Saying it’s a “friendly reminder” doesn’t make it friendly.
Saying “no pun intended” doesn’t mean it’s not the worst pun you’ve ever seen.
Saying “no offense” doesn’t mean it’s not offensive.
and don’t get me started on “bless his/her heart.”
They’re lot lies. They’re colloquial phrases; English is an imprecise and non-literal language much of the time.
The check’s in the mail.
We’re from the government and we’re here to help you.
I promise not to come in your mouth.
As well as the good old “I’m not a racist, but…”
We’re making this change to serve you better.
Do you work for Comcast?
It’s not you, it’s me.
(Okay, it *can *be true, but most of the time, it *is *you.)
“We have installed video surveillance equipment to ensure your protection.”
“Have a nice day.”
“I have the stomach flu and won’t be in today.”
“I only had two beers.”
I’m only doing this for your own good.
It hurts me more than it hurts you.
This is constructive criticism.
I love you.
(Yes, I’m pretty cynical and distrustful by now.)
Trust me, I know what I’m doing.
It’s for your own good.
You’ll feel a little pinch (when being stuck in the mouth with a needle the size of a cannon).
There will be some discomfort (it’s going to hurt like a motherfucker).
“I don’t go out with men from work” - a rule which came into effect when you asked me, and will be revoked as soon as it’s someone I want doing the asking.
I don’t mean to be rude, but (I’m going to be)
I’m sorry, but (I’m really not sorry one little tiny bit you scumsucking armpit)
No, those pants don’t make your ass look fat at all (compared to a pregnant elephant…)
I hate to be the one to tell you…
“Bundling our services will give you the convenience of one point of contact to help you with all your needs.”
["This department can’t help you with that service – you’ll have to call a completely different number. (And wait through a second call queue.)]
“Ah, interesting.”
If what I just said is actually interesting, why can’t you think of something more substantial to say in response?
“I need those oxys for my scroosheeaytin pain, Doc!”
“This is just between you and me …”
“What a beautiful baby!”
“You two look like sisters!”
I’ve never seen one that big before.
Anything that involves “5 minutes”. There is no such thing as 5 minutes.