I’m going to resist the blasphemy of saying he gave good head.
Did you use your superpowers to alleviate your pain while on the cross? If not, why not? No one would have ever known, and even if they knew, no one would blame you. The important thing was that you were dying, right?
Jesus would perform his ‘water into wine’ trick and I would be unimpressed.
“Ha, I would say! I can turn beer into water!” And then I would hand him a Coors Light.
I always saw the water-into-wine bit as funny: his mom brings the out-of-booze situation to his attention, and he replies that it’s not yet time for him to start doing miracles, and she reacts like he’d just said the exact opposite — no longer even talking with him, because she’s moved on to talking with a guy who’ll sling the drinks — you know, as if she were relaying a “Hey, It’s No Problem, Ma; I’ll Handle It.”
After he leaves, though, that couch is getting the thrice-over. It will smell so sharp, no one will be able to sit on it until at least christmas. No way am I letting first-century parasites hang out anywhere in my house.
Well, if you pick up a red Letter Gospels some days, you’d she He didn’t much as an adult. And in fact you’d be going “where the holy FUCK! did the right wing churches get all that hate from”?
That is from the OT, and written some 700 years before Jesus was born.
Very charismatic, so not ugly, but kinda average.
Oh yeah, he’d wanna smite the Right Wing Evangelicals.
Maybe he could explain why his parents gave a Palestinian boy a Hispanic name.
True, the Bible never mentions this, BUT the last verse of John says that Jesus did many other things, and were they all to be written down, the world probably could not contain the books that would be written.
He’s my bud, we would organize our next fish fry to the feed masses with wine.
I was always curious about that. Daniel and his buds were thrown into the lions den, which made them martyrs, I’m pretty sure that John the Baptist didn’t have much of a choice, so he gets the Martyr badge. But Jesus? He could have walked away at any time. I thought suicide was a bad thing?
I’d invite my good friend @Cecil_Adams over and sit back and listen to the sounds of silence.
According to what time of Jesus’ existence were talking about there could be serious zombie gunk on your couch too.
May as well trash it at that point.
Daniel was thrown into the Lions’ Den™; his buds were thrown into the Fiery Furnace™. In both cases, they were miraculously saved, so no martyrdom for them.
I don’t think most people would consider it suicide if you allow yourself to be killed in order to save others.
For what it’s worth, I don’t recall hearing Jesus described as a martyr, anyway.
I think they would if you claimed that your death would in some incoherent magical sense save other people.
“You know how a painter will create a masterpiece but it is for the viewer to decide it’s meaning? Know how it’s the audience that evaluates and appreciates an orchestra and only then does it become a performance? Jesus, what is the meaning of life? Just kidding, I don’t care. See what I did there?”
Are you getting baked with Jesus? 
Could he have? Captured by armed soldiers.
If he performed miracles and returned from death I think armed guards would have been no problem.
He apparently knew ahead of time that they would be showing up, so he could have changed the venue at the last minute, or he could have just arranged it so they couldn’t see him. Even after he was captured he could have just escaped, ran to the beach and strolled across to the other side.
You ought to check out the third episode of the third season of Babylon 5 Passing Through Gethsemane. Sad situation in which a monk allows himself to be murdered to atone for sins he did not know he had committed. He’d once been a serial killer and had been mind wiped.