Ladies, what makes a guy desirable?

In My Humble Opinion
1

When you walk into a room, what makes you take notice of a guy and say “wow, I want to get to know him”? To me there seem to be guys who have to put forth very little (or no) effort when it comes to trying to get women. All they really have to do is be in the room.

For whatever reason, I don’t have the quality. A friend told me that “you have to make them think they don’t stand a chance with you.” Well when I try to do that by just sitting back with a don’t care attitude, I get absolutely no attention from girls. On the off chance that I do ever talk to a girl, I never leave that “wow” impression on them. Later they may recall “Who? Oh, that guy.” or “He’s pretty nice, I guess.” So if I find a girl I like I usually have to continually beat them over the head with reminders that I exist and that just makes me come off as overbearing and needy. But I don’t really know how else to make an impression. I just don’t seem to be the kind of guy most girls my age want, at least not physically, and let’s not bullshit here, that’s the first thing anyone notices. :frowning:

What would it take for girls to notice? For girls to say “wow”?

2

For me, it’s an overall look…confidence, interest, clothes.

Pay attention and listen…ask questions about the topic she is discussing…i.e. “What a great party!” you: “how do you know the host/hostess?” opposed to just saying, “yeah”.

3

As a female, I have asked myself “Self, what does it take to wow a roomful of guys?” and I have answered myself, “Boobs.” So that’s no help. On the other hand, I don’t really need to wow a roomful of the opposite sex, so long as I do okay with the ones I deal with one on one. And I do. All I can give you is that tired old advice, Be Yourself, and the sort of girl who appreciates the kind of guy you happen to be will notice.

Ah crap. I got nothin’. Perhaps it will help if I tell you that I like physical types of all kinds…if it’s got humor and intelligence and kindness, I want it.

4

What interests me about a man one day might be completely different the next. A quiet brooding artist can do it for me at lunch time and by dinner I’m interested in the class clown.

5

–Eye contact
–Being interested in me and your surroundings (or at least pretending to be)
–Being interesting (tell me about yourself–don’t confuse this with “talk only about yourself”)
–Displaying a sense of humor
–Appreciating MY sense of humor
–Feeling comfortable in your own skin and with who you are (and this is not the same as being comfortable in your surroundings)
–Being able to initiate a conversation, or keep one afloat. (I get tired of being the one who will take the next verbal step. “That’s a very interesting tie,” I say. “Yeah…um…it is,” you say. Not good. How about, “Thank you. My Aunt Dotty got it for me because she knows how much I like purple kites. I used to fly them as a kid. blah, blah, blah,” you could say.)
–And for crying out loud, don’t apologize for everything or make excuses (“I’m not too outgoing”, “I don’t usually attend parties like this”, etc.)

6

The guys I want to get to know on first sight…? They’re off in a corner with their nose in a Bruce Sterling novel, or else busy arguing with their friends about who’s the best Star Trek captain ever.* More generally, I’d rather get to know a guy if it’s clear we have interests in common and could enjoy talking about them.

*bonus points if it’s Picard

7

It’s the confidence thing. You have to be there because you want to be there, because you enjoy being there - talking to people, meeting people - and not because you thought you might meet someone and wow them. You have to be interested in the other people, but not in a scary, needy sort of way. You have to be able to write off rejection and disinterest as nothing personal, that person just didn’t sync with you - no harm, no foul.

After that, for me, what makes a guy sexy is his brain and what he does with it. Does he engage me in a conversation or just stare at my boobs, or does he ignore me entirely because I don’t have Britney Spears’ body? Does he laugh at my jokes and then run with them? Can he talk about a subject that interests him and relay his enthusiasm without getting weird about it?

And yeah, along with that, there has to be some physical attraction, but what I’ve found is that unless the guy falls outside a very broad range of physical types - so obese he can’t move easily, so short he’s starting at my belly button, so skinny he looks like a meth addict - if I like his brain, I will find some physical aspect of him that attracts me.

8

There are probably as many answers to that as there are ladies who say “wow” about guys.

For me, there are two kinds of wow. There’s “Wow, that guy has a good barber and knows how to dress” and there’s “Wow, I met someone smart and funny and he didn’t interupt when I was talking. I’d like to spend more time with him.”

It’s hard to get the second kind just by walking into a room. And I’m not going to walk up to you and offer the second kind if your demeanor isn’t inviting whether you got the first kind or didn’t.

I don’t have a “physical type” though I know some people really do. For me there are little things I notice like clean, unchewed fingernails but that doesn’t mean I won’t talk to you if you bite your nails.

When you say “let’s not bullshit here” I take that to mean, “yeah, be friendly, be myself, but how do I get the women to come over in the first place when they seem to be flocking to the guy I described in the first paragraph?” You say that guy doesn’t have to put forth any effort to “get women.” To get women to what? Have a deep and lasting friendship, or like his shirt? Do you want to be with a woman who would like you or not like you based solely on appearance. Yeah when we’re not bullshitting we have to admit that appearance does factor into it but for many of us it’s not easy to define in what way. I’ll tell ya this: I notice good posture. What a guy wears isn’t as important as how - wait, no bullshit, right? If you’re wearing a “Free Moustache Rides” t-shirt anyplace other than the laundromat I might write you off pretty quickly - but what you wear should be clean and fit well.

The things however, that will make me hunt down a pen to give you my phone number are the things already mentioned such as humor, sincerity, and confidence. Common interests go a long way too, but unless you have them tattooed on your forehead I won’t know about them until we’ve talked.

9

Of course I want a girl who likes me for my personality, but the point I was trying to make is that they may never even take the opportunity to learn my personality because they will go right for the good looking guys and get to know them instead.

Ultimately it’s what’s inside that really counts, but the problem with that is it takes time to discover. You have to get them interested in you initially before you’ll even have the opportunity to share your feelings and inner traits. And if they swoon over someone else first…well forget it, I just feel like I no longer stand a chance and probably wouldn’t even bother anymore at that point.

10

Confidence.

11

Interested is always attractive to me: I like people that are interested in the world around them and have something to say.

Being already in a conversation helps a lot–somebody that is already having a good time/likes where they are is a lot more attractive than someone who seems to be waiting for someone to come along and amuse them. I don’t want someone else’s entertainment to be my responsibility–that’s pressure.

12

You could try wearing an enormous codpiece. :slight_smile:

Seriously, speaking as a guy who’s slightly less clueless about women than he used to be, my best advice to you (and to myself) is to give up the fantasy of being the kind of guy that women naturally approach, and start approaching them. If there’s a woman you wish would come talk to you, go over and talk to her. (And, if you can do this smoothly and confidently, which may take some practice, that can make you more attractive to women who see your smoothness and confidence.)

13

There is such a thing as a good “wow” and a bad “wow.” Observe:

“Wow, that guy was such an asshole.”

See, doesn’t that make everything clearer?

14

Well, if you’re talking about how to get women to approach/stay interested when you start talking to them, I would suggest eye contact. The thing that always works on me (even now when my boyfriend of a year does it) is when you make strong, serious eye contact for 1-2 seconds and then drop your eyes to the side, of course making sure that they don’t end up focused on my chest. I’ve met several men who seem to instinctively do this while speaking with me, and also while looking across the room at me, and it ALWAYS makes me want to get to know them.

It also helps if you have really dark interesting eyes, but anyone can do it. I used to use it on male customers at my old job to get my way, and it was very effective!

Of course, I like extremely confident men, (almost to the point where it’s annoying to others), so this may not attract all women.

15

Well I didn’t mean “wow” literally. Let’s say me and…oh, I dunno, Kevin, are at a party. We both happen to talk to a girl. The next day she’s talking to a friend.

Friend: So how about that party last night?
Girl: Oh my god, Kevin is so great. I hope I see him at the next party.
Friend: What about Fred?
Girl: Who? Oh, yeah. He’s pretty nice. I can’t wait to see Kevin again…

If Kevin is what draws her attention in the first place, it might not matter too much what each of us actually says to her (assuming Kevin’s not an outright asshole), because he’ll be the one she remembers and will actually take the initiative to see again. But if I go and try to talk to her again to remind her that, yes, I do still exist, I’m the one that stands the chance of coming off desperate and needy. And yet if I take a liking to this girl the same way she did for Kevin, I don’t stand a chance unless I remind her of my continued existence.

So…basically how do I become a Kevin and become the guy that she wants to pursue, rather than me pathetically chasing after her?

16

If you’re hearing this from kevin, take it with a grain of salt…and don’t be afraid to approach interesting looking women - or even watch them…find out what makes them interesting to you, then try to reflect that.

17

It’s easier to think of don’ts than dos.

Do:

Try to stand and chat in mixed groups. Not just guys. Not just you and some girls. It’s intimidating to me to join either of those groups.
Don’t:

Say inside jokes or codes other things that will exclude strangers (you’d be amazed how often this happens!)

Don’t shriek with laughter at your own jokes. Generally, if you’re really loud I’ll be really intimidated.

Don’t keep scanning the room while in conversation with someone. It makes me feel like the person is looking for someone better. Especially don’t do this, “Oh, there’s Heather. Oh, there’s Tim. Oh, there’s Molly. Oh, there’s Derek.” Chances are I don’t know them and have zero interest in them being pointed out to me. The corollary: Don’t stand around asking me who I know, because if I don’t know Molly, hearing you tell me that she’s cool or a bitch or anorexic is pretty pointless.

Don’t bail out. If you have to break off the conversation, give a reason and say, “Will you excuse me?” And, “I enjoyed meeting/talking with you. Can we talk some more in a little while/after this obligation/etc.” The most effective version of this was when I was at a party and the guy said, “I have to talk to that guy over there who just came in, but I’m really enjoying talking to you. Can I run over there and then bring you back something from the bar?” Of course, this doesn’t apply if the person is a complete tool.

Don’t wear too much cologne! GAH!

Don’t ask questions in a noisy environment that will require her to shout her life story. This is really really really annoying.

If you sit back with a don’t care attitude, I’ll assume that approaching you will bore you, so I won’t. Flitting about like a gadfly means that I’ll assume you have better things to do/too many things taking your attention, so I won’t approach you, either.

I haven’t dated in years, so some of this is hindsight of a most removed kind. Also, I can find nearly any man attractive if he gives me reason to.

18

Maybe you’re not a “Wow” type. I go “wow” over very few guys (well, men- I’m getting up there).

I may go “wow” privately and silently to myself is a guy is exceptionally good looking or KNOWS HOW TO DRESS, but mostly it’s confidence, and a curiosity about life that intrigues me.

I have no time to waste on guys who think they are “cool” or look disdainful about their surroundings. Those guys bore me.

19

Confidence and not laughing like a hyena at your own jokes is a good start. (Not saying that you do this - I just know someone who does this. Who my mom is trying to set me up with. yeech.)

20

Your mom is trying to set you up with Tom Cruise?