I've got this GREAT new super power!! (warnng LOONG)

I don’t know if it’s from getting hit with all that gamma radiation, or the wacky experiments those aliens did on me a month back, but lately, I’ve developed this great new way of pissing off women by doing virtually nothing.
Friend A: I catch her online, and invite her out to a show. My friend is playing guitar for an AIDS benefit downtown, we haven’t hung out in a while because she’s been really busy with school, so I figure “Hey, let’s hang out.” I’d like to, but I’m meeting up with my grad student in five minutes, and I’m really busy. Okay, I’ll talk to you later. I get back after the show, she’s online again, I ask “How’s your grad student?” Her response:
“You know, I really don’t appreciate the way you insult me incessantly.”
:confused: I invited her out to a concert, a fucking AIDS benefit, something she’s all about, and somehow I’m insulting her? Apparently, the sarcasm I’ve been using since I’ve known her has finally gotten to her, even though I haven’t spoken to her in weeks, and the last several times I had, I’d not made a single bitting sarcastic remark.
Friend B. Very next day…I saw her and her boyfriend/fuckbuddy/whateter at the Reverand Horton Heat show wo days prior. While looking for one of my other friends, I bump into them at the bar. She shows me the new shirt she just bought and tells me “I’m going to go change over there,” over there being ten feet away. Her and her boytoy make a bunch of silly comments (“Keep your eyes open, you’re about to get a show,” that sort of stuff). Well, she goes over to change, I turn around for modesty’s sake, think I see my friend, wander off, find a different friend, and when I turn around, they’re gone. Monday, I write her an email saying “Hey, sorry I lost you there, when you went to change I turned around to give you some modesty, thought I saw another friend, went off, couldn’t find you, I didn’t ditch you on purpose.” I then proceded to talk about the rest of my weekend, and asked her how her’s was and if she had anything going on this week. HEr response was along the lines of “Don’t call me a slut, I’m not some white trash whore who goes around flashing people and letting strangers grope them.” :confused: :confused:
I was in a bad mood and wrote back a snippy email saying “Look, that’s not what was meant, if you got that from it, it’s your fault, not mine, I got shit from someone else yesturday, and I don’t need this crap.” She wrote back appologizing, saying she was just in a bad mood and read it wrong, and we’ve since patched things up and shared many a beer and good tiem.
Friend C: Lately, online conversations with her have been kinda tough, we both get a little touchy with one another. One morning, it hits me that we haven’t hung out in a while, so I send her an email saying “Hey, we’ve been a little snippy lately, and I realized we haven’t hung out in a few weeks. Some of us are going to the park today, you should come. If you can’t, we’re going to see Jason X tomorrow night. If you can’t make that, maybe we can grab a beer when your tests are over.” I knew she was busy, of all my friends, she’s under the most stress right now, so I figured “Hey, if you need to take a break, we’ve got things going on, why not join us?” I get a polite email saying “I’d really like to, but I’m too busy.” She expressed that there was a LOT more going on with her than I knew about, so I wrote a response saying “Hey, don’t worry about it, we’ll get together when things calm down a bit.” A few hours later, I get a phone call from her telling me that she doesn’t appreciate me writting her complaining that she’s neglecting me when I know she has all these things going on, and that I need to stop telling her how she should live her life. :confused: :confused: :confused: Well, one phone call, one email, and two IM conversations all led me to believe that we’d worked out that that was NOT what I said and that I know she needs to study and that she should do that and not worry about it, we’ll hang out later. Like I said, I know she’s been under a lot of stress, and that there’s alot more to it than I realized, but I don’t appreciate being the scapegoat. Although I’ve gotten over it, somehow, though, I think she’s still pissed at me.
VERY NEXT DAY: My mom calls while I"m taking a nap. We talk briefly about my plans for the weekend and if I got teh results from my MRI back yet. I tell her I’m waiting for the specialist to call me back so I can get the results. She says “the radiologist,” and me, not knowing, says “Yeah.” THus begins a five minute circular romp about the fact that the radiologist just takes the MRI, he doesn’t discuss them, but that I’m goign to some specialist, not my doctor, to review them, because the specialist is the one who scheduled me and the doctor wouldn’t know his head from his ass. After we finally clarrify that…“Okay, well, by then.” Wait, you’ve been out of the country for two weeks, and I’ve only spoken to you once since then and you’re hanging up after five minutes?
“WEll, you’re tired, irritable, and I don’t have to deal with it.”:confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:
I wasn’t irritable, I didn’t raise my voice, I just got confused about what a radiologist does (I vaguely remember a sign in the doctor’s office saying “Make sure your X-rays are explained to you by a ______,” I substituted radiologist, I guess I was wrong), and she got confused about the fact that there was another specialist between me and the radiologist who I needed to see first before my doctor. Apparently, breaking it down for her wasn’t enough.
Thirty Minutes ago… I work at a news station, I was working the prompter. The weather woman had a script to read, she said she changed it, but the changes hadn’t been put into the prompter so she was going to wing it. Suddenly, a script appears in the prompter. I start running it, she starts reading it, and halfway through the first paragraph, I realize they loaded the old one. So, seeing as she’s winging it, I turn the prompter off so she doesn’t get confused by the other words on screen, and seeing as how she’s making it up as she goes, there’s really no point. Big mistake on my part apparently, because even though she wasn’t reading it, she still wanted it up. I viewed it as a problem that anyone else prompting would have made, but when they start attacking me personally, I get defensive, and she gets pissed. We’ve both calmed down since, and things are cool.

But yeah, so that’s me, a young man gifted with special powers to offend women through the art of simple conversation that used to be seen as everyday pleasantries and friendly invites to social gatherings. Aside from my ex and my mom, everything’s been worked out with my friends, but I’ve still got a LOT of female friends, and it looks like a LOT of covering my ass to do. Any suggestions for a name? I’m thinking my costume will just consist of a white suit with a bullseye on the crotch.

What are you saying? Are you saying I don’t respond to your posts enough? Well, screw you. I don’t appreciate you insulting me like this.

P.S. I like the costume idea.

Well, El, it sounds like someone else is having about as crappy as a time of it lately as I am.

Not that I’m happy about it, but I don’t feel so alone anymore.

Need a sidekick?

Every superhero needs a sidekick!!!

Come on, PLEASE?

SOMEONE make me feel wanted…

Welcome to the club, El Elvis Rojo.

Didn’t you know that 90% of men have this “power?”

Let me explain something to you… when God created women, he had to tinker with their brains to get them to find men attractrive and willingly have sex with men. (Sometimes this programing doesn’t take and thus we get lesbians. That’s why you’ll only read about homosexual male relationships being a sin in the bible. God accepts fault for the lesbians. :smiley: )

This is THE explaniation for women’s irrational behavior. Included in this tinkering is a serious programing error in their language processing. Instead of simply litterally converting spoken/writen words into the ideas they’re supposed to represent and then analyzing them dirrectly (Like a man), something quite different happens. It seems the data gets pumped dirrectly into a secondary thought stream before being proccessed. That works OK if there isn’t anything in there but if there is it gets commingled with the existing data.
This is what happened in the cases above.

I once made an offhand sarcastic comment which, when processed by a woman, required her to drench me with a glass of Mellow Yellow. The “logic” behind her thinking doesn’t even qualify as logic. I stormed out and spent an entire hour racking my brain trying to figure out just why the hell she did it. In the end I solved the puzzle and latter confirmed my answer when we “made up.” (Why men always have to applogize for women’s stupidity, I’ll never know… :rolleyes: )

Don’t dispair though… This will be the century when at last man replaces his God created “helper” (Yeah, right!) with a superior technology. To all the women out there: Your time is almost up!

Sorry, God but your work on the woman project was far less than perfect. To be honest, it wasn’t even close to being acceptable. The company might have to let you go for that one… :mad:

Have you ever heard of Occam’s Razor? I think that theory might apply here. If everyone around you is getting pissed off when you don’t think you’re doing anything wrong, either all your friends and your mom are all loony, or maybe you are doing something that is irritating to women. Just my free advice, and worth every penny.

From his discription, I think my theory is much more likely.

Sorry, God but your work on the woman project was far less than perfect. To be honest, it wasn’t even close to being acceptable. The company might have to let you go for that one… [/quote}

Am I the only one, albeit the one who is supporting someone who currently isn’t working and I frankly don’t see the end of THIS fucking trial, who has to move after three years in a house she loved because the landlord, a friend of Mr2U, screwed me - not HIM - over, raising an 11 yr. old son who made friends in the neighborhood, and is going to start - well WAS going to start Jr. High with a group of friends but NOW I can’t tell him he will with his old friends, bringing up a child with NO child support who, incidentally, is an honors student and a goddamn FINE human being? I’m the same not acceptable woman who is going it A-FUCKING-LONE since I put the question to Mr2U this weekend about a fucking committment and he PROMISED - and then BLEW ME THE FUCK OFF woman who is not ACCEPTABLE to you?

Fuck you, the horse you rode in on, and your mother for giving you birth.


I am so pissed off, I can’t see fucking straight.

Had it occured to you, you moronic idiot who obviously can’t get laid and therefore has issues jackoff that maybe it’s your fucking attitude that is maybe - oh let’s see - ENDEARING you to women?

Thank Og/God/the powers that be/fucking Barney we haven’t lost our connection to the Planet Fuckwit.

Do us all a favor. Don’t reproduce.



Real sorry mods, but if you could pretty please fix my coding in my first post, I’d appreciate it. While I know I’m not WORTH it (see above) there’s obviously, there’s something wrong with my mind. (See above).

Or not. I’m fucking frothing at the mouth right now over this idiot.

My God - I haven’t been this pissed off in a LONG, LONG TIME.

Wow, Missy, I applaud you! I don’t believe Anaximenes meant to offend, but he definitely hit a nerve with me as well as you. Back to the OP, have you reproduced the conversations as closely as possible? Maybe some nuance of tone or expression conveyed a vastly different message than the words themselves. Based on the comments you’ve told us about, my first thought was that someone was playing a practical joke on you, maybe a friend hacked into your computer account and sent insulting emails to the first girl you mentioned. But that explanation seems less plausible with your other examples.

I’ve gotta go with featherlou here, dude. The problem most likely lies with you, not every female you come in contact with.

Just a short little hijack - Anaximenes, you’re an ass. Okay, back to the thread at hand.

I’m kinda with the OP here. Half the time I literaly have no idea of how anything I said could be offensive. Especially when a girl gets mad not over what I said, but the hidden meaning behind what I said.

As evidenced by this thread http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=110790

I have enough trouble trying to communicate my thoughts at the most base level. Why does anybody assume I have the ability to subtley encode levels of hidden meaning. They are severly underestimating my idiocy.

I think the world would have much less conflict if women took a clue from Regis and asked "is that your final answer’ and gave us a chance to rephrase when ever guys said something that pissed a girl off cause usually we have no idea that we said what we ‘said’.

I admit in some instances, my wording/timing could have been better. But when I offered the same invites to concerts/picnics/movies to other female friends (of which I have many), I got a few “Can’t make it, have other plans/too busy” responses, and a few who came to such events. If it weren’t for the fact that the majority of my friends are female, and that when offered the same invites, they didn’t get as pissed, I would probably agree with you. but seeing as how others have been friendly and even joined me on such occassions (and used terms like “you’re such a sweetie”), I feel it’s not necessarily me. But then again, it seems it’s only a matter of time.

Well, Occam’s Razor is only a theory. Maybe this particular bunch of women really ARE all loonies. I like wolfman’s idea of women borrowing Regis’ line. I don’t support the idea of women being free to say things like “I can’t tell you what you did if you don’t know.” That’s bullpoopies.

I plead the ** Anaximenes ** amendment of men!!! That is, men are dumb, and women are smart. Now, give us sex. I wonder if this will work at a club… ladies? :wink: