Remember, it always pays to be friendly to the police. So when one stops you on the road and walks to your car, step briskly out of your car and reach out to him for a big hug !
Put all your medications into one unlabelled container. No worries and “one stop” shopping for your next dose…afterall, how many round, white pills can there be?
Don’t bother to learn anything about your chronic condition.
Don’t remember your allergies–afterall, the body produces hives to tell you when you’re allergic, right?
Give your children conventional names with very unconventional spellings–you want them to stand out.
Tear down your house and rebuild a much bigger house on the same site. Don’t leave enough room on your lot to allow for a driveway to access your already existing stand alone garage/storage shed. Then ask your neighbors (us) if you can buy some of our land so that you can park your cars in your own garage. (true story).
Don’t bother wearing a seatbelt. In fact, argue against wearing a seatbelt despite the fact that you are 4’11" and weigh about 95 lbs, therefore at risk for becoming a projectile inside a smashing car. Extol the virtues of your position in front of your grandchildren, repeatedly–the lil buggers need to learn from Grandma.
Train your dog to only mind you. Don’t discipline it when it jumps or attacks/bites others, not even family members/small children. When confronted with this, state that said dog is the runt of a “bad litter” and therefore cannot control himself. (this was the family “pet” when I was growing up).
Paint ball games are somuch more intense when one of you has live ammo…
If you vadalize a local motorcycle’s club house, besure and leave a card, so they can thank you for your creative and thoughtful gift
A few amphetamines can replace a healthy breakfast
Rabid dogs- they just need a hug!
A frank and open discussion with your MIL will help. She has just been waiting to hear a list of her flaws.
Don’t bother to read the thread to see if your idea is already there. Post it anyway.
The plausible bad ideas are much funnier, especially those taken from personal experience.
I take it you mean coyotes will only get a scrap or two, as the buzzards would have gotten there long beforehand.
For adding that extra edge of realism to special effects, use real bullets and shoot to miss the actors. *
- Which as I understand it, they used to actually do. One excellent reason for having an actor’s union.
Run with scissors!
Get totally hammered at a company party and have a talk with the big boss.
Marry Lorena Bobbit and then cheat on her.
Tell everyone that you are willing to stay in Iraq for a hundred years.
Human-animal interactions…
Animals observe the alpha principal. When you see a strange dog, immediately run toward it and put your face right in front of it to show it you’re the boss. Teach your kids to do this at an early age so they don’t fear animals.
Just like in Peter Pan it’s perfectly safe to leave your pre-adolescent children alone at home for an evening with a large dog to babysit.
Going away for an extended trip? Dump the entire can of fish food in the aqaurium before you leave so the fish don’t go hungry.
Cats are so clean and fastidious you don’t need to worry about emptying the litterbox.
Finally have the money to get expensive new furniture, carpet and drapes? Why not complete the redecorating with a brand new puppy and kitten!
point out people’s careless mistakes–it’s a great way to make friends and influence people!
Cheat on your boyfriend (Tom) with a guy you meet (Mike) while in Germany for spring break. Once you get home, turn to Tom and ask, “How was your break, Mike?”
Then turn bright red, stammer and completely lose face. Tom will find all this funny and forgivable…
Express verbally your lust for the star center basketball player who is a senior, you a lowly sophomore. Yell just what you’d like to do with/to him from the bleachers-no worries, it won’t be heard over the roar of the crowd.
Feel a tap on your shoulder; turn around to see a middle aged woman looking daggers at you. She will then explain that the boy in question is her son. (true story–I was not the mom, but the girl).
Ask if any of this will be on the test.
Don’t study at all for that test. You’d benefit much more from a slow night of TV watching followed by a good night’s rest.
Mix lots of cocaine, with marijuana, a few exctasy pills, a few LSD tablets, drink a lot of alcohol, then have a little bit of heroin, have some ketamine and finish of with a bit of mescaline.
Then, while wearing a shirt that says “If your not on something, your on nothing”, go to a cop and ask “What’s up bitch?”
And why not follow that up with a clarification; yell to the son, “Hey ! Your Mom says she wants you to stay a virgin ! Sorry about the hot monkey sex offer !” Facilitate that mother-son communication !
Rubbish! Everyone knows that a hard night partying is the way to ace those exams!
You can always run faster scared than he can angry.
Never make backups of any of your data. Use ancient and unpatched software and ancient hardware for the system you’re not backing up. Additionally, click all of the links in emails promising cheap Viagra, Cialis, Phenteramine, and mortgages.
Accuse IBM, Autozone, and random people around the world of stealing your source code and ‘intellectual property’. Make the claims without a shred of evidence, and repeatedly refuse to provide evidence even after the judge almost tells you point blank that substantiating your claims would be a really good idea. Accuse sweeping portions of the population of theft, and equate them to smash-and-grab thieves. Slowly fail to pay your lawyers and tell your shareholders the court case is in the bag after the judge has handed down rulings that gut essential pieces of your case.
Building right up close to the Mississippi River is a wonderful idea. The whole concept of a floodplain is a liberal conspiracy to drive honest, hardworking Americans out of prime bottomland real estate.
Now’s the time to buy land in Zimbabwe. (Random good idea: Now’s the time to send David Duke, the Aryan Nation, and the Klan to Zimbabwe. Who’d win? We all would.)
Drug resistance is a lie. Diseases can’t evolve any more than birds can, so taking a few antibiotic pills and storing the rest in a damp cellar is a perfectly wonderful idea.
You know how gays like leather? You know how Hell’s Angels like leather? Get Fred Phelps on the phone now! (Morally, it’s a gray area. The Angels don’t deserve that.)
Nothing says “I love you” to a teen more than no curfew, no rules, no guidance–heck, it’s what they all want!
Ditto for toddlers–let man’s natural instincts lead your pride and joy in all aspects of life. Surely the rest of the world will see the magnificence that your loins have wrought if you do so.
Fight fire with fire.
When being chased in an office building by a homicidal maniac, and you end up in the emergency stairwell, go up. You’ll certainly be able to find help on the roof, and there’s no way he can corner you there!