Last night my toilet got clogged. This happens once a month or so, whenever the puny excuse for a waste removal system chokes on a decent sized turd. The superintendant of my building (who is a great guy) takes it in stride and admits that it’s a problem with many of the toilets in the building. I leave a note on his door that my toilet is broken again, and I am confident that he will clandestinely enter my apartment while I am at work the next day to fix it.
This is all well and good. I have gone through this ritual many times.
The last time, it also got clogged at night. I had to pee in the morning, but I held it until I got to work and used the toilet there. This time, I felt the urge around 2:00 AM, and it didn’t stop. I tossed and turned fruitlessly trying to stave off the inevitable. I held my eyes closed and tried to sleep. I couldn’t. I turned the air conditioning on. (I still have no idea why, it was fairly warm but I usually don’t turn the A/C on unless it’s swealtering.) I got back in bed and curled into a pathetic fetal position.
The Urge intensified. I had to piss or I would not be able to sleep. But my toilet was broken. On previous occasions I had patronized establishments like Burger King for the express purpose of using their toilet, but even in Queens nothing was open this late. I had to come to a decision. At 3:30 AM, I made it. I knew what I had to do.
I was going to piss off the balcony.
Now, it would be a lie to say I had pissed off balconies before. I never have; in fact, I have very little experience pissing off things other than my bathroom floor when pointed at the toilet. I never felt compelled to participate in Pissing Contests as a young man, and consequently had not learned the valuable lessons one inevitably does while partaking in such infantile behavior.
I walked out on the balcony, naked as the day I was born. It was night and everything was dark, so nobody could see me. I made sure I would not arouse suspicion. I peaked over the rail at my neighbors to the left. Their light was still on, better not go near them. I peaked at my neighbors to the right…good, their light is off.
My terrace has a wonderful view of the parking lot, so I wanted to make sure I didn’t evacuate on someone’s automobile. Luckily, there was an empty spot directly beneath the right side of my terrace. I selected that as my target. I stepped up to the railing and let loose, and immediately noticed something was wrong. I had forgotten to aim my penis through the railing’s vertical bars, and had pissed directly on one of the bars, causing splashback. I pinched off immediately; no easy task when one has already started urinating, and assessed the situation.
Thankfully, no piss had landed on me. I re-aimed my penis and commenced urination. It was then that I discovered my most grievous error.
I did not account for the wind.
I accidentally pissed directly on some guy’s windshield.
From five floors up.
I didn’t notice until the first wave started splattering on the windshield, and by then it was too late to adjust the course of the fifty-foot long stream in mid-flight. I immediately thought I should adjust my aim, but realized this would be impossible without physically stepping back from the balcony to thread my penis through a different part of the railing. Further, it was impossible to cut off the supply at this point, so I gave up, and finished the job. A good 80% of it landed on this poor dude’s windshield.
I really hope, for his sake, that it rains today.
