Variant:
“Operator, I’d like to make a Collect Obscene Call”
If really really really stupid;
“Operator, I’d like to make a Collect Obscene Call to the Governor”
“Yes that’s right. Collect, and Obscene, to the Governor. Is there a problem?”
Go over to Amy Winehouse’s house for some wine.
Ask Cecil and his minions some of their favorite all time questions, like what would happen to a plane on a treadmill and why do we drive on a parkway but park on a driveway?
Also, start a thread entitled “Fork Hillary 7: Now Its Personal”
When the walls of that creepy old house you bought drip blood and an echoing voice moans “Get . . . . Ouuuuuuuuut !”, remember it’s just mildew and the plumbing. Settle in for the night.
A good idea?
No no no!
Don’t vote. The people now in power, and the ones likely to be elected, are already so good at handling the things you care about, and getting the results you want, that you don’'t need to lift a finger to further your goals.
Heck, even if it just mildew and the plumbing, there’s absolutely no chance that mildew that mobile will come to rest in your lungs. Sleep in peace.
Open a hemp clothing shop in Dubai.
I once heard and decided a lawsuit involving the National Association of Postal Supervisors. It was all I could do not to chortle.
Here’s my idea: portable catapults for when the elevators in an office building are running too slowly.
Let’s design a REALLY STUPID way to make the US MORE dependent upon imported oil!
First: we will device to make ethyl alcohol from corn! This will result in two good things happening:
- the price of feed corn will rise (so Americans will pay MORE for meat)
- more oil will have to be imported (to fire the boilers at the corn-ethanol distilleries)
Also, the ethanol-gasoline blend has LESS energy that 100% gasoline-so we will need to import MORE crude oil (raising the price)-so MORE good effects-the price of oil rises again!
Plus, we can advertise that corn-derived ethanol will make the US LESS dependent upon imported oil!
It’s hard to beat the idiocy of the US Congress! Of course, the campaign contributions(bribes)made by firms like CON-AGRA, ARCHER-DANIELS, and others are a key part of making this great nation energy independent!
Forge a wedding certificate for you and Charles Manson, then ask for a conjugal visit.
Feed the gremlins after sundown. What could go wrong?
Appoint a man named “Jack D. Ripper” to lead your strategic bomber force.
Let MacArthur do pretty much whatever he wants in Korea. He’s a good general, right?
Loudly greet your friend John as he comes through airport security, “Hi Jack!”
Knock Chuck Norris’s hat off.
Big, twitchy, sweaty hitchhikers wearing bulky coats are sure to be a bit footsore. Offer them a ride!
Burn first, then plunder.
After careful research, follow Elvis’s dietary and pharmaceutical plan as closely as you can.
Push the giant wooden rabbit up to the castle door, but don’t hide in it.
Brown shoes, blue suit.
Commit suicide by jumping off a parking meter.
The Park Service doesn’t want me tossing away my lit cigarettes into the woods during periods of drought? Pussies.
If the cheese shop doesn’t have the kind of cheese you’re looking for after you’ve already named several dozen, keep asking. They’re sure to have something!
Invade a foreign country that poses no direct threat to you, based on faulty intelligence and without proper planning for what to do after you stomp their puny military.
Greenlight Rocky LXXVI.
Encourage your murderous foes to “bring it on.” Hey, your kids aren’t the ones patrolling their streets!
Greenlight Schindler’s List 2: Electric Nazi Boogaloo.
Plan your candidacy around the concepts of both inevitability and nostalgia for the Nineties.
Greenlight any movie with the word Saw in the title.
Seek and then spurn the endorsements of leading evangelical nutjobs, and promise to “veto every beer.”
Greenlight any movie starring Pauly Shore or Carrot Top.
Make comments which rural voters are sure to find insulting, even if you didn’t mean it that way. Be sure to do so in a city renowned as a liberal haven.
You could direct the orchestra 'way better than that clown in the white tie and tails. Don’t be shy, just barge right up there and take over! Trust me, they’ll thank you for it.
Hand grenades are a lot more interesting to toss around with your kids than Nerf balls.
Speed limits in school zones are really more like suggestions, when you think about it.
Most people prefer to know exactly what you think of them, all the time.
Drinking until you barf really impresses the ladies.
Imminentize the eschaton.
Measure once, cut twice.
Does anyone else find this “bad idea” particularly disturbing coming from a veterinarian? 
When you find a metal cylinder half burried in the small cellar of a bombed out church in a US military training area in Germany, be sure to wipe enough dirt off to read “188mm illum” before banging on it with your flashlight.
If it’s been 28 days since your last period, you wake with cramps in your lower gut, and the TP is a bit pink when you wipe, think nothing of it. It’s just a trick your mind plays on you. Go to work without “supplies” if you want to. Wear white. Go swimming in shark-infested waters. Everything will be all right.
Go ahead and corner the market on Frozen Concentrate Orange Juice futures, but only if you have rock-solid inside info from the USDA.
When there’s a glowing metal eye on a stalk sticking out of a cylinder from Mars, and a big burned spot where you left some guys behind to watch the thing, walk up to it with a Bible in one hand reciting religious text. What could go wrong ? Surely a metal eye from Mars will respect the Bible !
Smuggle hashish in Turkey.
Proselytize in Saudi Arabia. Or practice witchcraft, whichever.
Carry a firearm with you on your flight into the Philippines.
This sounds autobiographical.
Did the skin grafts take?