I’m normally a big believer in watching people’s behaviours and judging them from what they do versus what they say. Based on the fact that most people talk about doing stuff, but actually do nothing.
I’m sort of dating a guy and it’s really confusing me because he’s the opposite way around to the guy’s I’ve met before. Most guys will tell you about their lives and what they do and make it sound fantastic but when you look at what they’ve actually achieved and how they live their lives - it’s not nice!
The guy in question talks as though he’d never help out a friend, never lift a hand to do anything, has zero motivation to get off the couch, thinks everyone else is stupid and he’s smart. Yet … from what I’ve seen he’s a really hard worker, his house is amazing, he doesn’t sit still, he’s done lots for friends and family, is kind to small animals (and he may not be quite so smart!).
From the looks of it … he seems like a great guy … then he opens his mouth!! (and I don’t mean physically attractive … lifestyle, behaviours, achievements etc!)
Is he telling me who he is? or showing me?!
(yeah I know … relationship advice from strangers on the internet on judging a man you’ve never met is impossible … but getting uninformed opinions based on conjecture is fun!!).
What he does is a better predictor than what he says, IMHO. He might hate helping & whine about the fact that all his friends ask him to help them move, but if he still does it, he’s being a good friend.
I’d take a guy who whines a little about doing the dishes, but actually does them well and one time over a guy who never does the dishes.
I know several very successful, creative people who think they’re not terribly motivated - it’s just that their baseline for ‘motivated’ is totally different from the norm. So if you listened to them, you’d think you were talking to someone totally boring, but then you see that their ‘I’ve done nothing all day’ actually means ‘I just hung around the house and PAINTED AWESOME SHIT’. So, you know, MMV.
It sounds to me you resent him a bit. This isn’t a good relationship I doubt it ever will be. I also think you don’t fully trust him and find him a bit dishonest. I think you can push these feelings side, but they seem to be a warning signal. You’ll meet a guy much better. I don’t think this is going to work.
Is he maybe just being self deprecating? He knows he’s successful and good to other people, but he doesn’t have the personality to flaunt it. Sometimes people, who aren’t much of braggers by nature can go too far the other way and it comes off as a lack of confidence and no self respect.
Have you ever asked him about this, or called him out on it? Like, if he says, “The three most important people in my life are me, myself, and I,” do you ever say, “Yeah, right. You just helped Joe move a baby grand into his 12th-floor walk-up!”? If so, how does he respond? If he says something like, “Oh, that’s no big deal. Anyone would do that,” then he may just have really high personal standards, and/or he’s overly self-deprecating.
I do this myself sometimes; objectively, I’d say I’m a pretty nice person and have a number of skills and accomplishments to be proud of, but I feel really weird saying that. And really, on a day-to-day basis, I often feel like I’m doing just the bare minimum to get along in the world. So when I talk about myself, I tend to paint myself as kind of a dumb, selfish, lazy asshole. That may be what he’s doing - although the “everyone else is stupid and I’m smart” part doesn’t quite fit.
Regardless, the point is that you can’t pay attention to just his actions or his words; both are part of who he is, as a whole. He’s someone who says X and does Y. I suggest you take your time getting to know him, and find out why that is.
Yeah, the two opinions that MeanOldLady quoted are what popped into my mind when I read the OP. Hey, Miss G. how long have you known this guy? (And, if it’s a separate answer: how long have you been dating this guy?) People in the very early stages of a brand-spankin’-new relationship sometimes don’t quite act like themselves, just out of sheer nerves.
Only known him about 4 weeks … so it is at the very new stage. The communication style he uses gives me the impression he’s much more used to talking to men than women!
He’s certainly a talker … but that could be the nerves!
From what I see I do think he has very high standards (much higher than mine!) so the other comments seem relevant too.
Time will tell! I’ll keep my eyes and ears open … I’m not getting the impression it is going to get to the too deep and meaningful stage anyway!