I am the love child of Patrick Stewart and Joan Baez. As a result, I am totally bald on half my head and have long dark hair on the other.
I am not bald
I’m a guy and I once grew my hair down to the back of my knees and entered a Crystal Gayle lookalike contest. I came in second.
I was there, and I remember that! Crystal Gayle entered the contest herself and came in first, the egotistical bitch.
Back when I was a female impersonator, my stage name was Quartz Windstorm.
I have patented a fully organic circuit board made from nori and magnetic squid ink.
I had one of @Ferris fully organic circuit boards for a short while but a manatee ate it.
I once kissed a manatee right on its fuzzy mouth. Fortunately, the rangers didn’t see it or there would have been a hefty fine and possible jail time. The sea cow needed a breath mint.
I once undertook an exhaustive study of the mooing language of sea cows, but no one would publish it, so I fed all my notes to burpo.
Urp! They were delicious! Distinctive seafood flavor. Much obliged! Send more! Urp!
I am the inventor of Gas-Ex tablets.
The secret ingredient is Prawns.
My former wife was found dead in a room filled with poisonous fumes. The police suspected me of murder partly because it was well known I was to receive millions from her estate and partly because a packet of @Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor’s Gas-Ex tablets were found in my house.
No-no-no.
That was not my Gas-Ex.
That was GAS-X.
Which I use.
For duck hunting.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That’s the ticket.
Jon Lovitz just told me that it’s totally cool that Bosda is using one of his best-known comedic catchphrases here.
I was Morgan Fairchild’s “rebound boyfriend,” after she divorced Jon Lovitz.
Post-Morgan, I, as Jon’s bootleg absinthe dealer, managed to hook him up with Temple Grandin, where to this day in their connubial bliss run a bustling condom stand at some beach near LA.
I’ve never heard of this “Jon Lovitz” person. His existence must be key to the last few posted lies.
The inability of Dragon Dictate to cope effectively with the difference between “John” and “Jon” fills me with joy and calm and makes my life easier.
I always imagined Smaug the dragon in The Hobbit to be a very bright blue and about eight inches long.
I have managed to accidentally cut myself in every state of the Union. Plus D.C.. And Guam.