Please all the people all the time.
A soft tomato turneth away wrath.
Love, Phil
I’ve always wanted to try this;
Wear black suit pants, neatly pressed. Black shoes, spit shined. Black socks. Hair very short and pin neat, combed and sprayed. No facial hair. Black wrap around sunglasses. Ear bud leading down to your front pocket, Motorola walkie-talkie, cellphone.
…and a black t-shirt reading “Not an Agent of a Secret Government Organization”
Walk through and around the radical anti-government or Environmental Extremist March, looking dead serious at all times. Occasionally stop, cock your head and touch your earbud. Turn and look at one of the organizers as you do so. Then proceed to walk over and shadow them for a while.
Hillarity Ensues.
Tickle the zombie to alleviate its craving for living flesh.
Fart loudly and follow it with convulsive laughter. This will impress your date.
The heaviest tools should hang over the edge of the top shelf. This will keep the shelves from wobbling. Be sure to test the stability of the shelves randomly and violently.
Stop abruptly when walking in crowded areas. This keeps others alert.
Don’t use turn signals. They spoil the surprise for other drivers.
Get a stamp that says “Vote Ron Paul 2008” and stamp it on all of your paper money. This will guarantee his victory.
Threaten to kill a coworker who reports your online porn on work computers, racist comments, and fraud to the boss. (This happened one time).
When you see a guy with a positron collider, slime him. (Had to keep the theme going).
If the monster is unconscious, seize the opportunity to get really close and examine its face.
hold a presidential election.
Keep on bumping this thread until the moderators get annoyed.
I’ll stop now. Don’t hurt me.
Ladle. Ladle ladle ladle.
Mix comet and bleach to tackle those really pesky stains.
Once more into the breach, dear friends!
Got a bald spot ? There’s a simple solution; strap a cat on your head. Everyone’s happy; the cat gets a warm spot to lie on, your unsightly bald spot is covered, and lots of ladies like cats !
HEH! Lessee…
Djon
Meri
Pahl
Tsu
Peatre
Salee
Ylizibethe
Jeeorje
Mahthyu
Michah-El (pronounced with all three syllables)
Or better still, use bleach to sanitize your cat’s litter pan. In an enclosed space.
Seriously, it’s a sad commentary that being conquered by neo-colonial white racists would improve the condition of Zimbabwe 
Go ahead and ignore that pesky check engine light, everything will be fine.
You forgot little Varonuhkah.
Ask you SO to move in with you but continue to display your obvious wedding memorabilia from your dissolved marriage. Better yet - have your new SO display theirs as well, make a little shrine. Be sure to pay your respects to them - afterall, you wouldn’t be where you are today if it weren’t for them.
Speaking of love - if you’re given a choice of multiple potential love interests: Choose the crazy one at least one thousand miles away. LDRs are so much fun. They’ll be even more fun if you add industrial strength crazy to it!
Ooooh better yet, he or she should be married and have a child. Intense, heartbreaking drama makes for healthy relationships.
You’re a high-level executive at CBS, and you’ve been responsible, in a large amount, for their success in recent years.
Surely they won’t mind if you cut a deal with a guy who helped you in a scrape with mobsters.
Three programs without any pilot by this guy (who had never produced anything before)? We must think outside the box.
They all are large failure? Hey, not everything can be a hit.
You received favors from this guy, and they were able to trace it? What are they going to do with your record, fire you?
Well, they did, and your career never did recover.
Leave little cartoon booklets explaining the superiority of your religion conveniently placed on seats in libraries, buses, and malls. Religious conversion is such a rational, thought-driven process that passers-by, stunned by your logic, will flock to your cause. No-one will mock you or parody you.
That’s because Varonuhkah is actually a lesser-known Jewish holiday.
Found yourself a nice cheap hooker? Remember condoms are for cissys…