What does a one-eyed cat say?
\pirate voice\ meARRRRRR
What’s blackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhite
A nun falling down stairs
An oldie but goodie from my childhood…
What’s black and blue and goes ding dong?
A bruised up Avon lady
What does a 150-pound canary say?
CHIRP!
What’s blackandwhiteandblackandwhiteandblackandwhite…
Well, thank you swampbear, I’m now going to hell for laughing at that. But I’ll be chuckling along the way.
what do you call a ghost that’s a chicken?
a poultrygeist
My favorite from the bad jokes thread before the Winter of Our Missed Content:
What’s ET short for?
'cause he’s got little legs!
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupt…MOO!
What’s in water that puts fires out?
Any idea?
C’mon-it’s obvious!
Give up yet?
Fire Boats!
{danceswithcats, I can’t decide whether I’m looking forward to meeting you at some PhillyDoperDinner or not… ;)}
How do you make antiseptic?
Rub dung into her wounds.
Two flies were on a toilet seat. One left. Why?
It got pissed off.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
So I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”. He said “How flexible are you?”. I said “I can’t make Tuesdays”.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac (asphalt) under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.
Did you hear that the Empire State Building is only 48 floors? They would have made it 49, but that’s another story.
(Um, Rapunzel, this particular stateside Doper doesn’t get the “popped her clogs” joke. Obviously it’s a euphemism, but I have no idea for what.)
Today’s (oops! yesterday’s) stand-up’s joke a day calendar: “Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.” (Dave Attell)
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft,it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
So I said “Do you want a game of Darts?”, he said “OK then”, I said “Nearest to bull starts”. He said “Baa”, I said “Moo”, he said “You’re closest”.
You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said “Did you get my drift?”.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said “I want to make a complaint,this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said “Those are pickled onions”.
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought “he’s trying to pull a fast one”.
But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a Red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.
This bloke says to me, “Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?”. I thought “That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness”.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said “You remind me of a pepper-pot”, I said “I’ll take that as a condiment”.
And I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought “That’s a turtle disaster”.
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says “Oi - get out! We don’t want your type in here”
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal.” The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they’re twins.If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
[sub]at last, a use for all the shitty jokes my brother emails me[/sub]
So this duck walks into a bar. He hops up onto a stool and says “Hey barkeep! Ya got any grapes?”
The bartender replies “Grapes? No we don’t have any grapes. Get out of here.”
The next day, the duck walks back into the bar.
“Hey barkeep! Ya got any grapes?”
“No, I don’t have any grapes! Get out of here!”
The next day, the duck walks into the bar again.
“Hey barkeep! Ya got any grapes?”
“I told you we don’t have any grapes. And if I see your feathered butt in here again, I’m gonna nail your webbed feet to the bar!”
The next day, the duck walks back into the bar.
“Hey barkeep! Ya got any nails?”
“What? NO I don’t have any NAILS!”
“Ya got any grapes?”
Thanks to Mikey for this one.
Believe it or not, I saw/heard Brando do this one on Johnny Carson:
B: Knock knock
C: Who’s there?
B: Banana
C: Banana who?
B: Knock knock
C: Who’s there?
B: Banana
C: Banana who?
B: Knock knock
C: Who’s there?
B: Banana
C: Banana who?
B: Knock knock
C: Who’s there?
B: Orange
C: Orange who?
B: Orange ya glad I didn’t say banana?
And THE BEST knock knock joke:
A: Wanna hear a good knock-knock joke?
B: Yeah!
A: Say “knock knock”
B: Knock knock
A: Who’s there?
my son came home with this one… drove me crazy
I was really busy…he says mom, i bet you can’t name three cars that start with p…
so i thought and said plymouth, pontiac…and i couldnt think of the last car… it was driving me crazy cuz he wouldnt tell me the punch line til i did… soooo i ended up calling my dad…and he though of porche. So i went back to my son, and proudly said plymouth, pontiac and porche. My son NO mom … none of them start with p…they all start with gas. grrrrr
one more…what did the mother buffalo say to her son when he left for his first day of school?
bi-son
What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A friggin’ stick.
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says “Hey, pal, why the long face?”
A baby rock is complaining to his mother that he’s too small and shy. His mother says “Don’t worry son, someday you’ll be a little boulder.”
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
'ell if I know.
Grizzly bear walks into a bar and says “Give me a scotch…and soda”. Bartender says, “Sure, pal, but what’s with the big pause?” Bear says “I dunno, had 'em all my life”.
Yer welcome Salem 
Now let me make sure hell’s really hot for ya:
What’s black and white and blue all over?
The same nun the day after she fell down the stairs.