Why was the little bird so happy?
He’d just made a deposit on a brand-new car.
I’ve got no more, I promise. ;-p
What did the vampire do when his car broke down 10km from his castle?
He called a cab.
What did the lion say to the giraffe?
ROAR!
Do zombies rule? Of corpse they do!
Why don’t sharks eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
heeheehee
What should you do when you have a giraffe with three balls?
Walk him, and figure on a strikeout for the wildebeest.
I just found out my grandpa died in the Holocaust. He fell off the guard tower.
What has two legs and bleeds a lot? Half a cat.
How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Douse it with gasoline, light a match, and it goes “woof”
How do you make a dog sound like a cat? Freeze it solid, put it on a table saw and it goes “Mrrrrrrooooowwwwwww”
What do you get if you cross a cat and a cow? A stupid cow.
It seems that these animals were out to eat, and the waiter comes by with the check.
“Ah, I just remembered; I’m broke 'til Friday…” said the cow.
The pig fumbles around for his wallet. “Dammit, I’ve left it home!” he grunts.
The duck says, “Ah, that’s okay; just put it on my bill.”
Why are elephants big, gray, and wrinkly?
Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they would be Asprin! 
What’s green, noisy, and dangerous?
A thundering herd of pickles!
God help me, nealla, I laughed at that.
What happens when an orchestra plays in a thunderstorm?
The conductor gets hit by lightning.
What do you get if you cross a Yeti with a kangaroo?
A fur coat with big pockets.
What’s green and has four legs and two trunks?
Two seasick tourists.
Why are country people smarther than city people?
Because the population is denser in big cities.
What do you get if you cross a nosy cat with a canary?
A cheeping tom.
What is yellow and wears a mask?
The Lone Lemon.
I got a million of 'em, folks!
What’s black and white and green and white and black and smells terrible?
Two skunks fighting over a pickle.
Ooh… I’ve got a two more…(from my inbox)
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me.
How do you make anti-freeze?
Take away her blanket.
I thought I was above all these, but them swampbear got a genuine snort out of me.
I also liked the “half a cat” joke, god help me.
So this piece of rope goes into a bar. The bartender looks at him and yells"Get outta here! We dont server your type in here."
Totally dejected the rope skulks out. About half a block away he meets a man. “Please sir,” he says, “Will you tie me in half and frizz out my short end?” The man agrees and the rope goes back to the bar.
“Hey!” yells the bartender. “Aincha the piece of rope I threw out of here earlier?”
“No,” replies the rope.
“I’m a a frayed knot.”
What is the longest word in the English Language?
Smiles, because it has got a mile between the first and last letter.
Hmmm, most of my personal joke repertoire is rated X, but I liked the ones I’ve seen here so far (most of them anyway) and I do have a few jokes that aren’t completely filthy…how about these?
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
Q: What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
A: What’s the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS?
A: You can negotiate with the terrorist.
appendum.
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
A: Still no “effing” idea-r
I liked the half a cat joke… good one
What’s black and white and red and can’t go through a door?
A nun with a spear through her
How do you catch an elephant?
Dig a big hole - fill it with ashes - and put peas along the sides. When the elephant comes to take a pea/pee you kick him in the ash-hole.
this joke was edited for content
Why are volkswagen beetles illegal in Africa?
Coz elephant will chase anything with a trunk in the front!