[QUOTE=pinkfreud]
Do not use booze in an attempt to drown your sorrows:
All sorrows can float.
Several can tread water.
Some can swim.
And a few can even perform CPR on their fellow sorrows.
[/QUOTE]
LOLIRL! This deserves to be immortalized on a plaque and hung in every bar and pub.
Every one is farked up in their own special way.
In general it is a good idea to send in your bills before the end of the month, but not if that month is the end of the quarter and the GST/PST on that bill alone is far in excess of the cash you have on hand. No matter how badly you want that enormous, enormous cheque.
Never hang out with sloppy-drunk people, no matter how cute they are. The achievement of sloppy-drunk means the evening is over.
Never go into a discotheque by yourself saying “I’ll just dance and have a good time.” You will not just dance and have a good time. Good times in a discotheque require the presence of at least one person you know (and whose company you enjoy). Attempting to have a good time by yourself will cause you to become morose, miss the last metro, and go home at 1 a.m. out many dollars and completely disgusted.
If you are an average-looking male, someone is groping you, and you’re not in the Village, they’re probably picking your pocket. Do not just stand there and enjoy it. :eek: :smack:
When practicing with throwing knives, always wear safety-toed shoes.
You can’t see infrared (at least not if you are human). Lots of things that are hot look the same as they do when they’re cool.
Graduate school isn’t much like undergrad. If the reason you’re thinking of going to graduate school is to continue the lifestyle you had as an undergrad, or because you’re scared of the different lifestyle you might have if you went out into the real world and got a job, you’re going to be disappointed. Go to grad school only if you know you need the graduate degree for a specific job you want, or if you really love the subject and can’t bear to not be doing it.
Amen to this! Fortunately, I got to learn this one by watching other people make this mistake. 99% of the time, you’ll get a higher grade in physics lab if you make a reasonable effort and turn in your lab reports on time than you will if you try to make them perfect and end up turning in all your lab reports at the end of the semester. TA’s hate grading late papers, and your grade will show it if you make your TA do something s/he hates to do.
Don’t whiz on… the electric fence!
[QUOTE=Anne Neville]
Don’t whiz on… the electric fence!
[/QUOTE]
In my slight defense I didn’t know it was there.
More specifically, I knew there was an electric fence around the property, just not that it was on the other side of that particular bush.
Here’s another one: Gaudere’s Law doesn’t just apply on the SDMB. When writing a book review that criticizes the book for its sloppy editing, it’s virtually guaranteed that you’ll make a mistake.
[QUOTE=Dung Beetle]
fingers in ears La la la la la la la…kitty!
[/QUOTE]
Yeah, that’s pretty much what I did. Paid for it, though. The squirmy little thing twisted around, sunk its teeth in my hand, and raked my bare arm with its back claws. Luckily, it was just playing, not really attacking.
When it came right down to it, I was more embarrassed than hurt.
Give your family the same respect and courtesy you would give to strangers.
Everyone on the planet knows more than you do on at least one topic - and it’s often the topic you would least expect.
Disagrees with you doesn’t equal stupid.
Haven’t learned it doesn’t equal stupid.
Not fascinated with that subject doesn’t equal stupid.
No matter what you screw up today, the sun will still come up tomorrow.
And the corollary; When the sun comes up, yesterday is gone.
Wherever you go, there you are.
[QUOTE=Ducktail]
It takes skill to throw a boomerang and actually have it return. This can, however, occasionally happen through sheer luck. Always be aware of this possibility so you can know whether to duck.
[/QUOTE]
I actually learned this lesson on a trip to Australia. With my friend standing next to me, I gave my new boomerang a nice, hard throw, and it soared away and high into the air. Then it started coming right back at us, very fast. At the same moment, my friend and I went, “oh crap, it’s coming back!” and dove to the ground. Not one of our more dignified moments.
Children have a longer reach than you’d imagine, even if they haven’t yet figured out how to climb on the kitchen counter.
Listening is an invaluable skill. Cultivate it and it’ll help you immensely personally and professionally.
Time is truly priceless.
Don’t chop bulky things with a shiny new sharp knife. And if you must, start slowly until you have the feel of your new knife. You might lose part of your pinky and have to go to the hospital to get a tetanus shot (not that I’m speaking from experience or anything).
Getting barfed on is thoroughly disgusting (and if you have long hair, you’ll smell it for days), but you’ll let it happen without a whimper once you have kids or if your SO is in dire straits and misses.
No matter how careful you are going to be, you DO still need to turn off the electricity first before you mess with that outlet.
[QUOTE=overlyverbose]
Getting barfed on is thoroughly disgusting (and if you have long hair, you’ll smell it for days), but you’ll let it happen without a whimper once you have kids…
[/QUOTE]
…because it’s easier to wash yourself than your carpet/ furniture.
[QUOTE=fessie]
…because it’s easier to wash yourself than your carpet/ furniture.
[/QUOTE]
Too true!
That’s why when your kids are sick with a barfing disease, no matter the hour, you just sit on the bathroom floor or in the tub until they’re empty.
If you have leftover screws after a job, save them,
Always save string.
remember: Life looks rosier when you are viewing through the bottom of a glass!
[QUOTE=matt_mcl]
Never go into a discotheque by yourself saying “I’ll just dance and have a good time.” You will not just dance and have a good time. Good times in a discotheque require the presence of at least one person you know (and whose company you enjoy). Attempting to have a good time by yourself will cause you to become morose, miss the last metro, and go home at 1 a.m. out many dollars and completely disgusted.
[/QUOTE]
Heh, Morrissey was right.
Never trust a man who makes a big deal out of a small act of chivalry.
If you’re dyeing your hair, and your hair is short, first smear vaseline all around your hairline, especially on your neck.
When working with children, wash your hands every single fucking time before you touch something that’s going into your mouth or eyes. Lather for at least 20 seconds before rinsing.
In the words of a Doper pithier than I: If you want your girlfriend to be different, get a different girlfriend. Substitute “girlfriend” with whatever’s appropriate.
Never criticize food (in line or at your table) at a pot-luck. Inevitably the chef of said dish will be right behind/across from you.
Do not share your appreciation of the hot young chick across the room with a guy you don’t know- it will be her dad/brother/boyfriend.
Write down the number you are faxing to before you walk across the office to the fax. By the time you remember if this machine needs “9” for outside line, that it needs a “1” for longdistance, etc. you will forget the last four digits of the number. Repeated trips back to your desk to look at the number have absolutely no impact on this phenomena. Write it down.
The taxi ride is always cheaper and less dangerous than driving with any amount of buzz.
Never loan money or a vehicle to friends or family. Give them a ride from here to Timbuktu, take them where they need to go and buy them what they need, consider it a gift and be pleasantly surprised if repayed, but do not expect it, especially do not bank on it.
If you have lost your last three buy-ins, the fourth one is not likely to win it all back for you. You are never “past due” for a big pay-off, only past due to go home.
When changing a baby boy’s diaper, open the new diaper and lay it across the fount there as a shield until you’re ready to fasten it in place. By no means is this a good time to make funny faces with your face close in and mouth wide open.
Do not be a confidant for someone who tells everyone their “secrets”, it WILL get out eventually and you will inherently be a suspect.
Defying the system by refusing to comply will not exonerate you from said system’s repercussions. The IRS does not forgive and they do not forget.
Seeing an author’s name “everywhere” at used bookstores and garage sales does not mean they are popular and/or worth trying. It means a lot of people want rid of their books.
Do not take your wallet canoeing.
Pyramid schemes are all crap.
Use sunscreen.
[QUOTE=Mr. Rosewater]
Never drink anything unless you know what is in it. This particularly applies to college parties with ‘punch’.
[/QUOTE]
Agreed. Especially if they’re serving “electric lemonade”, and switch from Rum to Everclear in the middle of the night without telling anybody. :smack:
Speaking of which…
Everclear is NOT intended to be consumed straight-up in a shot glass.
(and a lesson that a “friend” of mine learned)
Do not give a shotglass of Everclear to someone double your size and tell him it’s vodka.
[QUOTE=pantheon]
Defying the system by refusing to comply will not exonerate you from said system’s repercussions. The IRS does not forgive and they do not forget.
[/QUOTE]
Shortly after I got married, we started getting calls from a bill collector. My wife refused to allow me to answer them, saying that she was taking care of it, it was all a mistake, the usual litany of LIES that destroyed everything in the end.
One day she’s not home and I answer. Turned out that she had maxed out her credit card to the tune of over $6,000 shortly before our wedding (telling me that the time that she owed “between $1,000 and $1,500”) and was now failing to make minimum payments.
When I spoke to her about it, her answer was;
They being mean to me by not letting me use my credit card anymore, so I’m punishing them by refusing to make full payments.
:eek:
No matter how much I explained how they’re a big corporation and they’re not impressed by this, how credit cards work, how she was only destroying her credit rating and that this tactic would never work, she insisted that this was what she was doing, period. That she would NOT make a full payment until such time as they let her use the card again.
(A month later I sold my house and paid it off in full.)
Why yes, she is insane. She’s on SSDI for Mental Illness.