[old man on Family Guy]
Hello there. Just wonderin where my paper boy is. Hoping he could come over and deliver my newspaper. Call me.
[/old man on Family Guy]
"Hey, Rue, me again. I have it on ‘Good Authority’, fifth race to win.
You never told me “Fat-Armed Archie” was a Monty Python fan! We did the whole "she’s a witch, burn her!’, except we were using your name, 'cause he started it by mumbling something about ‘build a bridge outta Rue’. Does this man never trim his nose hairs? It’s horrible, but fascinating, the way it flutters over his harelip.
Call me back about the 'Hall/Hannah" thing. Post time is real soon."
I can’t resist:
“Uh, yes, Ms. Pan? This is, uh, Detective Everybody, down here at the station. We’ve got your boyfriend Homestar here, and, uh, he’s dead. We th-we killed him, because he was so stupid, that we had to shoot him to keep him from being even more stupid.”
Marzipan’s Answering Machine #2.
Mr. DeDay? This is Gwinnie at Doggie-Do. We’ve finished grooming your poodle. You can pick him up any time before six.
Hello. This message is for Katcha and Soupo. Long time no talk, boys. This is Number One.
Soupo: Sorry this message is so late, but great job on the Valentine’s Day sick-out. Remember that for Mom and Dad’s anniversary, too. It’s a huge aphrodisiac. Bwahahahahaha!
Katcha: Hope you’re keeping those not-so-funny jokes coming. Those will drive 'em nuts quicker than snot through a fist.
In any case, keep the faith, boys. Down with Dad! Make Mom mutter!
This has been a Kids Reap Untold Destruction Network message and will self-destruct in five seconds.
Hello? Mr Deday?
This is the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta.
It is vitally important that you return this call as soon as possible.
[sub]Oh my GOD! What is THAT![/sub]
Call us back right now!
click
“Rue, forget about Moongate Rainbow Magical Lollipop Pony. in the third. Sudden on-set diabetes. ‘Fat-Armed Archie’ said it was probably the name. And why didn’t you tell me you and Archie used to work in a garden-supply shop together? He made you sound like some kind of idiot, said you always ended up on the wrong side of the turf. Said it was a family-owned business, and you were the chef. At least I think that’s what he said: something about cookbooks or cooking books, you know how he stutters when he gets agitated and then his index finger starts twitiching. I know it’s silly, but I can’t get this image of hot, soggy books with the pages stuck all together. Call me!”
Hello. It’s me, I see you are allowing your answering machine to get the phone again. You really should start paying bills. Well call me when you get a chance, you know the number, I am at work. Oh yes, I heard your doctor was talking to you at the bar again last nite, just thought you should know. Bye.
Hey, yeah, well. So I’m going to be gone and I wanted to talk to you first. But I can’t because you’re not there, or you’re not picking up the phone. Either way, you’re going to miss out on a good deal, but I’m not going to count you in unless I talk to you first. So if you’re there, pick up. Come on, man, I’ve been calling all day and I know you’re never gone this long. You’re there and I’m telling you, you are going to be mad when I get back with this and you don’t get any. Answer the phone, buddy, I’m leaving in like 5 minutes, so if I hang up you better call me right away or that’s it. Once I’m out ofthe house, you can’t reach me, you’ll want to get in touch, tell me how you want to do this and then for weeks I’ll have to listen to you moan and cry about me going and not bring any back for you but that’s your loss, buddy, 'cuz you could pick up right now and we could get this done. That’s it. I’m hanging up. None for you.
Rue–Yeah, well, I’m on the road. Call me on my cell and let me know how much you want. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll just do like we did last time.
“Rue, are you putting in a second tape on the machine soon, or what?! I think you’re gonna need it.”
"Oh, hi, Rue. Guess you’re not in. Um, I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry. I, uh, shoudln’t have said it, and, um, I really shouldn’t have said it so loudly. I know you were embarrassed.
So, yeah, call some time and we can talk it over, okay?"
Hey, Rue, it’s me. Someone here wants to talk to you.
(muffled) OK, sweetie, here’s the phone. Say hi to Uncle Rue! Can you say hi? No, no, don’t eat the phone. Say hi! Say hi! No, no, don’t cry! C’mon, honey. Just say hi - that’s all. Then you can have a cookie. No, say hi to Uncle Rue then I’ll give you a cookie. Say hi, baby. Hiiiiii! Say hi!
Um, forget it Rue, I’ll call ya tomorrow. Bye!
“Okay, Rue, I’m going with the ones you gave me. And ‘Fat-Armed Archie’ said he’s going somewhere later, said he needs to get some ‘special shoes’. I offered to drive him to the mall, what with his bad eye and all, but he needs you to go with him, something about getting measured. I hope I didn’t ruin a birthday surprise for you or something. I’ll let you know the race results later.”
hi, This Is Rick Talksalot From Krud, 99.69 On The Fm Dial Calling To Give Away One Million Dollars But It Looks Like We Don’t Have A Winner. Sorry Charlie, Better Luck Next Time.
“Hey Rue! I, er we, yeah, that’s it, we won! We won, we won, we won!!! Fly on down to Rio and collect your winnings. I’ll be on the beach waiting for you. I’ll send you a postcard. Give me your address, and that way ‘Fat-Armed Archie’ can get in touch with you, too. He really wants to talk over old times with you, but lost contact with you after you went into an extended care home. He was mumbling something about you being in a ‘witless protection program’. Anyway, hope things work out with you and him. And thanks for the tips. Glad I got mom’s retirement account back after all the day-trading ‘help’ you gave me. Oops, reminds me, “Vinnie the Bug” wanted to know “howze you wuz doin’?”. He wants your address too. He said you and he used to work at a laundromat cleaning dirty dollar bills before they went to the banks. He lost touch with you after he went to the big house and you went on the lamb. So did he own the farmhouse and you were just the hired help? Silly Rue, you have had some of the weirdest jobs I’ve ever heard of. Drop me a card, got a plane to catch. Ciao.”
Hey Rue. Just wanted to drop you a line and tell you about my weekend. This crazy thing happened. I asked this old guy on the street what the meaning of life was and he gave me the most amazing answer. It was like everything clicked into place, I could see clearly, think clearly, remember clearly. It was possibly the most amazing moment of my life. All he said was, "Well, what you gotta do click
Uh, Rue? It’s lightingtool again. Listen, I think your machine cut me off. Give me a call sometime, and I’ll tell you the secret. My number is 783-674-6 click
“Hey Rue, not to bug you again, but I never did find out why they called him ‘Fat-Armed Archie’. I mean, his left leg is three inches shorter than the right, but both of his arms look norm…uh…never mind.”
Uncle Rue! Uncle Rue!
This is soooo cool!
This is Dabny. You know how me and Jimmy are all about Trading Spaces and all? Right? Well we tried to get on their show like a bunch of times, you know? Well they Called! But they said they didn’t like do trailers and stuff, so we figured that well you were gone for the weekend and stuff, you know, so we tok them to your house and like told them it was our house and we got Hildy! And she did this awesome Goth living room for you and like even painted your piano red and black with like skulls and everything. Wait ‘til ou get home! It is sooo awesome!
Gotta go!
See you soon Unc!