The classic: If it sounds too good to be true, it most definitely is.
If you’re not a ‘morning person,’ getting a job that requires you to be there at 5am is eventually not going to work out.
Corollary: If you have to be at work at 5am, don’t go to bed at 2am. You’ll regret it.
Being your own boss sounds great but it’s a lot harder (and more tedious) than you think it’s going to be. Especially if you are a habitual procrastinator.
Another classic: The grass is always greener over there.
Bills don’t pay themselves and unpaid bills don’t magically disappear if you ignore them.
If you ‘forget’ to let your dog out to pee and poop, he’ll do it where he has to and he’s not the ‘bad’ one when he does.
Don’t keep eating like you’re a teenager when you’re not. It eventually catches up with you.
An idea is worthless if it doesn’t work in practice.
People care 99% about themselves and 1% about you. If you find someone that cares about you for more than 2%, try and keep that person around you.
Micheal Moore is a liar and an asshole.
When you are in charge of employees, do not let them slide on doing their work so that they won’t hate you.
Verbal communication is only a small part of communication.
When dealing with customers, you should know exactly what you are going to say to their most common questions. If a policy isn’t clear, ask your boss exactly what he wants you to do. If you don’t know what to do or say in advance, you’ll end up breaking the rules for them.
When people say “try and do your best”, the important part isn’t to do your best. It is to actually try and do something. I am not doing my best if I don’t try anything.
The New York Lotto doesn’t make money on winners.
Be very careful when mixing hard liquor.
Follow through on everything. You do not want to waste half a semesters worth of work by not reviewing the material the night before a midterm. You do not what to break only half a wooden board because you didn’t follow through on your punch.
When going commando, be extra fucking careful with the zipper.
If it takes you fifteen minutes to force your head into the curvy wooden decorations on the side of the rocking chair, you will have to wait about twice that long while Mom fetches the neighbor with the tools to get you out.
Even if it fits just right, do not push a raisin up your nostril. It will suck up moisture from your snot and swell back into a grape, and Mom will not let you have a lollipop from the basket at the pediatrician’s office because you should have known better, and it will be scary getting the grape out because the pediatrician uses giant tweezers.
If a co-worker you don’t particularly care for is patting you on the back, check for a knife.
Pay attention to the feeling that something isn’t right. It helped generations of your ancestors survive hostile environments, it will work for you too.
There is such a thing as karma, and it will Fuck. You. Up!
If your friend believes that the government orchestrated and carried out 9/11, don’t bother trying to talk him out of it. Never but never argue with insanity.
There’s no such thing as starting over, because your past is really all you have at the moment. The best thing to do is reconcile yourself with it and face the future, because with the fact that there’s no such thing as starting over comes the fact that however much you run away, you’ll never get away.
Even though the semester is almost over and you have the text on CDRom do not resell the hard copy of the book. You’ll discover that at least one of the files on the CDRom is corrupt. That file is needed to answer short essay questions and take a quiz and is on the final. Keep all materials for your classes until after you’ve taken the final. (I learned this one just yesterday.)
Another one I learned today: Never ever trust the person at the drive-thru window to place the lid on your drink properly. You will end up with a lap covered in ice cream and chocolate.
Cats don’t change. She peed on your bed last time you let her in your room, she’ll do it again if you give her a chance.
No matter how desensitized you think you are, you can find something on the internet that will break your brain.
Salesmen will always try to get something from you.
Always backup your files before you do anything to the hard drive. Even if you think you’re formatting the other hard drive. shudder
If you think your computer is dying, back up everything. Even if it means you have to use a whole package of CDs. (Well, that’s actually a lesson my sister should’ve learned)
And one for my classmates: The amount of detail you add should be proportionate to the amount of time you have. It’s better to be done and it to be simpler, than not to finish.
Check for yourself whether the circuit breaker is off before cutting wires. Don’t take someone else’s word for it. And ALL wire cutters should have insulated handles.
Never look over your shoulder when riding a bicycle down a steep, winding road at 40 mph.
When the woman says “don’t pick up the mountain lion cub,” it’s a good idea not to pick up the mountain lion cub.
If you’re in an area with a large Mexican population and the Mexican restaurant you walk into has no Mexicans in it, don’t eat there. Obviously, you can substitute pretty much any ethnic group for “Mexican” in that sentence.
If you’ve never heard of the drink someone’s ordering you, ask what it is before drinking it.
If you’re going to throw a handful of dried red chili peppers into a food processor, you’d better have some really, really good ventilation in that room.
Along those lines, if a hair color says “temporary,” don’t believe it, or you may find yourself wearing costume-party-colored hair for six freakin’ weeks.
If the Chinese or Japanese place you just walked in only offers tea as teabags, it’s probably not a good place to eat. (I’ve never actually had this problem at Chinese places. Twice so far at sushi places).
