My friend Bob drives me up the fucking wall when I try to talk to him.
HIM: We’re meeting at Jenny’s house at 7.
ME: Should I bring anything?
HIM: Yes.
Not, “Yes, beer and chips” or “Yes, a couple grams of sativa.” Just “Yes,” and then I have to pry to get the rest out of him.
ME: Where is Jenny’s house?
HIM: In Salem.
Not, “420 Tommy Chong Avenue in Salem, turn right at the Sonic,” just “in Salem,” and I have to pry the rest out of him.
Bob is not a “man of few words,” as he’ll hold forth on a topic that interest him for hours if you let him. But in regular conversation, when you ask him a question, he answers with the barest bare minimum of information, and expects you to pry the rest out of him.
I’m reminded of a scene in Tommy Boy. David Spade’s character asks the guy at the gas station why Davenport doesn’t appear on a map of Illinois. Gas Station Guy just says, “You need another map.” Couldn’t be assed to volunteer, “Davenport is in Iowa, not Illinois, you need a map of Iowa.” Bob is that guy.
Unfortunately, I tend to encounter the opposite - someone giving *waaaaaaaay *more info than I’d ever use. Just give me an address, and maybe a landmark or two. I don’t need to know that 20 years ago, some jerk cut down the beautiful oak that was in the yard next to the house with the 37 birdbaths - or was it 36??
While I can’t speak for your friend, I usually do it for one of two reasons:
I am overly-verbose so when I make a conscious effort to be concise, I tend to greatly overdo it.
I’m a typical introvert, and day-to-day conversation is effortful for me. If I’m tired or in a bad mood, I’ll give these kinds of vaguely-informative-but-not-really types of responses.
One solution is to ask an open-ended follow up question, such as “anything else I need know?” rather than followups that lend themselves to monosyllabic responses.
I haven’t encountered someone exactly like that, but I have encountered someone who doesn’t seem to understand that other people do not necessarily know what she knows.(I think they call this Theory of Mind). She rarely provides necessary background information to her statements unless you prompt her for it.
She will say something like, “I was telling Sara that the spreadsheet has errors in it.” And I will have to ask her who is Sara and what spreadsheet is she talking about. And Sara will always end up being some chick I
have never met and the spreadsheet will always be something we last talked about a month ago. I like this coworker, but she can be frustrating sometimes.
If you were to communicate like this to him, what would his reaction be? Would he ask follow questions gladly or would be be perturbed that the information had to be coaxed out of you? I’m wondering if he enjoys followup questions and maybe it’s how he prefers.
One way to deal with this is to ask the questions in a specific manner like “What can I bring to the party?” and “What is the address of the house?”
It reminds me a bit of when you ask someone “Can I ask a question?” and they respond sarcastically “I don’t know. Can you ask a question?” Does he do any of that kind of stuff as well?
I might be guilty of this in specific circumstances. No, I am guilty. When someone asks me a yes/no question, I tend to answer yes or no. So, colleague: “Should I bring something to the party?” Me: “Yes.” Library patron: “Do you know where Harry Potter is?” Me: “Yes.” Partly this is because I am annoyed by lazy speakers. The library patron is not really asking if I, a children’s librarian, know where the Harry Potter books are. She wants to know where the Harry Potter books are. So ask that. And really, I’m not a jerk. I like people. So the colleague who asks “Should I bring something to the party?” will get “Yes.” followed by a pause as I think, tapping a pencil on my head, then “Bring a couple grams of TJ’s Duban Poison. Or if you can’t find that, just some crack would be fine.” Or I might say “Bring a 9 X 13 inch baking dish of Funeral Potatoes.” Really, I’m a laugh riot.
If your “yes” followed by a pause before delivering details is a mechanism that buys you time to think, that’s no big deal. But if it’s a deliberate effort to cause awkward discomfort for your interrogator, then that’s jerkish behavior.
HeyHomie’s confirmation that Bob always responds to “can I ask you a question” with “I don’t know, can you?” confirms that Bob’s minimalist responses are not simply a maladaptive habit. Rather, they constitute malicious compliance - that is, Bob knows what information HeyHomie wants, but intentionally witholds it and instead only provides the information that was literally requested - all for the sole purpose of appearing clever and annoying HeyHomie.
This kind of thing might be amusing once in a great while, but someone who does it all the time is a one-trick pony that’s not much fun to be around for the long haul. Trying to engineer your inquiries to Bob so as to compel him to give up the desired info is basically surrendering and playing a game that he wants to play but you don’t. So don’t. Every time he gives a minimalist answer, leave it at that and find some other source for the information you want. Every time he responds to “can I ask you a question” (widely understood as a way to preface a potentially sensitive question) with “I don’t know, can you?” just say “never mind.”
TL,DR: if you don’t like Bob’s habit of being a clever asshole, take steps to break him of his habit. Don’t reward it.
I have a friend, coincidentally named Bob who is much like that. His wife has been ill (a number of problems) and my wife and I keep asking about her and he always gives minimal information until I prod him. He recently drove to Florida and we knew the trip would be hard on her (but the Montreal winter is also very hard on her and they decided to go just as soon as she was cleared; also she cannot fly on account of respiratory problems). So I asked him how long was the trip. I got an answer: 2000 km. On the other hand, he talks incessantly; just not on personal matters.
And for a librarian you’re astonishingly ignorant about the way language works and the way we communicate meaning. For the avoidance of doubt, you are not “technically correct” in your bizarre literalist view of the way people should communicate. There is no sense in which you are correct, and people are not being “lazy speakers”. You are being a jerkish listener.
You should probably ask him and not us, if you want the real answer and not a variety of reasons for that kind of behavior.
I know I personally get frustrated by some of the questions people ask me, that aren’t as clear cut your examples.
Like if I am talking about something that involves someone the listener doesn’t know, I may say “someone I know” or “my friend” or whatever. And then they ask “who?”
That just grinds my gears to a screeching halt. What possible answer could satisfy them? “Who” in what sense? You dont know them, so their name would be completely meaningless to you. If I’ve already identified them as a friend, what further subcategories are there? And this isn’t a single person. I’ve yet to get an explanation.
And people have a weird habit of phrasing questions in yes/no format always, no matter that rarely being appropriate, and even when it might be, the real answer is an exception. Or finding other ways to ask “around” what they really want to know rather than being direct.
And sometimes people have a way of asking even innocuous questions in such a way as it feels like answering would somehow inadvertently be promising your first born child to them.
So I’m guessing the answer is one of the following:
they are confused
they aren’t in the mood for chit chat
something about the way you specifically talk is annoying or threatening
This. ALL this. Except that I was going to put it a little more kindly
Breaking it down, if someone asks you “Do you know where Harry Potter is?” they are communicating two pieces of information:
a) I am looking for Harry Potter
b) If you aren’t a person who knows this, that’s okay, I won’t get pissy.
After all, there are any number of reasons you might not know where Harry Potter is. They might think you work there, but actually you don’t. Or it might be your first day on the job. Or you might be snowed under with cataloging the picture books.
You know perfectly well when someone asks you the “do you know…?” question, that their actual interest is in the piece of information they’re asking if you know about. And they know that you know that! Your answer “yes” is trying to re-train them to ask the question in the way that YOU prefer, but it’s not the way most people in society prefer - otherwise we’d already be doing it that way (also, trying to re-train your fellow adults is kind of obnoxious in itself)
So please be non-egotistical, accept that people in society have reasons for doing things a different way than you’d prefer, and that we don’t do it that way because we’re all dumb, we do it that way because it, practically speaking, works better.
I’m going to agree that this guy sounds like he’s a jerk.
I’d be inclined to be a jerk right back.
“Can I bring something?”
“Yes”
“Ok, I’ll bring food that I know he hates, preferably something strong smelling that he will really hate because he’ll have to smell it”
The second one might depend on whether I really want to go or not, but would probably be met with either
