest thing to do and if it happens again I’ll hopefully remember that. I was in such a state of shock over it, I wasn’t really thinking much beyond “ack! go away!”

Alice The Goon, it really is. I don’t know if I usually look really mean or if I just normally frequent bars and clubs with a higher caliber of patrons, but this was the first time I’ve ever had unwanted physical contact like this! It was quite a shock. Is this honestly typical behavior?

Una Persson, since he’d only groped me and stared, I didn’t think calling the police would really be warranted. I was thinking of calling the police if he followed us into the parking lot, though, since that would definitely cross a line.

9

Just like you have a right to dress how you want and not be molested over it, you also have a right not to be molested, period. I sincerely doubt that even local legal eagle GFactor* can find a place in the US where it’s legal for a male to reach inside a woman’s clothing and grope her breast in opposition to her wishes.

If the creep is willing to do that, then he’s likely to try it again, and again, and again - or worse. Maybe the next time he has someone alone and decides a little rapin’ would round out a night of Budweiser and dancing.

I’m not going to pick on you further, but I do think you had a responsibility to both yourself and the next victim to get him entered into The System to at least get him thinking that his life options are rapidly approaching a decision point.

  • That’s intended to be compliment, G…
10

Ewwww. What a jerk. I haven’t experienced that kind of behavior ever since I left my clubbing days behind me. I think that kind of behavior is typical at certain places during certain times … like a bar with a dance floor on New Year’s Eve. (Or a similiar sort of bar during festival time in Edinburgh, is the last time I remember.) Not that it excuses his behavior.

11

I’m with Una here. As a guy who (in the past) has been – single, drunk nearly out of his skull and in the presence of scantily clad age-appropriate beauties – I know it’s possible to keep one’s hands to one’s self in any and all conditions. There is no excuse, and while I understand that you were possibly too drunk yourself to do much, I think it’s a shame you didn’t sic the law on him :frowning:

12

Agreed completely.

Also, you weren’t asking for it, by any means. He was just a drunken skeeze, but if you were too drunk to find someone to help you out and get rid of him (you said you were too drunk to think of going to the bartender), you made a big mistake, too. It happens to the best of us, of course, but we women have to be overly aware of our surroundings, particularly in situations like that.

13

I am sorry this happened - it has happened to me as well because I am a little top-heavy (as if having bigger boobs is asking for it either).

Don’t let it ruin your New Years or let you feel uncomfortable in your own skin - and hopefully next time you will get the ass chucked out.

14

While calling the cops is pretty much a good idea, I think you should’ve gone for a good kick in the balls. Double points if you’re wearing pointy shoes. Hey, if he’s going to touch you without your permission, why not the reverse?

15

Tell him you’ll fuck him silly if he can down four shots of tequila in one minute. Stand back.

16

Eh, a drunken idiot can grope you and not be a rapist or a potential rapist. It was disgusting and abhorrent, and you certainly didn’t deserve it, let alone ask for it, but that doesn’t mean you have to make a federal case out of it for the sake of all humanity, either. If you want to let it go, there’s no reason to feel guilty about it.

On the other hand, I totally understand how it feels to be violated like that, too, and if it’s really bothering you that you didn’t take some kind of action in the moment, you can still go to the police and file a complaint against this guy for assault and battery. It doesn’t have to be done at the exact time of the incident. You didn’t sustain any injuries, so it’s not likely they’ll go all out and open an investigation, but what the heck, it can’t hurt. And if you can find any of the witnesses and maybe get his name, you can press charges and have him arrested.

Good luck, and Happy New Year!

17

That could backfire. In several different ways.

18

Not typical, but unfortunately not that uncommon. But for most of us, something like this needs to happen before we think through “what should I do.” After you’ve been drinking, even a little, on New Years Eve when something like this happens to you the first time is not the time when the best possible decisions are made. So you’ve ‘been there, done that’ and thankfully it was just getting felt up, and now you get to think “what should I do next time.” With luck, there won’t be a next time. (Sometimes, it takes a couple of times before we catch the clue bus and think through enough to take action).

Personally, my take is that if he follows you out to the parking lot, its probably too late to let someone know he’s been bugging you if he really does have evil intent - whether that’s the bartender or the cops. Telling the bartender does move some of the responsibility onto the bar itself, they may want to call the cops just to protect themselves. Tolerating a patron who sexually assaults your patrons is probably not a good thing for a bar to do.

19

He has, however, already committed sexual assault (not a legal professional, but I can’t imagine a jurisdiction where reaching under a woman’s shirt to grab her breast without her permission isn’t sexual assault.) This may be the only time he ever commits sexual assault or as far as he ever goes…he may never rape, but I doubt this is the first/last woman he’s assaulted.

20

That is often easier said than done.

I always thought if something like that happened to me, I’d beat the shit out of the guy. Then it DID happen to me and I was so shocked and disgusted I couldn’t think. The guy just reached out, grabbed my breasts, and kept walking like nothing had happened. The idea of defending myself fled my mind completely - I just wanted to flee. And I was sober, and the guy was easily 4 inches shorter than me. Then my coworker said I deserved it for being 19 and “too sexy”. There is no excuse for that behavior ever, but I hardly think it is my fault I got assaulted walking to the grocery store in broad daylight in the so-called sixth safest city in the US.

I sympathize, CaerieD. I’m very sorry this happened to you. Be careful out there. Drunken situations are certainly the most dangerous, but this shit can happen anywhere, any time.