tequila does not make me invincible.
you should always avoid putting any part of your body in a deep fryer. I only have experience with hands.
Don’t hire or date anyone crazier than you.
Yes, you can get poison ivy in February, in upstate New York. At least around Schenectady you can.
Don’t smoke!
The urushiol that causes the allergic reaction is still present in the dead leaves and vines all winter. Additionally, it can persist for up to three years on clothing that has previously come into contact with poison ivy and not been washed. For instance, on leather gloves used for cutting and hauling wood.
The other poison ivy tidbit I learned firsthand - mangoes are related to poison ivy. If you’re allergic to ivy, you should at the very least avoid mango skins (which contain urushiol) if not mangoes altogether. 
Seconded.
Backup your important files. Backup all of your files. Back them up again.
You know how in the movies, people can climb out of windows of moving cars and onto the roof? That doesn’t work.
If you just stop your car, and the radiator cap is very, very hot and very hard to turn, don’t open the radiator cap with your face one foot away from it.
If your fiancee schedules a weekend scuba diving trip to Mexico on the one weekend you absolutely can’t accompany her, and she goes with an old college friend who’s … aw, fuck it. You know how this ends.
Just tell the truth. No matter what trouble you are trying to avoid, it will be nowhere near as bad as the trouble you will create for yourself by lying.
Don’t ignore the check engine light on your car. I’m still paying for that one.
When you move into a new home try to find out what type of pets the neighbors have.
Beer and Religious debate do not mix well together.
I can vouch for that one. And especially don’t believe it if you have a job interview the following week. (Yes, I had to turn up for the interview with pink hair, and yes, I’m male.)
There’s a funny story behind that, I’m sure. Can it be found on the Dope? If not, why not? 
RAM modules cannot be hot-swapped.
In certain circumstances, damaged RAM modules can be diagnosed by a faint odor of burnt plastic.
If you have a 2 ft. long braid hanging from the side of your head, don’t turn the vacuum cleaner upside down to see if the beater bar is going around.
No no no. Learn to lie and lie well. Lying is an essential life-skill. As is knowing when to lie and when to tell the truth.
:eek:
Learn enough to know what you don’t know. If your knowledge is from something someone in your family did ten years ago, keep your mouth shut.
For god’s sake, use pseudonyms on your online blogs. ALWAYS. Even if you don’t think the people you’re writing about will ever, ever ever, EVER get ahold of it.
There may be some place where someone actually wants to give you something for nothing. But you won’t find it on this planet.
Life isn’t fair, get over it.
When you throw the left, be prepared to throw the right.
99 outta hunnert she’s gonna pick her momma over you.
You can make up for skill with power, but not for very long.
And, as a correlation to the “hot/sane” and “fast/cheap” offerings, allow me to post Scrappy’s Third Rule:
*Stick.
Move.
Pick BOTH. BOTH. BOTH!!!* :smack:
Yes it does! Yes it does!!!
OK, no, it doesn’t.
Because that’s the secret- why you payin’ for it’s the REAL question.
It takes skill to throw a boomerang and actually have it return. This can, however, occasionally happen through sheer luck. Always be aware of this possibility so you can know whether to duck.
My friend actually learned that the hard way and has the scar to prove it.
Average but hard-working will always beat smart but lazy.
It’s much better to learn from someone else’s mistakes. 
True; and of course, this goes two ways: you have to give strangers the chance to earn your trust.
Don’t drink and internet shop. Especially on itunes.